hello everybody. for about 3 years now i have felt suicidal on and off and intensely depressed everyday. i could never quite pinpoint why but what i did know is that everybody around me infuriated me, people i’d never even spoken to with little behaviours, speech, the way they’d do certain things etc. around a year ago maybe more i started getting intrusive thoughts based on incest that made me feel so disgusting within myself that i couldn’t be around that family member for months. i’d lock myself away from them. i decided to replace those thoughts i’d try and think of something worse, mutilation. now i have to think of mutilation everyday and it always has to be specific and it feels like an urge like my brain is saying ‘DO THIS DO THIS’ for example my most common one is cutting off all of my fingers with a meat cleaver. however, if i had this thought with a knife i’d feel dirty and wrong and have to think of it with a cleaver because that’s ‘correct’. sometimes i’ll get a physically tingling in my body parts, normally my legs. this leads to me thinking of lying on a train track and letting a train cut them off. stuff like this always floods my mind. a common thing when i think a lot is getting the urge to shoot my self in the face or imagining my corpse post shot. i’m in the u.k. and don’t have access to firearms. i have always been obsessive. when i was younger i was fixated on thomas the tank engine. it got to the point where i would go to a toy shop and be disappointed to find if managed to amass my collection to the point there was never a single one i didn’t own. recently i got into the band manic street preachers. i could tell you the last thing richey ever wrote to somebody, the name of his only girlfriend, where she was form and how old she was and why it was significant he left the note. he was all i spoke about for weeks. after the rosy every thursday i have to go to the bathroom, go into the first stall and head it the right wall repeatedly. i always have to buy a bottle of lemon flavoured water everyday, most days i don’t even drink it i just feel wrong without it. there’s a lot more but this is running a little long don’t you think? basically, on the 10th of december i will be going to get assessed for 2 and a half hours by a therapist to determine what my issues are. speaking with friends who have been professionally diagnosed and my current therapist (who isn’t qualified to fully deal with OCD) they are all feeling it is OCD. my therapist thinks it’s worth looking into whereas my diagnosed friends are certain my diagnosis will come back positive. i feel guilty because a part of me has that voice saying ‘your faking it all this isn’t real’ etc etc but i tells myself i wouldn’t have to go and be there and i wouldn’t feel awful if it wasn’t real. i don’t know if it’s linked but in the last 6 months i have developed tics that vary in severity. what do you all think? does this sound like OCD?