Hi guys, Straight female here. Having a tough night. I guess I'm ruminating on how this OCD started, I was browsing an app and came across half naked anime girls and I guess sexual images in general arouse me (I'm not sure why), but then I froze and told myself "oh my God, I must be a lesbian and I can't be with my boyfriend anymore." Ever since then, I've been checking and checking and checking some more. I've managed to not research anything (which I'm proud of), but it's just so unbearable, I'm worried I'm somehow in denial or something because the thoughts at first didn't really give me much anxiety but now I'm very stressed out. I keep thinking about my past and if I was a normal "straight" person, and wondering if I'm somehow actually a lesbian. I keep having awful dreams about it. Ironically, I can still be intimate with my boyfriend and somewhat enjoy sex but other times not so much and my brain tells me I am lying to myself. I keep trying to reassure myself that I'm not homosexual. I can't even fall asleep tonight. I checked my stress levels on my health app and its through the roof. I just want to feel like I used to and be confident about my identity, but my brain tells me that I only enjoyed sex with my boyfriend back then because it was new and exciting and just a fling. Before all this, I was only ever attracted to men and only had male crushes. Now, I find it hard to even understand what's going on and I find more comfort in wondering if I'm just asexual so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm physically shaking writing about this because I feel so hopeless. Just a few hours ago, I thought I had a breakthrough and I was feeling alright. I accepted the thoughts as they were and I was going along with it. But now it's triggered again because I'm not sure if they're intrusive thoughts or me being in denial, because I keep having to reassure myself that I'm not homosexual and that I'm attracted to men. The guilt of how it all started is keeping me from moving on because it is somehow proof that I am not straight. This is awful. It feels good to write it out. Thanks for reading.

Queen, you're so right. Any other normal person wouldn't even bat an eye at it, but we scrutinize everything and overthink all of our choices in life. I'm feeling better this morning actually, because I realize that sex in general arouses people (I remember reading that women especially have this reaction and are sensitive to it) and it in no way affects orientation. It is simply just how it is and we must live with uncertainty. The more I arm myself with facts and reality and reassess my situation from a different perspective, the less my OCD becomes real. Thanks so much for sharing and reading my post :) we will feel better with time. Sending you lots of positive waves 🙃

@OCDismyMiddleName Of course girl we all got to stick up to each other! Have you talked to your boyfriend about ocd? You don’t have to say specifics but you can just say “Hey I struggle with ocd” I had to do that in my last relationship and he was actually really understand and wanted to read articles to help me. I’m def still struggling though thinking about the future now

@Madeline Yes! He's actually the one who recommended me to get therapy through NOCD. He's honestly the most caring person in my life and he has done so much research into OCD just to help me. I think that's where the OCD is stemming from (I don't want to lose him). Kind of crazy to think of how our brains sabotage us lol. All of my relationship OCD and HOCD started to happen whenever I realized that we will be engaged soon. It sucks living with this because of the fear and the constant overthinking. But one day we'll overcome this and be ready for the next round. Again, thanks so much for listening to my situation and I hope you're feeling good today. I know you're hesitant about future relationships, but sis, you haven't crossed that bridge yet and you're seeking help now so that you will be prepared for the future (with or without someone). You are strong! 😁

@OCDismyMiddleName Aww thank you so much that made my day! 😁 I’m always scared that my ocd will scare any future boyfriends off

@Madeline Of course 😄 I understand this fear. But I don't think we give enough credit to good people. We constantly see bad relationships, bad breakups, bad situations, etc., and we forget about the good people in this world. I really do believe that if you can see the worth of yourself, someone else will see it too. Living with OCD isn't easy, but it has made us really cool individuals. We're typically great at work and school, we're high achievers, we seek improvement of not only ourselves but of others, we never stop fighting. I know there's tons of articles saying that having OCD makes it difficult to be in a relationship, but the things I listed above tells me that a relationship with someone like us is really worthwhile. Why? Well, look at it this way: The reason we go through these subtypes is because we are so afraid of hurting others or ourselves. We are so consumed by the risks and often times, our empathy is tenfold compared to others. We care. In fact, we care so much that we're willing to risk our own wellbeing and face extreme anxiety and pain with what we deal with, just so that nothing bad will happen to the people we love or cherish. We sacrifice so much of ourselves that anyone who understands OCD will also understand that we do it out of fear, not out of silliness or madness. This is how I've been able to live with myself. I know I wrote a lot, but I just wanted to give you a deeper perspective of this so that you can have hope.

@OCDismyMiddleName That was worded so well! That’s a great way to think about it thank you! I’ve also had some really horrible experiences with men which also feeds my hocd unfortunately. I’ve definitely forgotten about the good men out there, men like my dad and Grandpas. I’ve just always had the fear that a man will reject me because I’m too much. I actually wasn’t diagnosed with ocd until like a year ago so it was always that I was the weird kid and had something wrong with me

@Madeline Hey, I totally get that. For me, it was the opposite. I had a strained relationship with my family and the men in my household, and so even though I always usually had good experiences with guys outside of my family, that disconnect made it hard for me to accept love and understanding. It will work out in the end though, we're just in the eye of the storm right now lol.

@OCDismyMiddleName That’s very true! I have to remember to see the rainbow at the end of the storm

Hi there, thank you for your kind words and for sharing :) I am in my 20s and dealing with this, so I cannot imagine how hard it would be for you as a teen and having a bunch of peer pressure (I remember high school being very tough). Its awesome that you are seeking help and working through it. It is such a tough subtype. When I was 16, I was dealing with harm OCD and it was terrible, but things do get better. We have our ups and downs but I am grateful for this community. Thanks for responding.

@Anonymous Yes the thing is I live in India and there are many taboos about teenage mental health and there are hardly any good HOCD therapist here so I am just using therapy. Through work books and videos and this app

@tulipsharma1004 The good news is that a lot of OCD is dealt with on our own. For example, I wasn't actually diagnosed with OCD until this year. But I've dealt with OCD my entire life (my onset was at age 5). I researched a lot throughout the years, I took many psychology classes (I suggest you do this as well, it can be very helpful if you know the science behind the mind) and I forced myself to do erp before I even knew what erp was. And I honestly was okay, I have good times and bad times with OCD. The important part for all of us is to keep growing and understanding it and not feeding the negative energy. You are not alone, and I know it's scary without professional help, but there is HOPE. One day at a time, we will surpass our fears. We can never fully live without it, but I can say with certainty that each subtype gets a little bit easier to deal with as time goes on. YOU'RE NOT ALONE :)

@Anonymous Thank you

@OCDismyMiddleName Thank you