Ok but seriously this time it feels like I’m in denial. The thoughts and feelings I’m getting right now seem so natural to me like they happen automatically. I don’t even feel bothered by them anymore it’s like I’ve just realised I’m actually bi/ lesbian but I just don’t want to be. I’d rather have the panic and the anxiety and the disgust over this feeling of truth. I saw a post explaining hocd and the caption said something about it only being hocd if you’re bothered about these thoughts all the time and I’m not getting them as regularly anymore and they don’t really trigger me. It feels so so so real.

Don’t know if this is a part of ocd recovery or what but my hocd thoughts don’t give me anxiety anymore. Sometimes it feels like this tapped into my feelings. I don’t know how to explain it. Like when I get the thoughts now my mind is like “you’ve always been like that” but I feel no anxiety. I’m also regaining some attraction for the opposite sex and that feels great but at the same time my mind says I’m lying to myself and I get this weird feeling in my chest. Idk what this is.

My anxiety is pretty much gone...the thoughts are not...here’s the thoughts I’m having... -it’s not hocd this time, it’s the real thing -omg you’re attracted to your friend you’ve known for 18 years and you’re just now realizing it -when you see your boyfriend you’re gonna realize you don’t love him because you’re a lesbian -then I get intrusive thoughts about kissing girls...over and over and over again The hardest part is that the anxiety is gone so I don’t know if these are real thoughts...what if they are? What if I’m lying to myself? What if every boy I have ever fallen for in the past was just a cover? What if one day I’ll wake up and decide that men just don’t do it for me anymore? But I love them. I always have. The broad shoulders, the big arms, the height, the scent, the feeling of a boner on my butt while we spoon (so sorry tmi moment), I’ve loved them since I was 3! What the hell happened?

I’m so scared I’m a lesbian again I still don’t want it bc tho but for some reason the thoughts font make me as uncomfortable or anxious as they once did Barely even at all And that makes me feel like I’m actually a lesbian and as I’ve been getting better it’s coming out Ughhhhh why:/ But I still don’t want it and at the same time am still uncomfortable at the thought of it like I just got uncomfy and anxious rn Smh