Hello everyone! I just wanna give a heads up that this post might not be for everyone and you should all do research before you even think about trying what I did, but I just wanted to write about and remove some stigma around magic mushrooms. I just had a psylocibin trip and it has already changed my perspective on life. I don’t know if I’ll feel this way for a long time but as of right now I feel happiness and self love, something I haven’t felt in months. I was diagnosed with GAD, OCD and depression and I am also battling addiction (I’m about 3 months sober now) I felt extreme guilt and shame for years but as of 2020 I felt myself going down a bigger spiral. I completely isolated my self from family, friends and even my fiancé. I’ve had 4 therapists in the past months and I’ve been going CBT and I just started ERP but I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I was having a really hard time forgiving myself. I found myself calling the suicide hotline often and I started googling on what would be the most pain free way to do it. I knew I needed help. I saw studies that psylocibin was tested to be helpful with depression and I came across videos on how it might benefit OCD as well and I decided to do it. My theme is ROCD. I fear that I am not good enough for my fiancé and I have intrusive thoughts that make me believe that I may have flirted or maybe even cheated on her in the past even though I have no recollection of doing so. I made it a goal to go into my trip with the mindset to heal from this. I ate the dose and I turned off the lights in my room, threw on some healing music on YouTube and closed my eyes. I don’t know how to describe it but I visualized my ROCD as a giant octopus whose tentacles had wrapped around my fiancé’s body and was strangling her. The more I fought the intrusive thoughts about not loving her, the stronger it squeezed her. It was really intense but eventually (maybe 2 hours into this) I realized that by not letting go of the thought I was hurting my fiancé more than if the thought was true. I realized that I’ve been putting her through so much by feeding into my compulsions and confessing to her and asking her for reassurance. Once that hit me I decided to not fight the thoughts and just observe them and I even started to agree with them. As soon as I did that the octopus let her go but her body was dead. I guess that is the way the mushrooms showed me that if I kept going in this direction I was really going to lose her. I cried so much and this was honestly a terrifying experience but I feel like it was just what I needed to realize that I can’t keep going like this. It was so hard for me not to do my compulsions of ruminating, confessing and seeking reassurance but now I understand that it is only making it worse. It’s like it all clicked once I surrendered to the thought. I have a new mindset now. If my worst case scenario comes true and I really did do those horrible things then I will deal with them when they present themselves. Even if we get a divorce and she never wants to speak to me again, I know that everything will be okay. I’ll always love her and I’ll always treasure every moment we shared together. I chose to live in the present and enjoy every second we have together. I hope this helps someone that’s in a similar situation that I was. I love you all and wish you all healing.