So it's been 7 days since my last post and I'm back. I've been feeling mostly good, little more relaxed compared to before and it felt decent giving myself a break from the usual things my mind ruminates about or any compulsions I might have urges on. There were days where I felt completely okay with my mistake and other days where I kept saying myself for it. Days where I felt I was allowed to make mistakes in order to get better, but other days that make it seem like because I made these mistakes I'm an idiot or an awful person because no one else would possibly make the same mistake I made. Tonight was one of the more bad days. I know you need bad days to have good days to balance out of course, but I'm getting all confused again. It's hard to talk to people about this because they'll quickly realize that I'm repeating myself over my mistakes in the same way my mind thinks of the same think over and over and over and over again. Though I don't blame them. I guess that's the one thing I'm stuck on much like before: The quest for certainty. To be honest, it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't think about it so much because deep down I do feel that my mistakes were mistakes and they aren't things I want to go through again or see someone else go through. I don't wish that kind of thing on anyone at all. Every single time my mind goes back to the mistakes however, I can't help but feel I'm in the wrong and I don't deserve any grace for the things that happened, even though I didn't plan any of the mistakes. I just want to let go of these thoughts and accept that I messed up and made the mistakes I made and move on back to how I used to be before the pandemic.

I made a post earlier today about my past and things that happened and maybe I didn’t phrase it really in the best way haha :’)) so I’ll try and make it shorter. February has been complicated for me and recently. First my mental health was bad because of studies but I had this thought regarding my past that was a little tempting and led me to spiral on about my past, I gave into it and that really took me for a whole spin. I’ve started to open up about things that I never thought I would talk about and even slowly opening up to my therapist. These things happened in childhood and I mimicked actions I saw at a young age ( despite these things happening, it was only just one side of my childhood ) and even though it’s still not easy for me to deal with it, I often have the urge to confess and fear that it’s my intuition telling me to confess and if I don’t, something bad is going to happen or I’m a bad person. I’ve talked about my story to someone in a detailed way and to my therapist briefly and she understood and treated me with kindness but these thoughts still linger. Sometimes it gets to a point where I have the thought briefly telling me negative things but it doesn’t focus on the good things that happened and how I’ve learned and not repeated the action. It just focuses on the bad and when I just pause , it goes silent and keeps quiet, I realise that it’s all just thoughts.

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?