I left my partner 3 days ago please help me feel better he’s DEVASTATED and ringing constantly but it was toxic and he didn’t realise he was still emotionally abusing me despite cutting alcohol consumption down (he’s an alcoholic) I feel relieved and sad because what do I do now? I was with him all the time, now what? My ocd isn’t helping either I’m like “OMG what if he gets better and treats a new girl like gold ALL of the time not just in cycles? Why couldn’t he for me?”

Broke up with my boyfriend today and feel like crap. we love each other dearly but I hurt him about six months ago. An of and on friend of mine was someone who knew me very well, we had quite the history, and still remained friends after all that. My boyfriend thought he was in love with him and I loved him. I didn’t believe it and I still ended talking to him. Deep down, all I wanted was the truth my friend was hiding for me for two years. He said he went to UT but actually was going to the community college instead??? He lied about a lot of things he said to me and everyone told me what they thought, but even with that I wanted empirical data. This obsession broke my boyfriends heart. I got passed the problem and block my friend after he stalked my boyfriend and I behind my car in a bmw. My boyfriend never got over it though. Last night my boyfriend said he wanted a break, he said we were drifting apart, which was utter bs reason. So, after my classes were over he met me in my car. I told him I couldn’t do a break, you either have me, or you don’t. So I broke up with him. He explained how he’s been heartbroken over my friends and I situation together for the last six months and has been suppressing his pain. The guilt that hit me was shitty. I feel like a shitty person. Although I didn’t ever cheat, it feels like I did bc I crossed a line. All I wanted was the truth and I allowed my ocd to decide the faith of my relationship. We were crying in my car together for an hour while hugging and talking. I think we left of good terms since we do deeply love each other although he couldn’t get over that. That’s what is killing me. How much I hurt him and I feel so selfish for not seeing it and I can’t stop crying. My ocd is telling me how shitty of a person I am. Ugh this rant helped lol.

It’s been seven weeks since I ended a very codependent , toxic relationship with a guy . He had good qualities about him, but for some reason I am forgetting his bad qualities. I need to feel the anger and have more self -love. I take ownership with my role in the relationship. We both became mean to each other but to my defense, I honestly feel my meaness was a reaction to his controlling, possessive behavior . We work together and he would be paranoid every time I went to the bathroom . He always thought I was meeting someone in the bathroom . A part of me knows he was crazy , but for some reason I am miserable . He was an alcoholic and I helped him get sober . He even said I was the only person that really tried to get him sober . ever since March , he got more angry and mean . I have not seen him for 7 months since Covid is letting us work from home. He became more paranoid and restless and started to make fun of my OCD. I lost my cat in April and of course it caused my OCD to flare up . He was so impatient and would mock me and told me I needed mental help . It’s been seven weeks since I spoke to him and I hate myself bc I’m not happy . Instead I have compulsions to check his social media . Wtf is wrong with me . Maybe I need someone to virtually slap me and say he was no good . I hate myself for feeling guilty instead of feeling free.

So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?