some thoughts today: the reason my hocd started was because of an intrusive thought during masturbation about this girl i thought i liked at the time and i freaked out and then from there had the thought “what if i’m lesbian” and that’s how it started. but now i’m worried i actually did like her because i thought i did before i began to obsess over my sexuality but i kind of just pushed that thought away and forgot about it. but my question i’m asking myself is why did i attach myself so strongly to her? this has happened before and now i realize that it might be part of my bpd. in fact i know it is. people with bpd we attach ourselves to anyone we think won’t abandon us or otherwise people who have gone through the same thing (trauma). i’m convinced i did like her but why was i so relieved after i stopped obsessing over her? like i’m just not sure. i’m worried i’m just in denial about why this all started. i am also aware that when i attach myself to one person sometimes i just THINK i like the person but in reality i just need protection and support from emotional pain. maybe actual attraction and obsession aren’t directly related to each other with someone with borderline personality disorder.

aurokoi

Date posted: 4y

I’m in the same boat. I don’t have much advice other than do ERP. Our minds are complicated things, and don’t make sense. I was going through a major traumatic event and i latched onto my best friend too because I couldn’t get physical affection like hugs from anyone else, esp not men bc that’s where my trauma was centred, and it felt nice so I kept doing it. Nothing ever sexual or kissing or anything, more so just body contact that grounded and comforted me, and helped me feel safe. My brain likes to see this as ‘proof’. Something that’s helped me is sort of disengage myself from societal expectations of what is considered ‘romantic’. I don’t see cuddling between friends romantic at all, and I know some will fight on this but sometimes we just need contact and that’s okay. It doesn’t have to be deep, and I never thought it was until this obsession hit. It hurts me to think about too, but we can do this. ERP is definitely the way to go.

holley

Date posted: 4y

i’m so scared though because i thought of kissing her and it makes me scared idk why i’m thinking of this so much today.

aurokoi

Date posted: 4y

@holley Trust meeeee I know exactly that!!! It’s been on my mind for days now too. I thought about that with my friend too after one of my other friends told me they had a dream where we were together. I did it a couple of times after too. I feel so terrible that I did that now bc it feels like proof but I was just ... idk imagining what that would look like?? I didn’t like it so I stopped every time and now I’m concerned that part of me did. I really wish I had advice for you, but I’m going through it myself. You’re definitely not alone. It feels so bad. But thoughts =/= reality and that’s what I’m going by for now.

holley

Date posted: 4y

@aurokoi very true. i feel better knowing someone else went through the same thing too! i just am scared because at the time i thought that i wasn’t scared i just let the thought sit there and move on. i never tried to kiss her or anything

pureolife

Date posted: 4y

This post is basically one big rumination compulsion. You’re going to have to stop trying to “figure out” the answer to why your ocd is doing what it’s doing if you want to recover. A good intro to rumination: https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/understanding-pure-o-you-are-not-having-intrusive-thoughts-all-day-you-are-ruminating/

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