Hi! My name is Judy I'm 18 year old, but I've been struggling with ocd for a long time. My first symptoms appeared at the age of 5. I was scared to eat anything, or swallow my saliva because I was scared that I touched somethimg poisonous and I will die. Thanks to God, after that episode I had a peaceful time until I became 11. Then, there was a boy in my old school, who was 4 years older than me, and did some inappropiate things to me. He touched my ass or my breasts while I didn't want it. Once, he forced me to touch his penis (through pants), and that's when everything bad started. After that I started to wash my hands, because I felt that I am no more pure and I might be pregnant if I don't wash my hands. Sometimes this intrusive thought comes back, and it still haunts me. My hands are so bruised and dry that I have to heal it with hand creams every day. I avoided the number 4, because that was the age difference between me and this boy, and I also avoided the number 6 because that's the age difference between me and my brother, and I was scared of intrusive thoughts about incest. When I was 15, I've met my ex boyfriend. I really liked him, but there was this thoughts, that I didn't really love him, and instead of him, I'm attracted to my boy best friend, when I clearly wasn't and I didn't want it. It got worse when my ex boyfriend broke up with me because he liked another girl. I didn't eat, I just slept all day, because that was the only time when I didn't get intrusive thoughts. I didn't want to die, but neither wanted to live. My family and friends thought this was because of heartbreak, but no, this was my intrusive thought, that did that to me. That was in may, and by the time it got better, but in July there was a camp, where I looked after little kids, and the thought came: "What if I'm attracted to them?" It was horrifying, and I tried to doubt this thoughts, and avoid the kids, but before the thoughts came, I'd become really good friends with them, so it was hard to avoid them. Strangely, the thoughts became less intrusive and rare, when I played with them, and my best friend started to talk about things like boys. Then, I had intrusive thoughts sometimes, but I can say, I had a really peaceful time for 1 and a half year. Things got worse in June, 2020. I started to have all the intrusive thought and all the compulsions I had before in my life. First the hand washing with the fear of becoming pregnant, than I started to fear that somehow I am attracted to dogs when I heard a story like that. I had sexual orientation OCD also. When I was on the bus, I accidentally touched the side of the girl who sat next to me, and I feared that she took it as a sexual assault, although I said sorry, and she said it was fine. Now I've been at home for 2 months, I have zero motivation, some of my friends betrayed me, and pocd came back. Now I am not scared that I will abuse a child, but I have intrusive thoughts that I am attracted to them, and sometimes when I have strong compulsions there is groinal response with the strong intrusive thoughts, and it just kills me. I can't look at a child, because I fear the thoughts will came with it. I hate myself, I don't think I deserve to live, I don't think I deserve all the scholarships and love that I get with my short stories and with my botany and chemistry studies. It's hard, because I'm a literature and enviroment activist, I have to do so much things, but I can't because I think I don't deserve it. The worst feeling is that I feel sorry for my parents and my friends because they love a person like me. They are the only cause I want to find a solution to get better, because I know they couldn't bear if I was dead. I don't want to disappoint them either. I told everything some of my friends, and they said, if the thoughts were true, it still wouldn't matter, because I would never act upon them, and I do so many good things. But somehow it isn't enough for me, I want to be totally normal and healthy. I want to have kids in the future and want to help other kids who have difficulties in life without these intrusive thoughts, without the fear that I will hurt anyone the way that boy hurt me when I was 11. Sometimes I think some of these things aren't really ocd and I just doubt these things because I want to reduce my anxiety, and I don't want to think that I am a bad person, and I don't want others to think I am a bad person. I also feel guilt when I don't try to doubt my thoughts and I actually have a good time without them. I tried to tell my mother about that, but she didn't really understand it. She said everybody have their own intrusive thoughts and obsessions and for that I don't need a therapist, because I'm just insecure because of the hormones and the uncertainity of teenage life. I don't really blame her. My mother is a really good person, but she struggled worse things in her teenage years, and there were no therapist in that era in our country. She has ocd too, but she learned to manage it by herself, and that's why she thinks that way. Also, there isn't an ocd specialist where we live. I know, that everything I fear probably isn't true and it's my ocd. If I'm so scared of these thoughts, then maybe it shows the things that are important to me, and the things I don't want to happen in life. I started to work with an ocd workbook, which is an ERP-CBT self help book, and I started to meditate. I also write self-love journal, and drink St.John's wort tea, because I know maybe they will help me to feel less worthless. I don't know how well will it work, but it's better then nothing until I find an ocd specialist in my area. Now I don't have much hope, but when I can clear my mind, I believe for a moment that everything will be fine with time, everything will fade away once, even the intrusive toughts will fade away, because that's the circle of life. I hope it will get better when I return to school in february. What do you think? Is everything I experienced really just ocd? Is it possible that the intrusive thoughts came back to my life because of the pandemic and loneliness? Will it get better when I'll have tasks and works I had to do? Will it ever go away if I believe, with time, I can make a difference in my mind? Thank you, that you read my story, even if it was long. It really gives me hope that I'm not alone, there are people, who struggles with the same things as me (even if sometimes I fear this is not ocd). Take care, and good luck!