It feels like there’s so much evidence for me being a lesbian. Like.. actual evidence. I once watched an anime (Hibike Euphonium) that ended up having like implied lesbian attraction between the main character and a side and I didn’t know that going in but when I found out I was really intrigued? I finished watching the show and did have some ‘feels’ over the relationship but it felt the same as like me shipping anything else and I didn’t really project myself onto them but the fact that I was interested enough in them to finish watching the show makes me feel like I’m a lesbian?? I’ve never really felt like same sex attraction applied to me, I couldn’t relate to the experience but why would I get ‘feels’ if I didn’t want that for myself?

Geez, I seem to just be getting worse. I keep thinking what if I’ve been lesbian all my life but never payed attention to it. I mean it feels right to be with a man and have a boyfriend I want that. But why do I keep doubting it I just want this to end. I’ve never been a girly girly. I like cute clothes but I hate how it looks on me I feel so insecure. Same with make up. And I keep thinking maybe that’s evidence I could be lesbian. This all sounds ridiculous but why can’t I just accept the fact that I’m straight. I actually like being with boys and kissing them. I get aroused when I kiss them. So why is this happening?

I feel like a lesbian. I feel bisexual. I feel like that’s what I want. It feels like I like the thoughts. I feel like I have to leave my boyfriend. I don’t want to lose him, but it feels like I need to leave him. I feel sick. I feel like I’m hiding it from myself and using ocd as a coverup. I don’t want to be one of those woman who find out they’re lesbians later than life. I’m afraid of being one of those woman who convince themselves they can be into men when they can’t. What if that’s me? What if I never enjoy sex with my boyfriend? I don’t enjoy it now, because every time I try to enjoy I get thoughts like, “you want him to be a woman. You’re not attracted to him. You’re not attracted to men. You need to leave him for a woman. You would enjoy sex with a woman.” I don’t want that to be true, but it feels like it secretly is. Am I denying my true sexuality? Is me thinking I have ocd just a coverup?? There’s a lot of proof for me being a lesbian that constantly haunts me. For example, I used to watch lesbian porn. But the thing that really bothers me is that I (TMI) masturbated to a picture of two cartoon characters as lesbians, videos of woman twerking, and music videos of woman. I don’t know why I did those things. It makes me feel like I would like having sex with a woman, because I liked seeing their bodies in porn and masturbated to it. I want to be with my boyfriend. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to lead him on. But I can’t be happy around him, because sometimes he will cause these thoughts and memories to arise. I keep seeing lesbians on tik tok and i feel like I want to be with them. I keep thing about my boyfriend and marrying him, then I get the thought, “you don’t want to be with him, you want a wife when you’re older.” I also don’t want to be homophobic. I’m afraid of that. I’m supportive of the lgbtq community, but it doesn’t feel natural for me. The thought of ME specifically being lesbian or bi doesn’t make sense to me. Or at least didn’t. Now I feel like I want it :(

TW: EXPLICIT CONTENT TOWARDS END I can’t stop crying because it feels like I’m truly a lesbian. I read the stupid comp het doc which was obviously something I shouldn’t have done but I gave in. Relationships when I was younger were never a big thing for me because well I was still too young. So when I had crushes it was always more about the fuzzy feeling and just wanting to be close to my guy crushes or thinking about their touch. When I had my first silly 8th grade boyfriend I remember always being scared to hold his hand and kiss him and hug him because I felt self-conscious of myself and everyone watching but I still did enjoy it. Looking back I feel like I might’ve just liked my him because he liked me but I thought that was normal for middle school things, except the first thing happened my freshman year of high school as well with my toxic ex. It wasn’t love and I hate remembering about him because it really was just something dumb and obsessive but when I did like him I did enjoy being held but now I wonder if it was just the attention I liked. I’m now in a relationship with my boyfriend of over a year and I’m terrified that I’m not actually in love with him and only his attention but that just doesn’t feel right because we have such a strong bond. He was a natural flirt so that definitely caught my attention but it was more than that, he just seemed like such an amazing person to me and that has not changed since we started dating. I used to have major rocd over whether or not I actually loved him but I got past that theme but now it might be back. I love him so much, he’s been there through everything and I know I could be happy without him so it’s not like I’m dependent on him, but I choose to be happy with him because he brings me that warm feeling inside my heart. When I’m with him I feel safe and I want to have a genuine future with him. It also doesn’t help that my family is homophobic, my grandma condemns it and I tried explaining to her but she just told me that even if I was I didn’t have to “act on it” which made me break into tears. Not because I am lesbian, but because it would hurt so much to know she wouldn’t support me if I was. Another thing that worries me is that maybe I don’t like intimacy enough with him, but the truth is he’s the first person I’ve been so intimate with and well we’re both still virgins so we haven’t been able to fully explore. Truth be told I didn’t always like giving oral but I thought it was because porn set me into that mind-frame that intimacy was all about the woman being used. The first time we did things was very exciting and fun for me!But I was also very nervous and scared and well my anxiety doesn’t help but there have been times where I do enjoy giving oral, what I don’t like is when it’s all we can do and I also have a terrible habit of comparing myself to other girls and wanting to be perfect at it. I never thought it meant I was a lesbian. I love my partner and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else or be intimate with anyone else. I still don’t like the idea of being with a girl like that, I have never even fantasized about it before and well it just doesn’t feel like me but now my brain is telling me that it is me, that it’s always been me and all the things I used to perceive as normal actually mean I’m lesbian and I hate it. Someone please give me advice to fight this and how to recover from such a major compulsion , I haven’t ruminated like this in so so long and it feels like I failed myself or like I’m giving in to something I just don’t want.