It's hard living every moment in a metaphysical struggle for your soul. It's ever harder explaining it to others.

the concept of death & existence is ruining my life rn 😭 im losing so much sleep. i try to close my eyes & all my brain wants to do is try to wrap itself around the idea of what not existing feels like & i get this sinking feeling that grows & grows until my eyes snap open & i have to go back on my phone to distract myself until im literally too exhausted to keep my head up & my body forces me to sleep. it makes having the motivation to do anything hard because all i can think is "it wont matter when i die". it sucks because i know that having MORE in my life might actually improve this, im 21 unemployed still living at home with ASD & i know once i have a job that will definitely give me more to focus on & other stresses to have lol, but i feel like im stuck in the endless cycle of "not having a life makes me worried im wasting my life & itll all be over so fast" & then "being so stressed about my life & time passing is exhausting & makes it too hard to find the motivation to do anything other than sit here" & repeat. spirituality is hard because i like thinking that way, like afterlife & shit, but i worry that im just "in denial" & using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism that leads to magical thinking thoughts. then its like i have some sort of meta ocd spiral obsessing over if what im doing is bad & unhealthy for my ocd or not. i LIKE being spiritual but im worrying im hurting myself & doing a compulsion thinking that way. it also doesnt help that religious spaces have hurt & traumatized so many people & im terrified of being apart of a "delusional" community that spreads a false narrative & attacks anyone that doesnt agree with them. i know i am not like that but i worry im still apart of the problem even thinking this way. at the end of the day no one knows the truth, no one knows what happens after death. im just struggling to sit with the uncertainty. it is so late rn idk of any of my words make sense lol

Sorry, I know I keep posting on here but it’s like a diary for me. The people on here seem to be the only people that understand what I’m going through. With my obsession about death, the afterlife, and whether or not there is a God, I’ve been going crazy with the compulsions lately. My brain keeps saying things like “If [insert random insignificant event, ex: a red car drives by] within the next 30 seconds, it‘s a sign from God that he is real.” Or there’s the ruminating, where I try to comfort myself by saying that there has to be a God, and that we have to have a greater purpose, and I’ll think about it for hours. I know it’s illogical and ridiculous but regardless it’s absolutely dreadful to feel this way. I have hope after seeing some people say they’ve learned to cope with and have recovered from that feeling of existential dread and the compulsions that can come with it and still be able to find joy in their lives. I hope that soon I can find that joy again. The past three days I’ve lived in a constant state of anxiety and misery. I’ve completely lost my appetite and I physically have to force myself to eat (and I’m a big binge eater that only recently went into recovery for BED so that’s saying a LOT.) The only time I feel at peace is literally when I’m sleeping, or those rare fleeting moments where I somehow am not thinking about it. I haven’t really felt any emotions in depth except for this feeling of utter hopelessness. I hope I can move past this, find comfort in restoring my relationship with religion again without using it as a compulsion, and just live my life accepting that there are some things we’ll simply never know without letting it ruin my life.

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression