I feel like OCD is magnifying my latest mistakes that I didn't want to happen at all. A few days ago I was on instagram looking through my search feed and saw a family guy meme that I thought was funny, though I don't really like the show. I looked through the comments and saw a few profiles commenting similar things to each other and I thought it was silly in a good way. I clicked on one of them thinking they were a meme page but the first post I see that they had was CP... I had reported the post for what it was and left Instagram feeling disgusted that night. People that left comments didn't really see bothered by the fact that there was a drawing of a 14 year old fictional character with very detailed sexual body parts and I don't know why. I feel like it was my fault for even clicking on the page. I was expecting memes because if anything the comment looked pre made as if an Instagram bot would put it there to begin with. I just feel horrible for witnessing what I did and I feel like I'll never be able to positively move on from something so traumatic. The other mistake happened on youtube when one night I wanted to search for girls my age which was 18. On occasion ice done this on porn sites and on YouTube and it wasn't until that night where I got worried that the video showed girls that weren't of age because the comments kept debating about their age as a whole. I only searched for girls my age because something about them being my age having similar interests and I guess it felt more real to me. It's stupid, but I even apply this to my real life friends. I'm always happy to be friends with people my age, so I guess I wanted the same thing sexually. I hope that's not stupidly weird. OCD makes it so I wanted things like this to happen but I didn't at all. I haven't planned any of these things to happen, and I'm not attracted to children. I like girls my age and I like girls older than I am. It's been that way since puberty began for me from what I remember. I hate that OCD tries to alter that. I can't get this out of my head because I feel like I'm in trouble for it. I feel like I just ended all the good things I had with these mistakes happening. It makes me feel like I never wish I even knew about sexual feelings to begin with. There was another mistake that was intentional however which had to do with trying to sexually explore with other teens online when I was about 15. I didn't see a problem with it at all when i did it but even since I recalled that I did it back in June of this year I couldn't help but feel never ending guilt about it and my recent mistakes. I decided not to watch any more pornography with the help of an adult content blocker but it's still hard for me to stop on youtube. There's so much wrong with me.

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

I have this same situation replaying in my head. It has to do with porn so if your young just know this may be a little graphic. I tend to use Twitter for porn and the reason I do this is it’s a lot more direct I can type in what I want to see and it’s there I don’t have to go through unknown websites and hope not to get viruses, and to be a little more specific more amateur/ real sexual experiences come up on Twitter rather than porn pages with staged written scenes. So in my use of Twitter for this there’s been times when questionable material/ illegal material has come up and never did I save it knowing it was 100% illegal or even interact with it if I knew it was 100% illegal. I was 18 or 19 at the time of this and I started to fear that in these moments I would look at these illegal videos/ sketchy videos to long when they would pop up like for example I remember seeing a video that was 100% illegal content and I was so shocked and like confused that I looked at it for a moment and then left and then I went back to look at it again just to confirm that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing I also remember seeing videos that were in a 18+ section but sometimes the girls in the videos looked like they could be 15-17. As we all know 18 year olds can look anywhere from 15-17 or even younger these days so I would be cautious and use my context clues and what I knew when watching videos that I was suspicious about but had no proof of them being illegal aside from my thoughts and the person looking young. So with this and me worrying I got super scared and hyper aware of what I was watching and now I remember me going back on Twitter to look at content that I was intending to be 18+ but all I would think about is what if something illegal would come up what if I see it and I look for to long or what if I feel attracted and I like it. And I just remember going back to Twitter to look at legal porn but it felt like I was there so that something illegal could come up to see how I’d naturally react to it. Never did I go and type in key words or type in anything illegal in fact I remember times I would strictly put 18+ next to whatever I was searching so I could be sure everything was legal but sometimes it would feel like my hope and intention was that I would see something illegal so that I could feel that anxiety rush or just to see how I would react naturally to seeing it and I feel like this would count as me intentionally looking for it so now I feel disgusting and like I committed a crime. Sometimes I just feel like I was only looking at porn because I wanted to feel that anxiety of what if something bad comes up and how would I react. I know deep down I didn’t want to see illegal content and that I was probably just feeling that I wanted to check how id feel if it did come up but now I feel like I was intentionally looking and that my whole objective was for something questionable to come up so I can see how I react. Is this ocd or did I just make a horrible decision?

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.