TW TW TW: SOOCD/HOCD/TOCD Hi. I'm really scared to write this rn but idk what to do. When I first had intrusive thoughts about "I'm gay" it made me so anxious, but then I tried to reason with them because I was like I mean ok it could make sense that I'm bi maybe? And I would check and check and it seemed like I liked girls and I actually really thought I did and that I was enjoying it and bam there was nothing for boys anymore. This really stressed me out. I avoided watching any movies/shows that triggered me specifically I remember I couldn't watch Hustlers for more than 5 min nor could I watch Magic Mike. I was constantly stalking people on IG that had come out after being straight all their life trying to find clues or comparisons. I ended up having to delete all social media because it became a huge trigger for me. This all was over the summertime. Then my boyfriend came home (he lives in cali and I am on the east coast) and everything was great and the thoughts weren't *as* present but I still feared this meant something about us and from time to time intrusive thoughts would pop up when I was with him. Fast forward a couple months; I was with my friends and there was a tweet that said "if you're bi why is your phone case clear" and a couple of my friends that were in the car are bi and they were laughing and were like "wait you have a clear phone case too right?" I didn't realize how bad this triggered me until I was up all night distressed about why she thought I was bi when I've never told her that, then the next day I felt like I HAD to tell my boyfriend. It was this urge I just needed to get it out I couldn't hold it in any longer. I felt so guilty and just so confused I didn't know what was happening to me anymore. I called him and I told him I thought I was bi, he said he loved me and always will and obviously won't leave, but he was really confused! And when he said that, I was like me too I'm just as confused as you. I was expecting some sort of huge relief but I got none and still was just questioning everything. Then I was hit with TOCD around thanksgiving and the experience with that was a lot different than mine with HOCD. It seemed to be a lot more intense; the intrusive thoughts about that were there 24/7. And during this time all I could think was "why can't the thoughts about being lesbian come back" !! My brain tried to twist and turn everything "you thought you were lesbian at first because you were trying to cover up the fact that you are a straight man" and at the time... it felt so real that it almost made sense. I guess in my anxious state I try and reason with anything to just try and make it make sense. Before the TOCD, I hadn't googled or researched anything because I was too scared the results were going to come up saying I was my biggest fear. So I steered clear and tried to just "figure it out" (lol obviously a huge mistake, wish I would've known about this sooner). & once I googled intrusive thoughts; I saw everything I had been experiencing and finally felt some relief (but not really). Anyways, I'm now struggling again because I'm worried because I thought I liked it at first means it was true. Everyone's experiences are filled with disgust or an immediate sense that somethings terribly wrong and mine wasn't like that. I feel like it's all muddled because In the past I had been like, "yeah, I think I would hook up with a girl one day!" so those thoughts actually felt like they could be real. Idk. I realize I probably just sound like I'm in denial 😞I feel like I'm desperately trying to connect my HOCD w TOCD when they could be separate. One could be OCD and one could be real. Sometimes I feel like this person my brain has created would enjoy things, but if I were to step back into reality as my old real self, I would never do these things I have my appointment w a psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not looking for reassurance, I just wanted to get this out because I have been stressing out. Could this also be a compulsion? Lol I feel like I can't do anything right. If you're still reading, thank you & happy New Year's Eve <3