I feel like OCD is magnifying my latest mistakes that I didn't want to happen at all. A few days ago I was on instagram looking through my search feed and saw a family guy meme that I thought was funny, though I don't really like the show. I looked through the comments and saw a few profiles commenting similar things to each other and I thought it was silly in a good way. I clicked on one of them thinking they were a meme page but the first post I see that they had was CP... I had reported the post for what it was and left Instagram feeling disgusted that night. People that left comments didn't really see bothered by the fact that there was a drawing of a 14 year old fictional character with very detailed sexual body parts and I don't know why. I feel like it was my fault for even clicking on the page. I was expecting memes because if anything the comment looked pre made as if an Instagram bot would put it there to begin with. I just feel horrible for witnessing what I did and I feel like I'll never be able to positively move on from something so traumatic. The other mistake happened on youtube when one night I wanted to search for girls my age which was 18. On occasion ice done this on porn sites and on YouTube and it wasn't until that night where I got worried that the video showed girls that weren't of age because the comments kept debating about their age as a whole. I only searched for girls my age because something about them being my age having similar interests and I guess it felt more real to me. It's stupid, but I even apply this to my real life friends. I'm always happy to be friends with people my age, so I guess I wanted the same thing sexually. I hope that's not stupidly weird. OCD makes it so I wanted things like this to happen but I didn't at all. I haven't planned any of these things to happen, and I'm not attracted to children. I like girls my age and I like girls older than I am. It's been that way since puberty began for me from what I remember. I hate that OCD tries to alter that. I can't get this out of my head because I feel like I'm in trouble for it. I feel like I just ended all the good things I had with these mistakes happening. It makes me feel like I never wish I even knew about sexual feelings to begin with. There was another mistake that was intentional however which had to do with trying to sexually explore with other teens online when I was about 15. I didn't see a problem with it at all when i did it but even since I recalled that I did it back in June of this year I couldn't help but feel never ending guilt about it and my recent mistakes. I decided not to watch any more pornography with the help of an adult content blocker but it's still hard for me to stop on youtube. There's so much wrong with me.

Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p*dophilic activity and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... In an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... i stopped and blocked her after she told me the second time... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I keep getting this gut feeling in my stomach that i "flirted" with the younger one that I vented to, who i blocked after she told me twice she was uncomfortable about me venting about my 18+ hocd situations... i didnt ever vent to them for malicious intent... I was trying to get reassurance for my hocd... Plus my pocd keeps saying I cant have any opinions online because of my pocd and real events ocd situations and that Im not a good person so I cant say anything online... Also i keep getting intrusive thoughts of people labelling me as a P and a MAP in the future because of these pocd real events... And i keep getting intrusive thoughts of being outcasted and "cancelled" online when someone "exposes" me for my POCD and real events OCD...

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to do that but still did it anyway. I saw one boy naked from the front. I immediately closed the tab but then got another compulsion to look again to confirm what I saw. I searched again and looked on images this time seeing a toddler girl nude from the back. I closed the tab and got a compulsion to look at the first image again to confirm the approximate age of the boy in the first picture and this time saw a girl toddler nude from the front. Doing all of this I yelled at myself to stop and when I saw the last picture of the girl I started crying. I’m still in tears and I’m so scared. I have another urge to look at the source of that photo with the boy again to confirm he wasn’t getting sexually exploited in that image. It was from 1920 and he had a straight face so I’m worried I actually saw something really bad. These images weren’t sexualized I think but are they still considered CP? Did I just see illegal material? Either way I just looked at photos of nude children 3 separate times and now I hate myself more than I ever had before. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive right now. I’m a disgusting human being l don’t deserve to live what is wrong with me. I don’t care if this is ocd I gave into a really inappropriate compulsion and didn’t stop myself. I’m not afraid I’m going to harm children I know for a fact I would never do that but this is a step too far. How do I continue living with myself. I messaged my therapist for the first time and she said we can have a session tomorrow but I’m an absolute mess right now. I’m crying so hard I gave myself a headache and it’s getting hard to breathe correctly.