Long update. I can’t BELIEVE that after I was SO terrified of catching STDs from toilets etc and it resulting in a potential, breakup - I *CHOSE* to leave him myself!! 🤦🏼‍♀️ In hindsight, I’m pretty sure he was always manipulative, and I just didn’t see it in the beginning. I was naive and wanted SO desperately to be loved, and have the real thing. I really thought he was a unicorn. I think it was love bombing, and subtle manipulative behaviour in the beginning. Whisking me away on holidays, dinners, gifts, surprises, talking deep about trauma etc. He was also hinting at stopping seeing me before we got attached “because his mental ex in the picture wasn’t fair on me” without EVER leaving me, combined with my abandonment fears from past relationships, and ALSO, physical symptoms (BV, thrush etc) that caused a recipe for disaster. I kept panicking “what if I catch an std from a toilet, he thinks I cheated and leaves me”. I kept getting into complete states, getting repeatedly tested, phoning sexual health helplines, asking friends and family and googling obsessively to check I was safe from abandonment. Anyway. During lockdown, it turned extremely outwardly emotionally and verbally abusive. He was hiding litres of spirits and drinking them neat “secretly”. He was becoming an alcoholic (before that even, I think) but talked the talk during good cycles and rinse and repeat. I couldn’t keep up with his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. I was very confused and concerned about him. He was drinking a litre of vodka a day and I believed he’d didn’t REALLY think I’m a “fucking slut, c*nt, bitch, whore, depressing” etc. He would buy gifts to say sorry, he was mortified! Then, do something else shitty again, then when I demanded another apology says “if you can’t accept my apology you can’t accept gifts. I’m sending them back”. I had to do all cooking cleaning shopping and made him counselling appointments, took him to the doctor while I worked a full time job at home too. His ex claimed he said he still loved her, but she’s also EXTREMELY toxic, so I have to try to ignore that. Claims he had secrets with her too. (She’s shown up unannounced at the house, threatened to brick his windows etc.) they still work together and own a business together but she’s having an affair with a married man. They text each other platonically s lot, but he would refuse to show me full messages and text threads and when I’d snatch the phone from him to look myself, he would go bananas. One time, he chased me in front of my mother and got rough trying to get the phone back from me. He claims he deleted messages to stop it from putting ideas in my head as he knows I hate her, but he’s the one who encouraged me to hate her when we met? He would claim they only speaks about work and dogs they share but it was other stuff too. He also messaged a girl from years ago he met on holiday and implied IM childish because it was on Instagram, and that meant I was somehow childish? Because I use Instagram too? He told me he deleted his account then it reappeared. He also wanted me to move in with him - but leave my cats at my mothers house, when he continued to co parent fucking DOGS with his ex. He can’t see how unfair this is. He even said once we could compromise and move the cars there, but if his ex goes on holiday, my cats have to go back to my mothers for as long as she’s on a holiday, so “their” dogs can stay with us. I started to say I feel second priority and he swears I am not. I kept turning a blind eye so not to be “over sensitive and petty”. He says his behaviour and comments are all drink, not the real him. And I shouldn’t blast him because he understands MY OCD and that apparently has a profound effect on HIM- therefore i need to understand him. He would argue irrationally at me for hours and have me in tears not listening to my concerns and tell me to stop cuz he wants a quiet life. He also would tell me “if we split, you do realise you’ll ONLY end up with a man tied to HIS crazy ex and 5 kids, right?” He’s 40. I’m 27! 🤦🏼‍♀️ He implied I had no options, am running out of time, all men are the same etc. I’m getting old, cuz I’m “nearly 30” and implied I hadn’t achieved as much as him. He’d make “jokes” about my “stubby fingers” (I’m slim!) , say I’m about to get “grey pubes” and call me sensitive and say it was affectionate banter between partners. He said certain thing only I would be upset by which I learned is called “dog whistling”. He implied I was “only there for the good times” like it’s a bad thing? He tried to triangulate my mother and I, his sister and I, my friend and I and obviously I DO already dislike his ex. He said “your mother said you were always an angry person” and got offended when I called him out for his lies. Said his sister told him “he could leave me and find someone else like THAT!” And said my friend said things she didn’t say too. He hid objects from me when I looked for them and I found them in really stupid places unexpectedly. He would deny deny deny it all. I had to voice record most interactions and he had aggressive tendencies although he never hit me. He pressed his nose to mine twice and screamed in my face, he’s thrown glass at a wall in a drunken rage before and repeatedly told me to “get the fuck out of my fucking house” and vehemently deny it even happened. When I did leave for a break, he would tell people I CHOSE to and I don’t let him I how where HE stands with me! He’s driven ANGRILY fast when I challenge him, scaring me a lot. Locked me out the house twice and blamed me. He also stole photos of mine and blamed it on me (sexy photos from a past relationship I didn’t know I had.) He snooped my iPad after guessing my passcode, went to a 6 year old text thread with my ex, downloaded them sent them to his iPad and baited an argument with me. Then took the moral high ground like “oh gosh how did that happen? You must have logged in with iCloud I’m so confused god let me delete them it’s uncomfortable it wasn’t ever meant for my eyes”. I left last week. After about 3 hours arguing over him drinking lying and manipulating, me crying him shouting and me banging my head on a wardrobe, I left. He followed me the next day came to my flat to talk. I said it isn’t working I can’t do it I’m sorry. He cried and pleaded for 3 hours. Then, he accidentally showed me a text he sent to HIS EX and wouldn’t show me the other messages. Same scenario. I snatched the phone, he got aggressive and overpowered me to retrieve it. Makes it seem really shifty. He got in my face said “I’ll hold my fucking phone THANK YOU” so I said fine get out I assume you’re cheating then 🤷🏼‍♀️ so he shoved the phone into my chest hard, said “FINE HAVE THE FUCKIBG PHONE” so I kicked him out for his a. Texting his ex and b. Aggressive BS. He stayed outside my place for 4 hours ringing my doorbell and phone.100 times. Phoned my mother and added my friend on instagram. I maintain the split. I am finally at peace! But he’s contacting my mother saying it can be fixed he wants couples counselling etc and I’m like nope 👎🏻 Sorry I don’t know why I’m posting. I need support I think, even if I do feel better 💕 I’m back at my flat (thank god I didn’t give it up) and I’ll get my kitties back soon!