I just want to be loved. I want to be loved by my family. I want to be loved by my friends. I want to be loved by the NOCD forum. And I want to be loved by god and Jesus for who I am. I just want to be good. For myself and others. I want to share the amount of love I have for everyone I care about and cherish. But more than importantly, I want my HOCD and POCD to be gone for good. Because of these 2 I feel like the worst person on planet earth. I don’t want to be alone in a world where I’m hated by everyone and everything. My biggest fear is that no one will come to my funeral. I’ve had dreams where I would walk to my own funeral, and see my family crying over my grave, but the seats are empty. Not one person. All I could see was black and white. No colors. And in this dream I had never felt so alone in my life. That’s my biggest fear. I don’t want to be alone. Because when I’m alone, I have nothing. No family, no friends, and no help from anyone except myself. People always told me to pick up the broken pieces, and keep on going. But how can I rebuild myself if there were pieces missing to begin with? I don’t want to be gay or bisexual, and especially not a disgusting pedo. I just want to be a normal person. And most importantly, I want to love people the same way they love me. These past 7 months have been the worst months of my life, filled with despair, agony, regret, anguish, pain, and sadness. I’m sorry if I made anyone feel any of these things I’ve listed here. I love you all. You can beat this OCD, and live your life to the fullest. I just pray to god and Jesus that I can do the same. Because this doesn’t feel good. Not in the slightest.

Well, the thing about love is that there’s many times we won’t receive it. In the words of Bo Burnham, “If you want love the love has gotta come from you.” Life, although we wish it comported to rules like fairness, often has no particular order to it. The fortunate or misfortune we receive alike seems to be distributed by total chance. We try to organize the chaos of the world into a coherent structure that we can predict: we form communities, or families, or organizations that offer the security of consistency. Despite all that, unfortunate circumstances are part of life on this planet. For as long as people could share their thoughts and emotions, they’ve tried to understand what to do with suffering and how to best manage it. What none of them have done is figure out how to avoid it entirely, because they couldn’t. For some people, they might deal with hunger or homelessness. Someone else might battle addiction. Or perhaps they’ve lost someone they loved to COVID. It doesn’t mean your individual pain isn’t incredibly powerful and at times debilitating. It just means that we all share that suffering, together, and what transcends above all that is our common humanity. You may not have as many people at your funeral as you’d like. You might lose friends, or loved ones. You might feel terribly alone. But millions of others share your same emotions. None of us are ever truly alone, no matter what our brains tell us. You’ve got a couple choices: you can continue to play into a pattern of compulsion and rumination and self-loathing. Or you can hold your head up and date to do something radically different. It’s not fair to swim upstream against the river, but that leads home.

Hey Mate! Sorry to hear that all. But trust me all these fears go away after recovery. I'm here for you, we all here for you. Much love <3