When does TOCD stop feeling like denial? When is this doubt gonna let up so I can start feeling like myself again? When am I gonna be able to look at guys I find attractive without my brain telling me I’m a trans gay man or non binary. I am so exhausted.

I’m just so sad because I can REMEMBER exactly who I was before this and she was so confident in herself and it took me a lot of work to get to that spot, and the idea that this whole thing might have thrown a wrench in all of that self discovery and comfort is so depressing. Like, I’ve grown up in fandom so I used to love shipping and fanfic and all that stuff bc it was fun and it feels ruined for me now because o just get stuck in my head and I just end up feeling so terrible after it all that I’m just avoiding it now. I’m not seeing an OCD specialist but I am seeing a therapist bc I thought this was legitimate questioning but I just feel bad all around.

@aurokoi A regular therapist can actually make your ocd symptoms worse. They will encourage you to engage in compulsions unintentionally because they are treating this as genuine questioning. See an ocd specialist. Even if it’s just to talk to them and get a proper diagnosis. I know exactly how you feel right now. I had a very strong sense of identity before this too. And that’s the thing: ocd attacks what we care about most. But your self discovery has not been lost. It’s just temporarily hanging out in the background because the foreground has been consumed by ocd. Treat the ocd and it will make space for all of those things you used to love again.

@pureolife Yeah she did tell me last time that I was showing symptoms of an OCD sufferer and sent me home with a thought tracker... my next appointment is next Saturday though and I don’t know if I should cancel or if I should just go and tell her that I think this is something else. I feel very comforted that you understand though. It’s been a constant beating myself up bc I’m an ally so why do I feel this bad ‘questioning’, and then feeling like I should be doing more to be accepting of myself but it just makes me feel even worse lol. I’m just very tired and I want to have my old self back :(

@aurokoi I am an ally too and 100% believe all genders and orientations are valid and worthy of acceptance, protection, representation, and love. The guilt I felt at “not accepting myself” was immense. Like I was a complete hypocrite or a phony or had internalized transphobia that I was just too weak to overcome. This is actually very common for sufferers of this theme though. And it just compounds our guilt and suffering when it’s not understood in the context of ocd. I’m glad she’s noticed that you are showing symptoms of ocd. Unfortunately most regular therapists don’t know how to treat pure o with mental compulsions. They’re more commonly trained on ocd with physical compulsions (like hand washing.) like I said, they can unintentionally make your symptoms worse just because they don’t understand what’s going on. I went to a regular therapist first. And she was wonderful for so many issues I had but not for ocd. When I finally saw an ocd specialist and they told me all the things that we wouldn’t be doing in therapy, I was shocked. They explained how those things are harmful to ocd sufferers and I started seeing real improvements for the first time.