So before this POCD spike I read a lot of erotic fanfiction (none about minors or children) and listened to nsfw audios (again, none involving children or minors). It never disrupted my day to day and I also looked up non sexual cute things, but with how much I read/listened to them, does that mean I was developing a sex addiction? And also I remember starting to look up lesbian porn again even though I swore years ago never to do that. I never thought about having another woman do those things to me or wanting her to (as far as I know), and now this makes me nervous for the future, especially in regards to remembering that I looked up the shota hentai.

Fuck yeah, man. I couldn't have said it better. That's why I'm trying to make my mind and body feel like sexual content online doesn't exist, and whenever it wants it I just try to remind myself of what you said basically. I honestly want it out of my life for the best.

Makes sense. Most of the fanfics and audios I consumed (actually pretty much all of them) were very loving in nature so I wouldn’t call them cheap but I get what you’re saying.

@ArtNinjaGirl If anything they set my expectations too high XD

@ArtNinjaGirl I don't really think fanfictions are a problem as much as visual pornography is in terms of videos and pictures, but yeah. Kinda just want to get away from it all.

@BigGip09 Oh yeah I totally get that

@ArtNinjaGirl You know, I saw you post quite a bit and they've stuck with me. How old are you and what brings you here? What are you going through?

@BigGip09 I’m 25 and going through POCD right now. I looked at a comic that is in a murky grey area (a Japanese comic that had a shota in it, or someone that looks too young to be doing that stuff). I know I’m not attracted to that at all, and I’m very ashamed and disgusted and I wish I had never ever looked at it. I’ve only ever gone for older guys or guys my age. Of course OCD makes it very hard (even as I say this I know I’m probably going to be doubting everything later) and I want things to go back to the way they were before I looked at it (wishful thinking I know). Also struggling with HOCD right now too, which has gone on for years.

@ArtNinjaGirl I'm 18 and I'm in a very similar boat with you. Before I had tried to put a stop to my porn addiction, I had been browsing point but at one point saw something that looked way too disturbing and flat out wrong on a site that I thought was protected from things like those videos. Comments from the video seemed extremely angry and I clicked out of it as fast as I could. I can't stop thinking about the incident and I hate that I can't. Another incident is where I tried looking up a word I didn't really know the meaning of but I don't think I saw anything horrible or anyone too young. Another time is where I searched for girls my age on YouTube and then comments kept debating on whether the girls were 18 or under and it got me really afraid that I watched sexual content with children in it and it really fucks with me today. I'm not at all attracted to kids, rather attracted to teenagers because I myself am one. Only girls my age and above. Something about it has to do with more than what I'm attracted to as well. I'm kind of getting sick of pornography overall and want to keep away from it for as long as I can. I also wish I hadn't looked at the things I did or pretty much never got into anything sexual at all. I feel like if I didn't I would have absolutely nothing to worry about. Everything was fine before trying to explore my sexual feelings and ever since then I feel that I shouldn't do anything sexual at all.

@BigGip09 *porn not point

@BigGip09 Same with me. If I hadn’t looked at it I would’ve been totally fine.

@ArtNinjaGirl I don't think it's your fault though because we didn't mean to find things like that. And we sure as hell weren't attracted to what we saw. I think you're fine if you were just reading it and unexpectedly finding it

@BigGip09 Well see that’s the thing. I had seen it a few years ago when I was 19-21. I didn’t know it was bad at the time (even though it’s somewhat obvious now that I think about it) and when I realized it was bad I started having POCD and swore never to look at it again. The years since I was doing pretty good. I don’t know what possessed me but I looked at it again two weeks ago and started my recent spike. I wish I had never ever looked at it both two weeks ago and years ago. I felt gross, still do, and wish I could banish it forever from my mind

@ArtNinjaGirl I still think you're fine, since you say you didn't know it was bad when you were younger. I could say the same for myself back when I was about 15 at the very least. I didn't know that what I was watching was necessarily bad. I can recall back to all of the pornography I used to watch but I didn't know that any of them were bad. The cartoons would come from shows I watched growing up and I didn't see them as bad at all but looking back in disgusted from what I saw when I did watch porn all my years growing up. It was all confusing but at the time of searching it was okay to experiment with. I was a minor at the time too. You're not going through any bad sex addictions, are you?

@BigGip09 I don’t think so? It isn’t consuming my life, and in fact when this spike started I did a complete 180 and was feeling like anything sexual at all was disgusting

@ArtNinjaGirl I'm feeling that last part quite a bit too, but even then masturbating is something that's really hard for me to stop, though I do want to stop doing it overall. I want to stay away from pretty much everything sexual. I don't know if that counts as avoidance from the OCD or not

@BigGip09 @artninjagirl hello you two, this is months later but I feel like I’m in the exact situation as you. May I ask if you talked to a therapist abt your situation? If so, how did it go? I’m so scared of opening up and taking the first step bc I don’t want to be accused of being someone I’m not to the point that I created a plan of offing myself (I don’t want to hurt anyone, I really don’t)

@truya I haven't gotten therapy yet. It still bothers me to this day but the best that I can do now is tell myself that I feel bad about it for a reason and we all do. We don't watch to be apart of that stuff and we don't want it in our lives. I got exposed to these kind of videos at quite a young impressionable age thinking it's normal, so porn definitely fucked me up in that area along with many others. My porn addiction took me to a lot of places and now I constantly worry about it. Or at least my OCD makes me worry about it when I don't want to.

I think the second you stopped watching was the day you realized what it really was makes you a good person.

@BigGip09 Do you really think so? I feel so disgusted with myself I can’t stop crying, I honestly forgot I ever even watched it until a few nights ago it randomly popped into my brain.

@Alicat23 OCD tends to make all of us feel that way. You honestly didn't know it was bad when you were watching that, and I think you mean that. Plus, you've never went back to it when realizing what it really was. You weren't even thinking about it either.