Sometimes I go and purposely look at pictures of women to see the thoughts popping up and I’m like yup still there and I just stop just cuz there’s no point. Nothing I can do about it cuz it just makes HOCD worse so I just let it be and loathe into my depression of never getting better smh.

Duh. I only had crushes on women. I was always attracted to them.

Why would you ask that question?

Would you like me to prove it?

@Issac11_fitforlife She’s not asking you to prove it. You don’t need to prove anything to yourself or others. That’s how the OCD persists. And your mindset of loathing in your depression is only going to make you feel worse. That’s what I was talking about the other day when I told you to stop the pity parties.

@Issac11_fitforlife nope i believe you. I ask because it’s important for you to always remind yourself of that in the back of your head! ocd can mess with our identity and make us feel like we have no clue what we want or that we were never happy. In your case, you know that’s not true. Don’t try to prove to your ocd that you’re straight because that’s a compulsion. compulsions are perceived to the brain as a response to danger. The more you compulse, the more your brain is going to think that you’re in danger and the more anxiety you’re gonna have. If you don’t respond to your ocd w a compulsion then your brain will notice that there’s nothing to fear!

@Issac11_fitforlife Lol.... chill out dude, I think she was just trying to help you out.

@henry thanks :)

Well what do you expect? I hate the shit that comes out in my head when I look at a chick now. It pisses me off and it makes me want to cry. I don’t like the shit that comes into my head but I can’t even talk to a therapist about it cuz it’s just a compulsion. Me coming on here is just a compulsion but I do it anyways cuz I have nothing going for me in life anymore cuz of fucking up my thoughts with women and having anxiety I never had before. I don’t want to be like this but not even ocd specialist know how to help me.

@Issac11_fitforlife talking to a therapist is not a compulsion. asking them for reassurance is. the goal of therapy when you have ocd is to figure out your true self from your ocd thoughts and determine what your compulsions are. talk therapy doesn’t work for ocd. reassurances make you feel worse. if you want to get better you HAVE to try erp.

@Issac11_fitforlife we all have ocd on here. you’re not alone. i’ve beaten it once before so i know it’s possible to overcome

@Anonymous Well it’s all reassurance. It was reassurance from the get go when I met with these specialist. There isn’t an ERP for me though. I’ve done the pictures with dudes I gotten my fucking OCD to say dumb ass shit like “so what if you don’t like guys you’re still gay” it just doesn’t make sense anymore. I’ll get thoughts saying “ I don’t want to like guys I just want to fuck gay guys” like it just doesn’t make sense and yeah I can hear the dumb ass shit that comes out and I’m like you don’t make fucking sense. Everything my ocd says is all fucking stupid to where none of the stupid thoughts don’t even make sense anymore but it’s still doesn’t make me better. Like they don’t make sense anymore and its all from when I fucked up my own ERP to where nothing my OCD saids even make sense. Even saying the stupid shit is stupid cuz it’s like you don’t make any sense you’re just going in circles. And that’s where my OCD is it’s just in circles and in lulu land to where I don’t even know what ERP to do. It’s like I have to get my OCD to make fucking sense in a way before I can make sense of my fucking OCD it’s just really stupid at this point and I’m just tired.

@Issac11_fitforlife Yes I get the OCD is replacing the words that should come out but it’s stupid. It’s like that cuz of me fucking up my ERP. Had I never looked at gay gifs for an ERP I would’ve been fine. But again no one told me when you look at anything sexual of the content you don’t want it was going to replace the sexual thoughts you do want with the thoughts that you don’t want smfh. So I already fucked up and I’m paying for it. So I’m just loathing in depression cuz no specialist knows how to help me. They’ve even said I need a higher level of care but that’s it. They don’t never told me that they believe me or that I’ve created more obsessive thoughts to reassure me like nothing. Whether it was to get me anxiety I’ll never fucking know and my life just fucking sucks.

@Issac11_fitforlife I sometimes get in the same mindset where i also think there isn’t an erp for me and that this is going to be it forever. ocd thoughts make no sense and that’s the most frustrating part. i can really tell you’re struggling and in a lot of pain so i wish i could make you realize that it’s going to be okay. there’s a reason you’re on this app. there’s something that’s important enough to you that you’re willing to fight for. that should be an indication that you’ve been happy before. literally no one with ocd thinks it’s easy. if it were easy and logical, NOCD wouldn’t exits. there’s a reason why ocd is considered one of the most debilitating illnesses. it’s truly difficult. have you watched ally greymound on youtube?

@Issac11_fitforlife nothing wrong w needing more intense care. I caught on to how to correctly do ERP very late in my session w my nocd therapist. my time with her is now ending and she recommended that i look for someone who can do more long term erp with. i have severe ocd and i had depersonalization which was interrupting my erp. it took many tries and a lot of frustration but i had a breakthrough. it was late but i’m glad it happened for me. you should keep trying but definitely be careful to not take it too far at first.

@Anonymous Sometimes I can see stuff that’s important to me. Like just yesterday I was able to have thoughts of being in bed with a chick and my son running in and jumping on the bed and I could feel the pain in my chest but I just couldn’t get any tears to come out but it was nice to see before I got doubting thoughts again smh. But I’m still unclear. I don’t know what’s important to me anymore. My therapist let me out to dry whether it was because they feel they need to let me deal with everything that is going on until it actually gives me anxiety or whatever they still left me out to dry. Like no one will do any sort of therapy to see what I truly want in my life. Like they gave up on me so I cussed them out for giving up on me. I apologized but I’m still angry that these so called specialist don’t even want to help me. I have new therapist that don’t even know how to treat OCD but there dudes so it’s the only time I can do ERP and both of them are gay. I’m fucking pissed. Like the fucking OCD specialist treated me like some child and I hate that. I’ve always hated being treated like a child. They pissed me off. I can’t even get any other OCD specialist to meet with to help me out cuz they’re all affliliated with each other so none of them can help me or they’ll just give me the same fucking thing that I need a higher level of care and I’m not even sure if once I do get insurance to be able to go to a OCD residential treatment center that the insurance company will allow it cuz of how much it costs so I’m basically on a waste land all by myself. I don’t know if it’s cuz they feel that if they do any therapy with me will only make things worse and I just have to deal with this shit and that’s it. I’m unsure of how to do my ERP. I only have an idea but it’s hard when I’m at home to be able to do it. I wish I could be alone somewhere where I can’t be bothered following the steps I need to do to ensure my recovery goes right.