I’m putting it all out there. When I was young I was a very sexual child. I have no idea why, but I just was. I remember my siblings and I used to take turns playing “house or doctor” this happened between ages 7-9 until eventually we just grew out of it. Never thought of it for years. I’m 26 now and for some reason one day it just popped into my head and I haven’t been able to shake it since. I start creating new memories worse then the original ones and I start making myself believe I continued this behavior into my teenage years ( even though I know I didn’t) OCD has me now convinced I’m a disgusting human being and a p*dophile for what I did at these ages. What makes it worse is I can’t go back in time and check myself which is all my OCD wants to do. Double check everything ALWAYS. Do others struggle with this too?

babbie

Date posted: 5y

Hey, thanks for sharing this. I was kind of like this too, but I didn’t know anyone else was. I really appreciate your bravery in saying this.

Hope309

Date posted: 5y

Thank you

jupiterfest

Date posted: 5y

I was the exact same and my current OCD obsession is that I did something really horrific as a child. Myself and a neighbour would play ‘mummy and daddy’ and because I was a few months older I’ve convinced myself I was this huge monster and I’ve done something terrible. I also completely agree with the each memory is worse than the last one and I’m making up things in my head that are just completely not true

jupiterfest

Date posted: 5y

We never actually did anything properly we would just hug a lot... but as I said each time I remember it I convince myself it was so much more than that

Hope309

Date posted: 5y

@jupiterfest Well I actually did improper things. Things that were taught to me by other older children. One being a 13 year old when I was only 6 or 7. I think it’s were I learned the behavior and continued doing it because I thought it was fun or curious about the feelings I got surrounding it. But I was also just a child not fully understanding the extent of what I was doing. Anyway I have to live with the mistake and try to forgive myself for no knowing any better everyday. It’s hard sometimes however

Iwashere2

Date posted: 5y

Im in a same boat. Kind of was sexual child before I even knew what sex was! I think learning more about the complexity of sexual behavior helped take a bit a ammo away from the OCD. Of course, researching can be a compulsion but genuinely learning about yourself and learning not to feel guilty for your experiences can help.

Hope309

Date posted: 5y

Yes. I did research as well and realized it’s more common then we think. My OCD still attacks me however that I’m abnormal or I did worse and I just don’t remember it or everyone will hate me. My OCD likes to hand around the idea of others hating me and not deserving happiness due to the wrong that I did

Iwashere2

Date posted: 5y

@Hope309 It took me some time to realize there's our actual fear and then the themes that help fuel the fear. Whether or not I remember that in the heat of a spiral of course is hard

Hope309

Date posted: 5y

@Iwashere2 Yes my true fear is being hated by others or people I love. My OCD will latch on to anything extreme that could possibly cause that outcome. Understanding that helps however

21816ogeid

Date posted: 5y

Yes me too, i was a very sexual child , i remember looking up “sex” on my mothers phone hoping to find images and stuff, im 16 now and it makes me feel sick, i knew about sex since i was about 5, idk how but i did. It makes me feel sick i wish i could change my past so badly.

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