Think I'm gonna keep this as my last post for now: I know that I made mistakes, they weren't my proudest moments, but the mistakes don't define me. I know they're mistakes because I didn't have any intent on such harm for anyone else. One of my mistakes involved exploring sexually with others my age and other mistakes involve coming across shocking content I know I didn't want to see. My thoughts keep acting like the opposite, but it's not. I'm keeping it as this, and I'm taking a break from this app. It just adds onto further compulsions I've been constantly told not to feed. Think I'll be back around the end of the month. Need a break from the usual routine to see if it changes anything.

All the past stuff can’t seem to let go of me. I lied, I normalized horrible things, I’ve tried to be moral in an immoral environment. Two people are dead and I could’ve done something. One of them probably deserved it. They were a pedophile, and I know the relationship they had with me was horrible. The other was a close friend. We were in that environment together, and while I grew away from it, he got further into it. And now he’s dead, hanged himself over some sick perversion someone placed in his mind. I’ve seen such sick things. I knew things were wrong. I tried telling people. I told that friend, it isn’t normal. Isn’t this stuff wrong? Aren’t we being influenced? He didn’t see it. I should’ve tried harder to make him see my way. I’m away from all of it. But he never got to get away. I remember telling people I knew from that environment, those online spaces. Since I was sixteen, I knew it was off. I knew these ideas planted in our heads were sick. I tried to convince people when I turned eighteen, but nobody saw it. Everyone was still brain washed. I’m a horrible person, I haven’t done enough to stop anything. I’ve always had a passion to help people, but I never was able to. I’ve been uncomfortable with sex for a while, but I can’t stop. I remember being uncomfortable with a girl in my school. She was really sexual towards me. I tried to tell the office, nobody listened, it’s just a crush. And then I started to like it, but it still felt wrong. And then she got expelled, and I was telling people she harassed me. Nobody really took it serious, it was just funny, so I exaggerated and said she squeezed my crotch and it hurt. Then people finally sympathized with me. There was another lie, a lie that still hurts me. There was a girl in our class. Everyone made jokes about her, I tried to be nice and talk to her, but then she got a bit creepy towards me. She wouldn’t stop following me. It got uncomfortable. What did I do? I lied again, because everyone started making jokes about how she liked me and I was uncomfortable. I said she made a suggestive comment to me, and they all laughed. I just wanted it to stop. I lied, again. I am deceitful. That poor girl wrote in my yearbook and thanked me for being a good friend, but I made her into a joke just to save my own skin. I am a coward, I hurt people, and I deserve to be put down like an animal. I’m sorry for making myself seem like someone else, I tried to help as much people as I could, I tried. All I want is to be good, but too much bad has happened. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try and redeem myself everyone. You all are so strong. I’m not going to harm myself, but I accept that I have evil within me.

I just wanted to apologize for my last post, it was very angry and fearful, and I don’t think it was a great reflection of myself. I’ll try to avoid posting anything nearly as frantic or emotional again! Seemed like a lot of people avoided commenting on it, so I’ll avoid doing that again. Keep fighting your OCD guys!

TW: ZOCD, porn Before my ZOCD theme started, I would never find myself asking such questions... I'd never go through my past events, every possible things that could have happened, where now I feel guilty off - it didn't really bother me as much. I do remember experiencing some other themes for a shorter amount of time, but they didn't hit me as much as this one. And you know, I wasn't exactly "happy". I was bored, tired 24/7, I wanted my life to be more exciting, I wanted a struggle, which now sounds incredibly ridiculous. And guess what? I've got it. But I didn't want this type of struggle, who the hell would? But now I think of it, it was about to happen at some point as my problems with porn since I was 11, escalated to some really questionable things (always fictional, but it still affected me a lot). The final straw was when I consumed some fucked up fanfiction this April and the immense guilt and shame hit me few days after that. I've started questioning my whole being - why did I do that? Am I what I fear? What's wrong with me? Why was I so desensitised? Am I just now discovering the real me? How can I forgive myself? I've wasted so much time and energy on that, but back then it wasn't even that much of an issue for me. I was so blind. I should have realised that sooner, but late is better than never. I've been doing better mentally than say, three weeks ago but really... I just hate how much porn took away from me. And combined with my morbid curiousity, it led me into some dark places. I can only be glad that I've never saw the real thing.