So it's been 7 days since my last post and I'm back. I've been feeling mostly good, little more relaxed compared to before and it felt decent giving myself a break from the usual things my mind ruminates about or any compulsions I might have urges on. There were days where I felt completely okay with my mistake and other days where I kept saying myself for it. Days where I felt I was allowed to make mistakes in order to get better, but other days that make it seem like because I made these mistakes I'm an idiot or an awful person because no one else would possibly make the same mistake I made. Tonight was one of the more bad days. I know you need bad days to have good days to balance out of course, but I'm getting all confused again. It's hard to talk to people about this because they'll quickly realize that I'm repeating myself over my mistakes in the same way my mind thinks of the same think over and over and over and over again. Though I don't blame them. I guess that's the one thing I'm stuck on much like before: The quest for certainty. To be honest, it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't think about it so much because deep down I do feel that my mistakes were mistakes and they aren't things I want to go through again or see someone else go through. I don't wish that kind of thing on anyone at all. Every single time my mind goes back to the mistakes however, I can't help but feel I'm in the wrong and I don't deserve any grace for the things that happened, even though I didn't plan any of the mistakes. I just want to let go of these thoughts and accept that I messed up and made the mistakes I made and move on back to how I used to be before the pandemic.