Hey guys!! Thank you to the other people who commented on my last post and liked it. It helped me feel a lot less alone. But I am struggling with something really weird. I think right now I'm dealing with a bunch of subtypes of OCD but my main obsession is that "what if my boyfriend is a rapist/pedo?" And it's really really getting to me because I KNOW that he's not, he's literally the sweetest person in the world. But my brain is turning every good thought I have about him into something terrible. It's latching onto everything, making me check my feelings constantly, latching onto how I feel about gifts he given me, latching onto to even certain words he's said to me. And my brain always has something negative to say about him. It's driving me nuts. Because I sincerely love him and I do not want our relationship to end. And I'm scared I'm in denial or something, what if I don't have OCD what if this is all an excuse to hide something that you truly feel about him? And the thought of that sends me into a state of depression. It feels like there's an evil voice in my head all the time that is not mine. Telling me to do things that I never want to do. Saying I have to do them or my boyfriend will die, and if I don't do it I will die, or I'll lose control and kill him because deep down that's how I truly feel or something. That I want to kill him??? I feel like because I'm pushing away these thoughts, it's making me feel like I need to confess to something that I don't think actually happened to me. But everytime I let them just try to pass, it's an automatic for me to respond to them and ruminate. I just don't know what to do. I really really really don't want to ruin my relationship. I just want to feel happy and normal again and content. I'm scared I won't feel that away again unless I leave him or do the terrible things that my intrusive thoughts want me to do. That scares me so much. I really do someone who can relate. I know this is long and I don't think anyone will read this. But if you do, thank you it means a lot.

z0esp1anet

Date posted: 4y

My intrusive thoughts just seem to take up everything. And I'm worried they're not even intrusive thoughts are something, what if I'm just telling myself that? I just don't feel normal and I'm scared that I'm not even OCD. I'm just scared. But I feel like part of me knows I'm OCD because of all the ruminating, intrusive thoughts, reassurance seeking, compulsions. But then I'm like what if I'm not OCD "enough". What if something terrible is actually happening to me and I can't accept it. I just don't know how to feel or think anymore. Its driving me to the point where I'm suicidal.

TBoogz21

Date posted: 4y

I can relate and am currently having the same sort of thoughts about my partner. I feel like it stems from my past childhood trauma which has created such trust issues but I know that my partner is wonderful, kind, loving and caring and always showing it so I make sure I remind myself of this although the intrusive thoughts of him being a pedo are frightening and scary , I simply let them come, sit with them and let them go as they please because the truth is in his actions and in what he’s shown me the last 4years.

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