Two nights in a row now, but ever since I had this fear, I’ve been having more and more lesbian sex dreams. But a couple of times it’s felt like I had the choice to not do it, but did it anyway because I just wanted it that bad. Like I actively chose to initiate sex in a dream that otherwise wouldn’t have it, as if I were lucid. Then right when the actual sex stuff starts happening I IMMEDIATELY wake up and go, what the fuck? I literally dreamt about POSTING IM THIS FORUM AND ASKING WHY I GENUINELY FIND WOMEN SO SEXY and not men. I’m tired. It’s making me think I’m actually gay. It doesn’t help that I think about the fact that my first ever wet dreams were gay, even when I was too young to understand sex they manifested as just boobs everywhere. I’ve had more lesbian sex dreams than straight, although I definitely wake up happier and feeling more fulfilled from the straight ones. The lesbian ones always kinda made me feel weirded out, but back then I was able to forget about it.

I had a bad rumination spiral yesterday and went to bed hoping I’d start over in the morning. I was wrong. I had dreams about liking women and not being attracted to men anymore and my entire body has been in a state of anxiety since. I genuinely feel like I’m gay and just need to accept it. I have this urge to accept it. Maybe if I do I’ll get some sort of relief because this feeling is awful. I feel like my brain is telling me that I’ll get relief if I just accept it and come out. The intrusive thoughts don’t even seem to be around sexual images anymore, just to come out.

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).

Do you have hocd dreams?like i am afraid of the gay comunity since i was little just i cant stand them and i am so sorry if i upset someone. I had ocd since forever and i had a gay dream about myself 2 years ago then when my hocd started i started getting gay dreams about anyone and now i got one again and it was a horibble one but i have hocd dreams when i have obsessions before sleep and last night it was hell in my mind for hocd and i had a dream being bisexual it was a little confusing but i remember that i said that in my dream i am really scared i dont want to be bi