TW: GENDER OCD Okay, I posted a lil while ago about SO-OCD, but I have recently been suffering Gender OCD too. And unlike SO-OCD, this one is blowing a hole through my heart. I have never once questioned my gender. I’ve helped my trans and NB friends come out, and never once thought about my gender. But ever since my SO-OCD started and then died down, the thoughts about my gender cropped up. They range from two thoughts: I’m nonbinary, or I’m a gay trans dude in denial. And the latter one freaks me out so much, because I love reading queer media (I’m bi, and so many of my fave book series focus on gay couples), and my brain uses that as an excuse that I like it because I actually AM a gay guy. The thought is paralyzingly, and I can’t even begin to think of a way to overcome it like SO-OCD because the thought of me ‘accepting’ it as true scares the hell out of me. I can’t enjoy my favourite books anymore, or my favourite TV shows/movies. Anything with a gay couple makes my brain think I want to literally be one of them, when before I could just enjoy it for what it was, a story with queer characters. My connection to my gender is something I’ve always held dear to me, and the thought of being pulled from it is heartbreaking, and also makes me feel extremely guilty because I support trans rights so much, so why am I so scared of being trans/NB? How do I even begin to get over this when the idea of accepting the thought terrifies me? How do I begin to convince the anxiety that just because I enjoyed reading/watching something doesn’t mean I actually want it to happen in real life?

wow. Your story really inspired me. Sometimes I think that these all hocd and tocd things are unreal, that's all denial. But seeing your comment made me realize many things. Sir, can I ask something pls?

@agriculturalindustries Sure, ask away

@ajm1122 your obsession is that, yeah? "I mean not being trans actually", yeah?

@agriculturalindustries Yeah the intrusive thoughts are around detransitioning. I know that I am actually trans.

@ajm1122 Sad to hear that. I wish you will recover soon. And I'm happy that you found real yourself. Much love <3 take care

@agriculturalindustries Thank you!

I’m so sorry to hear that, this stuff hurts like hell. I hope we can both find a way through this particular theme 😔

I can’t tell you how glad it makes ME feel to know that I’m not alone too, because I was so afraid of even bringing up the fact that I liked reading stories about gay couples because it might be used as proof against me. It’s so hard to untangle myself from this obsession, and like you, I’ve been caught in a week long episode about this. I’m not an expert, but here’s something that helped me, that I just realized: I can’t accept the thought. At least, not right now. Right now, I get so tense even at the idea of it that I think I’d blow a fuse in my mind facing it head on. I tried, and I just couldn’t find my way out of it. Instead, tonight I tried to focus on accepting that the thought is causing something in me, which is the anxiety, rather than the thought itself. Kind of like looking at the shadow of the overall issue. So, rather accepting the thought, I accept the anxiety, and focus on that first. I remind myself that I’m feeling anxious because I have an anxiety disorder, and I usually try grounding myself when that happens. For me, that means working on the physical symptoms first, and trying to relax physically. Like I said, I can’t bear to accept the thought head on quite yet. So when my anxiety calms down a little and the intrusive thought is still dancing around (and hear me out I know it’s silly), I pretend I’m a teacher and my OCD is a student asking me a question. Rather than sitting down and explaining the answer to the question, I ‘give the question back’ to my OCD and tell IT, “why don’t you think about it some more and if you can’t figure it out, then ask me”. Maybe it’s deflection, but right now this is as close as I can get to ‘accepting’ the thought. It forces me to disengage from the thought at all, and get my OCD to ‘think’ about it rather than myself. It gives me some room to breathe, and yeah maybe the thought might come back, but at least I managed to ‘let it pass by’. It’s a work in progress honestly. Gender OCD is quite honestly one of the worst things I’ve ever had the misfortune of experiencing. But you’re definitely not alone, I’m here with you. I believe in us.

My so-ocd was ‘what if I’m just lying about my attraction to men? What if I’m actually just a lesbian in denial?’ even though I know it’s not true. I’ve never questioned my attraction to men up until this point lol.

@aurokoi You were bi, yeah?

@agriculturalindustries Yes I’m bi

@aurokoi Oh I get it. Thanks for the post. Much love<3