I have been struggling with HOCD since this past July. I literally cannot stop thinking. It’s so frustrating because I know deep down that it’s OCD, but I always have my brain saying “Well, what if it’s not and the thoughts mean something? If it wasn’t true you wouldn’t think about it so much...” I have always been an introspective person, so I am realizing that this is not new... it’s just all consuming now. In high school, I would have sexual intrusive thoughts about my girlfriends and was curious about sexuality, so I internally labeled myself as bi and moved on. I didn’t recognize it as OCD, though I was diagnosed with emetophobia bc my anxiety about puking was so intense... but that’s another story lmao. I’m now realizing, however, that it likely wasn’t the case. I have only ever dated or had sexual/romantic thoughts about men. Of course, my anxiety tells me it’s bc I’m in denial and heteronormative society has “ruined my brain”. I remember having my dating app set to men & women for approx 1 hour until I realized I didn’t see myself attracted to any women in that way. I “came out” impulsively as bi to a handful of friends a few years back, but I feel that I was wrong. I took it back but I’m still constantly thinking about it. I feel like I’m a liar and a fraud. I’m so scared I’m actually bi or gay and I’m living a lie or something. Worst of all, I feel guilty because of my relationship with my boyfriend. I love him so dearly, but I am constantly questioning if I actually love him or if I’m faking it because I’m gay and love women and I’m just tricking myself. I am so scared and frustrated and on the brink of tears all the time. It’s better now than it was back in July... at least I can eat and sleep now. But holy hell. I want to go back to not feeling like I’m on the brink of spiraling 24/7. I don’t get so anxious anymore, but I still get caught in a thought spiral whenever I see a gay woman or an attractive woman... so whenever I go on social media, consume media, or go in public lmao. A few of my friends identify as bi or gay as well and I am always so anxious around them which makes me feel homophobic. I feel like I’m going crazy. I just want to get better.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I also have a boyfriend and it’s really stuff sometimes to set those thoughts aside i feel guilty in a way.. especially talking an the future w him cause my hocd tells me that in the future i’m going to be different. i’m in the stage now where i’m just done with everything and the being bi thing scares me cause like i don’t want to be but my brain is literally convincing my i am.

akarlinchak

Date posted: 4y

Yup! One of my compulsions is saying the word “bi” and “straight” in my head over & over to see which one “feels more me” like bitch... they feel the SAME it’s honestly a comedy show at this point

aurokoi

Date posted: 4y

Are we the same person??? I also went with bi for years without really thinking about it until recently when I downloaded a dating app and felt awkward on the women’s page, then I was like maybe I’m not bi... at the same time I was having a bad ptsd flare up and I couldn’t be around men so my first thought was WHAT IF YOURE A LESBIAN 😭 I’ve only had attractions towards men, I thought I had a crush on a girl but I think it was because she was just really cool, because I never thought about her or anything the way way I did with the guys I liked. But this whole business is convincing me that was all a lie and a cover up bc I didn’t want to admit I liked women 😭

akarlinchak

Date posted: 4y

Yup yup yup yup this right here! I felt SO uncomfy speaking to women in a way that wasn’t friendly and I worried whenever talking to women who identified as bi or gay that they thought I was bi/gay or flirting w them.... like.... I think that’s a sign this is all anxiety madam clown. But I’m still constantly going back & forth between bi and straight w the random “jk you’re gay” thought thrown in there... it’s just frustrating bc EVERYTHING is a trigger. Seeing a couple walk a dog? Trigger. I’d imagaine myself doing it w a girl or with a boy and if I could see myself doing it w a girl I don’t get anxious and the fact I don’t get anxious makes me anxious. Like, bitch... you can imagine killing someone but that doesn’t make you a murderer. Just like imagining holding hands w a girl doesn’t make you gay. The thought that you aren’t disgusted by it doesn’t make you gay either. But as I type this out I’m still anxious and convinced I’m I’m denial lmao

missbluesky

Date posted: 4y

i understand. i worry because the hocd didn’t make me panic immediately

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

girl... u just read my mind OMG

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I identified as lesbian for a few years then started dating a man. Oh my god, it’s just terrible. Like obviously I love him but the thought that I might be living a lie or being unfair to him is all-consuming.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

so you think you had hocd all along???

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous No, I know I’m attracted to women. But I have the constant thought “what if you’re not attracted to men at all?”.

missbluesky

Date posted: 4y

how did you know you were attracted to women? if you don’t mind me asking

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@missbluesky To be honest I ID’d as straight for 20 years. I got into an abusive relationship with a man and just shut myself off from them completely after that. Started talking to women instead and realized that there was actually an attraction there. I don’t really experience sexual attraction often so I can’t really say. I think I’m just attracted to people’s minds and realized I can be drawn to anyone of their personality is great enough

missbluesky

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous i’m not gonna lie, that’s really triggering. did you ever think about it before?

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