I was sitting with my wonderful boyfriend, watching a Christmas movie. Everything was fine, nothing was bothering me. Then suddenly out of no where, I thought “I’ll never be happy with men, I find women attractive. I don’t find men attractive. I have to leave my boyfriend, and be with women because that will make me happy.” I felt this sort of “pain” in my chest, and my heart has been beating fact for about 40 minutes. I can’t calm down. Recently, my intrusive thoughts have been about my past p*rn use. I would watch lesbian porn, trans porn, and gay porn. My hocd latches on to the fact that I used to do that. I also masturbated to a picture of lesbians together, and women twerking. I don’t know why I did this, and I was about 11 when I started watching/masturbating to these things. I stopped watching it when I was 15. I’m afraid this means I’m a lesbian and in denial. Sometimes my relationship feels forced, because of all the thoughts I have. I didn’t even start feeling bad about my porn usage until this summer. My hocd started in August. I feel like a lesbian. I don’t want to be a lesbian. I want to have a husband and kids, and I loved boys when I was little. I had crushes and dreams and fantasies about them. Yet I still watched lesbian porn. Why???? I feel like I’m in denial. Like I’m masking my real self with hocd. Like I’m trying to get out of the closet and I’m “limiting” myself. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. I’m still young, but this is the person I want to be with. :( it feels forced because I constantly feel like I “don’t love him,” and that “we’re not meant to be.” I’m freaking out. I used to feel like this 24/7. It went away for a while, now it’s back. I used to always want to sleep, I never wanted to be awake. These thoughts were there 24/7. I don’t want it to go back to that. I don’t want to be in denial. Ugh :(

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

This is basically my story. And you know what? If you want to be with a man, be with a man. Screw ocd and do what you want even if ocd tries to ruin it. I want to be happy and in love with my husband and I’m going to do that.

brhtpurple

Date posted: 4y

Really? What’s your story?

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@brhtpurple Basically the porn at a young age despite always loving men and because of that I feel like my love for my husband can’t be real. It makes me scared of sex and has ruined my confidence in my relationship.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@wellwellwell I made a recent post that explains it more if you want to read it

ttttoorrriii

Date posted: 4y

100% relate to this

brhtpurple

Date posted: 4y

What’s your story? yeah it sucks

Sav015

Date posted: 4y

I’ve heard a lot of straight women talk about watching lesbian porn bc it depicts female pleasure in a more accurate way/the focus will always be on a woman.

Iwashere2

Date posted: 4y

Its like you're reading my mind. Im bi, so Ivr never had an issue fantasizing about women before but now its saying im actually gay and dont love my bf.

brhtpurple

Date posted: 4y

I’m not bi, and I never thought I would identify as bisexual. Recently I’ve felt like I “have to” because of the porn and stuff I used to watch. There’s nothing wrong with being bi, it’s just something I don’t see myself as. I’m hoping it just hocd, but I don’t know. I’m undiagnosed.

zbrose

Date posted: 4y

I have the same thing. A couple weeks ago I was having a terrible week of compulsions and saw a therapist that diagnosed me with OCD. I’ve felt 100x better knowing it’s that but I still do doubt it of course, it being the doubting disorder. I used to watch all types of porn as a kid and some have stayed with me when I’m feeling “in the mood”. My OCD latched onto that but I truly believe that porn is the worst indicator of your sexual preferences and that people go through different phases and fetishes all the time within porn that they would never do in real life. It’s so unrealistic especially in this age where things are constantly being ramped up for excitement. My therapist told me that it’s completely normal for people to be sexually experimental as kids and that doesn’t mean one thing or the other. I also struggled with thinking I was in denial but that’s another OCD trick. What worked for me was trying not to do anything and just feel super anxious without trying to relieve the pain with checking pictures or porn or arousal level or anything. It’s very hard but the anxiety always passes and I feel so much more confident afterword. I hope this helps!

Iwashere2

Date posted: 4y

Thats some really good advice!

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