I'm fairly positive reading what people are going through that I definitely have OCD themes... My therapist that I'm seeing now is a drug and alcohol counselor and is targeting my use of Marijuana as a self help tool and I now want to not be smoking because it makes me uncomfortable... now... it used to help? I don't know really... It was the only session I could get in short notice? Not good at this whole 'adult life' thing.. For some background information I started a new job back in August due to needing to get myself out of an uncomfortable situation where I was staying while going to college, I honestly became complacent in my comfort there until I was snapped at and told " remember your staying here for free" You told me that I was okay to do so? Anyway, moving forward I stayed with another friends family ( I've been at risk of homeless since I was 16 and diagnosed with Chronic Depression at 15) ((now 25)) this all was happening around a year ago.. I got a job! SUCCESS! Or I thought so? I was doing really well until I got comfortable again... then I started opening my mouth about what I didn't appreciate... you don't do that at work... but I did... knowingly too... like I wanted to test my limits? Their limits of me? They wanted to push me harder than everyone else... everyone else got breaks when I was the one working the hardest... I worked nights, wasn't getting decent sleep, I wasn't eating much, and I dropped from 210 lbs in June to now under 160... my healthy weight is 180... I started hallucinating voices from work while I was at home... I started to just sit in my car for hours after I got back home... I even caught myself looking at things I really shouldn't be in a public setting... and I'm sure I'm not the only one that has noticed... I live in an apartment complex... ( my first apartment) ((also my first bedroom I felt was somewhat actually mine in a long... long time...)) so now I'm paranoid that people see me looking around at other people and are seeing me looking at these things ( not even X rated) on my phone and I've even caught myself with my hand in my pants... (( suicidegirls Instagram page)) Also paranoid that before I got my blanket up across my window that the neighbors saw me doing things while checking to see if anyone was coming home... (no lock on the bedroom door..) They have kids, and if I remember correctly they definitely saw and were quite upset at me being close to my window 🙃 (yay POCD trigger) There are people of all kinds in my apartments so my POCD themes definitely have kicked in full swing now... If I look at a kid there is only a few things that go through my head ( who is watching this kid (( if they're alone or in a group of kids)) man I wish I could be a kid again... and does anyone know how susceptible kids are to damage without anyone meaning to hurt them?) I don't know if these things are normal... I don't think of kids as something I want sexually but I was active sexually as a kid and I see that potential in kids when I see them) Now I'm paranoid to even leave my house and have full blown anxiety attacks going into work aswell because I feel like I have a target on my back... I don't know why I have to do these things to myself... why can't I just be a normal person and live a normal life... Now I'm terrified that my situation is going to put me back into a homeless situation again and I just got into my first apartment... I have been as honest about what's going on with everyone that I can be... but it seems like people either don't believe what I'm saying or?... I don't know really... I feel like I'm under investigation and my fears of becoming like my parents ( manic depressive bipolar /skitzophrenic) is causing me even more stress and antagonizing my situation... Again, adulting is hard, insurance was difficult being in a job that hasn't fully hired you on yet? And you didn't get on blue cross because they're changing their insurance system? And now they've put you back on the state insurance you were on? But you can't be working and be on that insurance? I'm so tired of jumping through their hoops... I create enough of my own... So through that my suicidal thoughts came back... (yay depression 🙃) but then I was just trying to use the system right? Ya, because that's not something I've avoided my whole life in fear of what I'm running from... ( my mental health potentials ) But suicide isn't the answer, no, you have people that care about you... well yeah I don't want them to be upset... so I guess I'll just keep going? Where though? No clue... but hopefully I don't lose my apartment and my job in the mean time... :/ Not sure where I'm going with this post and in life in general... I have another appointment with my 'therapist' on the 5th and a psychiatrist on the 8th... but my 'therapist' is "conservative against diagnosis" and doesn't want to listen to my symptoms because I looked them up? And wants me to focus on organizing myself more? LMAO if only I could 🤣 They have no clue... but what is one lost in the system they wanted to avoid (but are now apparently using because it benefits them?) Going to do? Who knows, find out on the next episode of, where's this fucked up life turning next?