OCD??! Please help Hi I’m 17 and I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’ve been given medication a few months ago to deal with it (propranolol & fluoxetine). Earlier this year I was convinced I was dying, I would constantly check my pulse and look in the mirror to see if my face had gone white or yellow or a weird colour. I would google symptoms of death and compare them to my symptoms and I would also google my symptoms to see what they sounded like. Every night before I went to sleep I would say “ if I’m going to die please let it be when I’m sleeping” and sometimes I wouldn’t even sleep in case I didn’t wake up in the morning. I even made my mum take me to the hospital one time because I thought I had cancer. I didn’t. Also one time I thought I was having a heart attack and didn’t leave my bed all day for fear of collapsing as soon as I stood up, but that was just Anxiety causing chest pain. I even thought of Suicide just to get it over with because I couldn’t handle the fear anymore. But after a few months of that I start getting intrusive thoughts about children. I was so so scared and confused by these thoughts I didn’t know what to do. I thought “omg if i even have to question it then I must be that”. I would avoid going out, being around the little ones in my family. I thought I was this monster. but then I started researching and I came across ocd. Specifically pocd. And I thought omg this sounds like all my symptoms. I was reading people’s stories and watching YouTube videos on ocd and I felt relieved that I wasn’t one of them sick people. But then the doubt crept in again. And I cried and cried but then I couldn’t cry anymore. Like I physically couldn’t cry ( I think due to the antidepressant I’m taking). The thoughts went away for a few days and I felt great. But then they came back worse and I was so terrified that I actually could be capable of doing something that evil and disgusting. Then they went away again for 2 days and they came back a few days ago worse than ever. I am almost convinced that I am a p. I would literally rather die than be one of them. I’ve resulted in self harm due to these thoughts. (Punch walls, cut my wrists) and I seem to feel no pain when I do it. It’s like I’m numb. The thoughts aren’t really giving me much anxiety anymore and that scares the living hell out of me because it feels soooo real and it feels like I’m turning into that person. Every time I go out now and I see a child I literally have to hold in my emotions because all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs because I feel so guilty and panicky. No one knows about these thoughts I’m having. Also a few weeks ago I gave up. I was trying to sleep and the thoughts just took over my head so I sat up and it was dark and I just said “god please just kill me because I can’t do this anymore, I can’t live like this. If your plan for me is to make me into such an awful sick person then just kill me and let me die” I was so tired and broken I just wanted to die. But I held on for my mum. I started trying to get back to sleep again. And suddenly an image flashed through my mind of me dragging a razor blade along my throat and bleeding out. And i literally felt an urge to do it. It was terrifying. Then an image of me stabbing my mum came into my head and I literally wanted to run out of my house so i wouldn’t harm myself or anybody else. I must of fell asleep at one point. But now I am just completely exhausted physically and mentally. I just feel so done and I feel like this is the end of the line for me. My head is literally in pieces and so is my heart. For years now I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’ve always wanted loads of children, and I’ve always been around small children my whole life and never once had one of these thoughts about them. I just need it to stop. I need them out, or I don’t know what will happen. I feel like I’m going insane, this doesn’t feel like real life. It feels like an illusion I’ve fabricated in my head and I can’t get out. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel so weak and ashamed and scared. Does anyone know a way to deal with this please?? Thank you if you’ve read this far I don’t know what else to do.