A serious T/W I'm having a hard day and I don't think I will ever go through with this. Heading into the new year, I'm not happy. I've made a decision to ****** ****** at the end of the month of January. I'm a bit scared to explicitly say it, that's why I censored it. Pure Ocd/Real event have been taking a serious toll on me this year. I seriously don't know what to do. It's sad because there was many things I want to accomplish in life, such as graduating University, having the dream career I've always wanted as a child, and falling in love and started a family. I can't continue and I am ashamed of myself. Its difficult to wake up every day and there was a period where I developed insomnia and I couldn't eat well. The best option for me is to not be here anymore.

Tw: suicide but please help if you can . . . . . . Today I was accidentally exposed to something waaaaay too high up my hierarchy and I cant handle it. I'm at the point of planning suicide. I've come up with a new plan and I really feel like it would spare me the pain of ocd and my fear playing out. I was already on a crisis line today but cant share the urge to hurt myself. The crisis worker tried to help me but I honestly felt like I was just wasting their time and they could have been helping someone else so I said I was fine and got off the line. I'm not, I cant stop this overwhelming urge. I know we are supposed to sit with discomfort but this one is a lot. I keep imagining different ways to hurt myself and I'm itching to do them.

TW rant: suicidal OCD So this has been my major theme for the past year since my onset started. For clarification: I just have suicidal OCD, I’m not actually suicidal Incase there’s confusion about that. Anyways, I am so SICK of hearing about the topic of suicide which seems to be everywhere. You hear a story on the news that some celebrity did it, or other stories that people they knew did it or they themselves attempted it. You hear that people with mental illnesses or those who went through trauma or just being a middle aged white man have higher risks of suicide. On my explore page on Instagram, thanks to the OCD support pages I follow, I get suggested posts about other mental health related things and there’s usually posts about “signs of suicidal people” or whatnot. I’m soooo sick of it. Having suicidal OCD has been extremely hard and scary to have. It seems like anything is a trigger and the unwanted thoughts of it keep popping up (as OCD normally does). A lot of the time it’s aimed toward myself, but a big chunk of it is aimed toward my loved ones, like what if they decided to commit suicide? If I haven’t seen a family member in a little while (they’re chilling in their room or whatever) I get scared they might have killed themselves so I feel the compulsion to check on them, ask if they’re okay and happy etc. But it’s mostly at myself and I hate it so much. I think overall, whether this attack is aimed toward myself or others, it just absolutely terrifies me that anyone could just decided to do it and then just do it? It’s not like fearing a murderer coming to your house or an outside threat, but you’re the threat! And you can’t seem to protect your loved ones from it! I get these fears that I’ll become depressed (I’m not depressed) and eventually desire it or that I’ll spiral from fear and pain and eventually desire it, or that it’ll be like the movie Bird Box where the people in it (after seeing the monster) seemed to go on autopilot and killed themselves. I can’t even see words like “committed” or “attempted” without having my stomach jump. I struggle to get things out of my closet since having an open closet is even a trigger for fear. I just wish suicide never existed, I wish it wasn’t a thing, I wish I’d never think about it, I wish i could move on from this intense fear. (Disclaimer: I’m doing ERP for this and compared to before have been progress, but on my spike days it’s just so frustrating) Thanks for listening 😩

I can't anymore. I feel like life's all about pain. Ecery though there are happy moments, but when sadness take over them i just can't. It's not getting any easier. I'm sick of being yhis way and crying every single day. I told my family that i feel anxious so i want to go to s therapist. I didn't tell them about ocd. Even over this small thing my mum keeps rechecking on me. I'm not liking it. It's keeping me from telling them that i really want to go. My mum keeps asking if i want to go but they won't take me to see therapist. I don't want to live like this. Feelsike I'm not at all living my own life. I don't want to live