I feel like OCD is magnifying my latest mistakes that I didn't want to happen at all. A few days ago I was on instagram looking through my search feed and saw a family guy meme that I thought was funny, though I don't really like the show. I looked through the comments and saw a few profiles commenting similar things to each other and I thought it was silly in a good way. I clicked on one of them thinking they were a meme page but the first post I see that they had was CP... I had reported the post for what it was and left Instagram feeling disgusted that night. People that left comments didn't really see bothered by the fact that there was a drawing of a 14 year old fictional character with very detailed sexual body parts and I don't know why. I feel like it was my fault for even clicking on the page. I was expecting memes because if anything the comment looked pre made as if an Instagram bot would put it there to begin with. I just feel horrible for witnessing what I did and I feel like I'll never be able to positively move on from something so traumatic. The other mistake happened on youtube when one night I wanted to search for girls my age which was 18. On occasion ice done this on porn sites and on YouTube and it wasn't until that night where I got worried that the video showed girls that weren't of age because the comments kept debating about their age as a whole. I only searched for girls my age because something about them being my age having similar interests and I guess it felt more real to me. It's stupid, but I even apply this to my real life friends. I'm always happy to be friends with people my age, so I guess I wanted the same thing sexually. I hope that's not stupidly weird. OCD makes it so I wanted things like this to happen but I didn't at all. I haven't planned any of these things to happen, and I'm not attracted to children. I like girls my age and I like girls older than I am. It's been that way since puberty began for me from what I remember. I hate that OCD tries to alter that. I can't get this out of my head because I feel like I'm in trouble for it. I feel like I just ended all the good things I had with these mistakes happening. It makes me feel like I never wish I even knew about sexual feelings to begin with. There was another mistake that was intentional however which had to do with trying to sexually explore with other teens online when I was about 15. I didn't see a problem with it at all when i did it but even since I recalled that I did it back in June of this year I couldn't help but feel never ending guilt about it and my recent mistakes. I decided not to watch any more pornography with the help of an adult content blocker but it's still hard for me to stop on youtube. There's so much wrong with me.

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

I have this same situation replaying in my head. It has to do with porn so if your young just know this may be a little graphic. I tend to use Twitter for porn and the reason I do this is it’s a lot more direct I can type in what I want to see and it’s there I don’t have to go through unknown websites and hope not to get viruses, and to be a little more specific more amateur/ real sexual experiences come up on Twitter rather than porn pages with staged written scenes. So in my use of Twitter for this there’s been times when questionable material/ illegal material has come up and never did I save it knowing it was 100% illegal or even interact with it if I knew it was 100% illegal. I was 18 or 19 at the time of this and I started to fear that in these moments I would look at these illegal videos/ sketchy videos to long when they would pop up like for example I remember seeing a video that was 100% illegal content and I was so shocked and like confused that I looked at it for a moment and then left and then I went back to look at it again just to confirm that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing I also remember seeing videos that were in a 18+ section but sometimes the girls in the videos looked like they could be 15-17. As we all know 18 year olds can look anywhere from 15-17 or even younger these days so I would be cautious and use my context clues and what I knew when watching videos that I was suspicious about but had no proof of them being illegal aside from my thoughts and the person looking young. So with this and me worrying I got super scared and hyper aware of what I was watching and now I remember me going back on Twitter to look at content that I was intending to be 18+ but all I would think about is what if something illegal would come up what if I see it and I look for to long or what if I feel attracted and I like it. And I just remember going back to Twitter to look at legal porn but it felt like I was there so that something illegal could come up to see how I’d naturally react to it. Never did I go and type in key words or type in anything illegal in fact I remember times I would strictly put 18+ next to whatever I was searching so I could be sure everything was legal but sometimes it would feel like my hope and intention was that I would see something illegal so that I could feel that anxiety rush or just to see how I would react naturally to seeing it and I feel like this would count as me intentionally looking for it so now I feel disgusting and like I committed a crime. Sometimes I just feel like I was only looking at porn because I wanted to feel that anxiety of what if something bad comes up and how would I react. I know deep down I didn’t want to see illegal content and that I was probably just feeling that I wanted to check how id feel if it did come up but now I feel like I was intentionally looking and that my whole objective was for something questionable to come up so I can see how I react. Is this ocd or did I just make a horrible decision?