Two nights in a row now, but ever since I had this fear, I’ve been having more and more lesbian sex dreams. But a couple of times it’s felt like I had the choice to not do it, but did it anyway because I just wanted it that bad. Like I actively chose to initiate sex in a dream that otherwise wouldn’t have it, as if I were lucid. Then right when the actual sex stuff starts happening I IMMEDIATELY wake up and go, what the fuck? I literally dreamt about POSTING IM THIS FORUM AND ASKING WHY I GENUINELY FIND WOMEN SO SEXY and not men. I’m tired. It’s making me think I’m actually gay. It doesn’t help that I think about the fact that my first ever wet dreams were gay, even when I was too young to understand sex they manifested as just boobs everywhere. I’ve had more lesbian sex dreams than straight, although I definitely wake up happier and feeling more fulfilled from the straight ones. The lesbian ones always kinda made me feel weirded out, but back then I was able to forget about it.

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).

Do you have hocd dreams?like i am afraid of the gay comunity since i was little just i cant stand them and i am so sorry if i upset someone. I had ocd since forever and i had a gay dream about myself 2 years ago then when my hocd started i started getting gay dreams about anyone and now i got one again and it was a horibble one but i have hocd dreams when i have obsessions before sleep and last night it was hell in my mind for hocd and i had a dream being bisexual it was a little confusing but i remember that i said that in my dream i am really scared i dont want to be bi

Okay this is so weird and I’m sorry for dumping all of this so randomly, but I swear to god, I just had a vivid dream of sex with my own damn MOM. My MOM, for Christ’s sake. And the worst part, I remember it clearly. I remember it feeling wrong and I remember in the dream, her telling me I can’t tell my father and me having to hide and look around for him, and me thinking it felt wrong but then I caved in and went with it. My own MOM. And the thing that I’m so confused about, I’ve NEVER felt attraction to my mom, this has never been a thing, and even now as I’m awake, I know I don’t. So WHY did I have that dream? And even worse, I feel like I wasn’t sleeping?? I woke up an hour ago to text my girlfriend and now here I am?? This is the most ABSURD and real thing I’ve thought in a long time, this has to be some real hidden emotion. Even now, I feel zero panic or anything, I’m just empty. This is the most vile thing ever, why did my body react like that?? My own mom?? I don’t know why, I don’t even have attraction to my mom, I know I don’t, I never felt that way EVER I think? But what if I did as a really young kid? But even then, I don’t know. This is horrible, I know I worried about this before, but to actually have a dream that felt so REAL and me GOING with it?? Holy hell, holy hell