I wish I was at a OCD residential treatment center smfh. It’s the only way I can get better smh. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of not understanding of who I actually am. It’s like I have 2 different personalities when I see a women therapist and dude therapist smh. I take 2 different approaches to both smh. When I’m around women I try to not act so vulgar and manly cuz I don’t want them to think of me as some asshole. When I have a therapy session with a dude I act normal. I even got pissed off at the gay psychiatrist cuz he was referring my thoughts as my own and not OCD. Man I wish I knew what to do when it comes to therapy. I just need help. I know I’m depressed. I know I’m depressed about the thoughts that come up. I’m depressed about the stupid thoughts that come up for chicks. The psychiatrist doesn’t think I have bipolar disorder and yet I’m taking lamotrigine. For whatever reason the psychiatrist asked me if someone has ever talked to me about it and I was like no. My previous therapist never actually said that I might be bipolar or that I’m experiencing some bipolar disorders idk if it was cuz she didn’t want to get me anxiety about it or didn’t feel the need to label my disorder. Why do therapist’s do that? Why do they try to avoid labels? Is it cuz they don’t want to trigger a reaction? Knowing what disorders I have are very important to me cuz I need to know what to avoid. I need to know what I should try to be doing. I need to know what a good life looks like again cuz I thought I used to know but for whatever reason I don’t know now. Idk if it cuz of OCD, depression, being on medication, being on caffeine, like I just don’t know what makes sense in my life anymore and it just sucks. Like I want to cry about what I want in life. I want to know what makes me happy and what I have to do to keep me happy. I wish I could skip the talking part and do the do part like out shit on a board and let’s attack what my heart wants and what I want in life. Like at this point I’m not capable of finding out what makes me happy. I really just want a therapist to write something on the board and just get me out of my head and start doing. I’m tired of getting the run around and just want to get better. Like is it wrong for me to ask for help in finding out what I want in life. Like I just don’t know anymore. I’m just asking for help. If someone on here can tell me what steps to follow as opposed to what kind of therapy I should be looking for and to just help me. I don’t like feeling this way and just want help. If I need to go over what thoughts and sensations, arousals I have. What compulsions I do. Whether or not I should seek dbt help along with OCD help, and whatever kinds of therapy I need to stay afloat and happy please anything helps. I just really want to get better. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to feel sad and lonely and depressed about who I am.

I have tried. She was an OCD specialist but I wore out my welcome. I’m not surprised I never stick with anything for long periods of time anyways. Only thing I’ve stuck with consistently was working out and being healthy. That’s probably the only thing in my life that I’ve stuck with consistently until my thoughts for women got fucked up and didn’t have a care to be fit or healthy and just eat like shit and not care anymore. I’m on lamotrigine. I guess it’s cuz they think I was bipolar somewhat but they never actually told me what it was for. Like I said earlier I don’t think she wanted to alarm or idk I don’t know why therapist’s feel that they shouldn’t tell a patient all of there symptoms and I’m a just let it be I just find it weird and very disturbing so it is what it is. I’m not in school for psychology and idk. I mean i got anxiety for women while being in therapy for HOCD so I had to stop with that and do pictures of women to lower my anxiety for women and since I did that it feels natural to like a women and to want to be in a relationship with them. I’m not going to discuss the HOCD cuz it’s a compulsion and don’t want to talk about it. I just know I don’t like what I see when I talk with a women or see a women. It’s not right it’s not normal. I don’t like it.

@Issac11_fitforlife Your therapist should have definitely told you about a diagnosis so that you know how to treat it. Have you told a psychiatrist about this yet?

@hanajade Well none of them have. My 1st ever therapist never actually told me I had OCD. My previous therapist never actually told me why lamotrigine would be good for me. I mean I was barely told by this gay psychiatrist that lamotrigine was a mood stabilizer and not an antidepressant. When I would ask my therapist she would just come back at me with a question on what would it mean if I’d id have this and that and not actually confirming. Like nothing was ever confirmed with me or not. When it came to the lamotrigine and why the psychiatrist asked me if I’ve ever been talked to about bipolar disorder like “no, should I’ve been?” Like I don’t get therapist. Maybe if I was a therapist too I’d understand why but idk. I get that with OCD we need to know all and if I had a regular brain it wouldn’t matter but I don’t care I have OCD and want to know what’s exactly wrong with me and know how to exactly do my ERP. Not doing things right and not having perfect ERP sessions is why people are on here and not getting better. Like does a therapist not believe in the phrase perfect practice makes perfect and not practice makes perfect? Like I learned that quote from my elementary school teacher. He literally on a board would just scribble and scribble and said if you just keep doing the same thing over and over again and not improving you just stay the same and only when you have a perfect practice you improve like I’d really like to know what a therapist thinks about that quote cuz then it’s like I’m getting treatment from mental health doctors who were like B students and got a degree cuz they passed and not because they were A students who show the capabilities of knowing everything about what they were taught. Like no motherfucker it’s important that you actually made an effort in your classes and that you understand everything about what you try to teach your patients smfh.

@Issac11_fitforlife Have you tried seeing if you can get referred to another psychiatrist who know ocd very well?

@hanajade No it’s the only ERP I can do when I meet with these new gay therapists.

@Issac11_fitforlife Ok sorry. Maybe see if they can prescribe medication for ocd specifically.

@hanajade At this point I’m not sure what medication I should be on smh. I don’t think these therapists know much about OCD other than always needing to rearrange things, or washing hands excessively but it’s the only ERP I can do.

@Issac11_fitforlife You can take Zoloft, Prozac, clomipramine, lexapro, effexor, celexa. You can always speak to your doctor and see what they recommend.

Cuz a normal person has the same thoughts they just don’t have anxiety for it and people with OCD get anxiety for it and they want us to not feel like we’re different than anyone else and it shouldn’t matter if we have OCD or not cuz they’re just thoughts and if we didn’t get anxiety for a thought we wouldn’t remember the thoughts and just go about our day like whatever but when we do get anxiety for a thought we ruminate over and over for the thought that gets us fucking anxiety smh.

@Issac11_fitforlife yes but it still sucks when therapists don't understand what you're going through

@tessayoung They do they just want you to know what you’re going through before they have the magical session with you to where you realize you just have OCD and then they agree with you and start saying OCD openly cuz you finally got out of your head and then help with your recovery process.

Idk then. Maybe you had therapists that cared about you more and didn’t want you to keep obsessing over the thoughts and maybe you never did any self help and just started from scratch getting help when you were feeling helpless and didn’t know what your thoughts meant at all. I did self help 1st and then got a therapist so that’s how I learned what HOCD was not by a therapist.

@Issac11_fitforlife Ok i haven’t done erp yet so I went to see my doctor on how to manage my ocd and I needed help because it got worse.

@hanajade So what themes do you have?

@Issac11_fitforlife I have contamination ocd and checking ocd.

@hanajade Huh ok. I get that sometimes I just notice those thoughts and don’t get anxiety about it. I think it helps cuz I grew up as an athlete with a bro personality people just didn’t know I was like that other than my own family growing up. So what thoughts come up for you?

@hanajade I definately have the checking part. I catch it but still struggle with it.

@Issac11_fitforlife If I touch something that is contaminated I think that I am going to get sick, if I don’t check that my car is locked multiple times I think that someone is going to break in, checking alarms think that I will sleep in and be late, checking my car lights due to fears of car going dead

@hanajade When I had my car I always had to hit my lock button twice to be sure and sometimes I would feel like I didn’t lock my car when I’m about to go into the place I was about to go to and I would walk all the way back to make sure I locked it smh. I would always after I got out of my car needed to check if I had my wallet on me cuz I had a fear of my wallet falling and someone picks it up and I’m without a fucking wallet smh. I got anxiety a few months back that when I drank a water cuz I thought it might not have been my water and I had a gay coworker who had aids and I got anxiety that I might’ve got it cuz I wasn’t sure it was my water smh. I remember like 5 years ago I developed cysts on my testicles and got anxiety that I might have cancer and I ended up checking 3 yrs later and they told me they were just cysts and nothing cancerous. I was almost about to have anxiety of possibly getting COVID when I had to go and help an older women who was staying at a hotel that I was working at who had covid and I could feel the anxiety was about to come on so before it did I was able to shake it off and just let it be. I was kind of paranoid a little bit but I got over it.

@Issac11_fitforlife Ok I used to have to hit the lock button on my keys 8 times or more before starting medication. Now I only check the door handle and make sure the glove box is closed once and press the lock button once on my keys. I have stopped my shopping compulsion. The only compulsions that are really hard at the moment is my obsessive hand washing and checking use by dates. Some of my other compulsions occur when I am at uni but I’m not currently studying due to my ocd.