Just ranting because I need to get it out but it definitely could be a trigger for some so I’m marking it just in case❤️ So I have yet to be professionally diagnosed with OCD (covid makes it difficult to see someone to help, but the appointment has been made and is coming up)... and this very well could not be OCD... but after falling down a rabbithole of googling and searching trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me, I’ve come to the realization that I seem to relate heavily to SOOCD and ROCD. I’ve been diagnosed with GAD by my GP but it is so so much more than that. I moved out of my parents house a few months ago to go to school and start my own life. After a few weeks I felt like I didn’t have any control over anything that was happening and just couldn’t shake the anxiety and was obsessing over the fact that I didn’t have control over things I felt were important. This constant anxiety took a sharp left turn to attack both my sexuality and my (extremely healthy) relationship. I had a very very vivid intrusive thought about cheating on my boyfriend with a girl I was supposed to hang out with later that day. As you can imagine, that sent me spiraling. Trying to analyze and figure out what that thought meant just overtook my life. I’ve never questioned my sexuality before, always considered myself straight.... but that changed everything. That one thought now constantly plays in my mind and starts to try to connect itself to others.... which makes me constantly fear I’m actually gay and not the person I thought I was. Now it’s gotten to the point where I analyze the way I dress because I’m not “feminine” enough or because I do or like things that people have stereotyped with others being gay/bisexual. It’s even gone as far to attack my relationship with my best friend and thinking that I see her as more than that when I never have. Then I get triggered by words like “gay” or “lesbian” or anything that relates. I even get worried that my own family sees something in me that I have just been seemingly ignoring my entire life:( just writing this and seeing it out of my mind makes me so anxious. As you can imagine, this goes hand-in-hand when dealing with (what I believe is) ROCD. I love my boyfriend, I know that I do. We’ve been together for almost a year now and I know that in the part of my brain that is still me, I want a future with him by my side. But having these constant fears about my sexuality, I then started to doubt my relationship with him. I feel like I’m leading him on by telling him I do love him... and even doubting the fact that I ever loved him in the first place :( I hate questioning everything I thought I knew. Because now I can hardly recognize what thoughts are real and what aren’t. Feeling so guilty about having these constant thoughts that I feel like I have to confess all of them to him... which I’ve done multiple times but it doesn’t help much. (Thankfully he is amazing and isn’t willing to give up on me because he knows I’m really struggling with my mental health) I can’t even tell if I’m actually attracted to him anymore or not and that kills me because I know exactly what I want. He’s not someone I’m willing to lose:( These thoughts run CONSTANTLY in my brain and it’s genuinely ruining my life. I feel like I can’t do anything without obsessing and searching for answers and reassuring myself that they’re not my real thoughts. That I’m safe and that I do know who I am. My body and mind are so tired from the anxiety, I can’t get these thoughts to go away even when I try to sleep, and I feel like I’m pushing everyone away because I can’t tell who I am anymore. What scares me more than anything is that the therapists and doctors aren’t going to find anything wrong which is going to prove those thoughts right... or treatment/help isn’t doing to do anything and these thoughts are true. I just want to be back to the person I know that I am. Now I’m not searching for the reassurance because I know (If it really is what I think it is) it’s not helpful, but I definitely needed to get all of that out and off my chest since it feels like it’s eating me up inside... I don’t know where else to do that so... here we are😅 even if you don’t believe this to be OCD, any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you, if you did read thus far... that’s definitely not everything thats going on/that has happened, but it’s as much as my brain can handle spitting out. So sorry for rambling