Can POCD make you feel like you don’t know why sexually abusing children is wrong, just that you’re afraid of becoming a child abuser for whatever reason? I’m constantly struggling to figure out why pedophilia doesn’t make me disgusted or angry enough. I feel like I’m actually a pedophile who doesn’t know it yet or is in denial. I know I shouldn’t ruminate but I feel like there’s some truth to the thing I’m constantly obsessing over.

Honestly, I've gone through this. I kind of think our brains are desensitized to this topic enough that they just don't register it as disgusting as it is sometimes. I know EXACTLY how you feel, trust me. I've been to therapy, and my therapist TOLD me these are just intrusive thoughts and ocd. The hard part is getting your brain to realize that these are ocd thoughts so they don't really matter. Accepting the thoughts is hard, because you might think "oh my god, if I accept them does that mean I accept that I'm a pedophile??" But it doesn't. It means you accept that you had the though period. I KNOW it feels like you're just in denial, i have been there many times and I'm sure I will be there again. But TRY to label these thoughts as ocd, then focus on things that help lessen your anxiety, like breathing; focusing on something else, exercising, what have you. Just know that because you have these thoughts does NOT mean you are what you fear you are. I have been where you are; there will probably be a time in the future where I return to where you are. I think it was the user Soniclen who said on here: "confidence over certainty." Certainty is IMPOSSIBLE with ocd, you will always find a way to question it no matter what. So be confident in your morals. Don't let your ocd twist this into thinking you don't have them because you obviously do. Be confident that you wouldn't hurt anybody despite your morals or despite your fears. I'm here to talk if you ever want to xx

Desensitization sucks ? but as far as I can remember, I’ve always been desensitized to things like pedophilia and rape. I wish I could feel the same outrage and disgust when it comes to those things, but I can’t, no matter how much I try to make myself feel those emotions. It really makes me believe that if no one said rape or pedophilia was bad, I’d condone it or become it.

@jadedrops I had/have the EXACT same fears as you do, and like I said, I try to remember confidence over certainty. It is SO incredibly hard, but tell your brain, "So what if I have these thoughts? They're not important." about ANY of the ocd thoughts you have (and if you're anything like me, your brain will do anything to twist this and make you think you are the opposite, but be aware of your mind doing this). I know it's the worst. I know your mind will probably do anything to convince you that you are the worst of you fears. But the key is acceptance of your thoughts, however untrue (again, do NOT let your mind twist this against yourself) they might be. If you can see a therapist, try to. I saw the mental health counselor/therapist that my university provided and she knew exactly what I was talking about and how awful and convincing these thoughts can be. Thoughts are not actions. Thoughts are not desires. Thoughts are not YOU. They are just thoughts.

It’s tough I am still going through it now. Keep thinking I’m out of the words and the new thoughts. I get the same excited feeling I used to get prior to sex too. So it’s about riding that wave. What I remind myself is that as scary as it is, and as horrid as desensitisation is, I HAVE to trust my brain knows what it is doing, and is bringing up these thoughts to then process and file them. And that takes months to happen. Worst for me is during intimate sex, feels like it’s someone else doing it, and sitting through that iS REALLY hard (no pun intended). I don’t think it got challenged enough last time. It’s almost like there were embers in the fire and the theme returned. Very suddenly! God it’s so awful this? struggling to maintain my own advice ‘confidence over certainty’.

@T. Thank you this honestly made me feel a bit better. But there’s always that doubt in the back of my mind that I’m still a potential pedophile because my mind can’t register why CSA or CP is bad on its own. I feel like I’m only inclined to agree that pedophilia is a terrible crime because society says so. That my brain is wired exactly as a pedophile’s brain.

@T. Thank you. I’ll try not to let my thoughts get to me. I’m currently trying to seek therapy so I can get my life back. Also, I’ve been having troubling thoughts and obsessions for only about 2 weeks. Is it actually OCD or some other type of mental condition?

I noticed my troubling thoughts only about a week or two after I got them as well, I just dealt with them until they got super bad like 3 or 4 months ago where I got extreme anxiety and sought out my university therapist. These thoughts obviously trouble you, so I would take that into account. Until your are able to, or if you are unable to, seek out a therapy's try your best to learn about ways to manage anxiety. It's awful, I know. I dealt with it for 2 weeks before I saw a therapist and 3 months before I got medication (fluoxetine). You are so not alone.

Also it was about a year between the moment I realized I had these horrible thoughts and the time they got so bad I sought therapy, just for reference. Wishing you the absolute best xx

Did the medication work in eliminating the obsessive thoughts for the most part?

Also can OCD just develop out of seemingly nowhere because that’s what I felt like happened to me. I’m also not sure whether or not I’ve been suffering from a mild depression before that.

For the first two months, I was on 20 mg and nothing really changed for me. Now for a month or so I've been on 40 mg, and my anxiety has lessened SO much. The thoughts don't really go away, but I realize that they are just thoughts/don't represent my morals/don't represent ME and I move on with my day. Not to say I don't freak out and worry over some thoughts, because I totally do, but the constant anxiety I felt dropped so much.

And I believe my ocd developed a while after a little girl in near my hometown was (trigger warning!) abutted and sexually abused, but it was a year later when I started college that my anxiety and the thoughts came more frequently and then the second year of college where i am currently where I really had an anxiety breakdown and sought therapy for it. Did I have intrusive thoughts before my extreme anxiety started? Yes. But I was able to brush them off. After my anxiety got really bad I couldn't shake them anymore and I questioned absolutely EVERYTHING about myself. September-November of 2018 was the absolute WORST time of my life. But I am doing better now, recognizing intrusive thoughts, and though I am far from perfect and still freaked out by the thoughts I get my anxiety has cooled. Sorry if this was long and didn't explain anything I hope it helped at least a little ?

My POCD developed because I ran into a drawing of a kid being raped on a Japanese art site (and boy did the artist try and make that drawing as graphic and realistic as possible. I felt like I was disgusted but I also liked looking at it? IDK it kind of irked me but I didn’t think too much about it until a few days later when I started fighting with myself, trying to convince myself I didn’t enjoy it and I didn’t enjoy looking at a child being raped, even if it was fictional. I don’t even know why it bothered me so much, because I’ve seen those before and never thought anything of it until now. So I looked up, “Signs I could be a pedophile” and that’s how I found out about POCD. But that’s where I got so anxious and my brain kept coming up with new obsessions, and I got to the point where I couldn’t tell whether I had fantasies or intrusive thoughts. That maybe I might’ve just realized that I am a monster. It got so bad I broke down to my dad and asked him if I could seek therapy. What a way to start off the year lol it’s fine mines long too.

Omg I relate so much

I feel the same way and also have you all ever had thoughts like well if someone is innocent and can’t remember why would certain things matter? Those two together haunt me and I feel like I really am one because why else would I even ask these questions.