I feel so defeated. I hate that I never dated and broke the rules a little. If I had maybe I wouldn’t have this. Maybe I wojld have figured this out a lot sooner. I’m so .... ugh

The thing is I’ve never gotten to the point where I’ve looked at anybody and... wanted to date them. Guys or girls. I thought people were faking the whole relationship thing and desires in high school to ‘be like in the movies’. remember last year one of my guy friends had a dream where I was dating one of my best girl friends, and I was surprised and a little... idk... it was surprising that he dreamt of that? So I tried to imagine it bc yeah if it was anyone based on an emotional connection, it’d be her bc she’s my best friend and has been there for me since day 1. But the idea of dating her did nothing for me, beside make me slightly uncomfortable bc then I’d have to kiss her and ... idk. I just preferred the friendship, it was a lot more fun, and the thought of friendship turning into that was so extremely displeasing and made me feel really anxious and bad all around. Now with guys, I’ve had active curiousity and crushes, to the point where I DID fantasize about it but again the thought of dating them, just made me anxious. The thought of them liking me back made me anxious. In both cases I was good with just being AROUND them and talking with them but not actually dating them. Idk if this works against my case or not, but now the thought of dating a woman, any woman, just makes my stomach squirm and get tied into knots. I feel so turned off by the idea and I am so sure I would hate it but this ocd thing is so annoying because I’m never sure. It’s like in the back of my mind I’m like... okay but what if you DO like it? And false attractions (which btw I’ve never felt something like that in my life) make me feel terrible too.

@aurokoi I get it. For me not every chick makes me want to date them. I’ll have fantasies of it and sexual fantasies of the girls I think about dating but then I get into ROCD and don’t think from a lifestyle perspective I’d be ok with living with them and didn’t feel like I could be my true self with them. Like I have a ghetto side to me that gets seen a lot when I’m drinking or just watching sports. I’m 100% Mexican but wouldn’t date a traditional Mexican women or date a Latin women even though we may be similar in what type of music we listen to i kind of don’t find it attractive when a women starts to act ghetto too just saying. I’m more attractive to white girls but find a regular white girls lifestyle to not be very attractive. I’m just not into hiking, skiing, snowboarding and any other outdoor adventures they may like I’m a city boy not a country boy or outdoors type. I have my own unique lifestyle that doesn’t fall into one category. I guess that’s where it gets me in trouble cuz my taste for things aren’t in just one category and are in different categories. Dating is hard for me. Obviously if you just get feelings for a girl unexpectedly that’s where you just have to get the digits and see how you get along and date and get to know them to see if what they like to do works with what you like to do and go from there. I know I’ll never know for sure cuz I tend to not start something than to crash and burn and start over again but its just how I’ve always been.

Yeah I wasn’t ever allowed to date until I got out of high school. I had crushes on guys but never dated them, I couldn’t see how that would work with strict parents and all. And now that lack of experience is biting me in the ass.

@aurokoi I’m 20 lol. And if I’m honest I don’t see myself dating comfortably anymore. It’s always given me a lot of anxiety

@aurokoi Yeah I'm with you on this. I'm clueless about dating and all that. I'm 19. I can't he comfortable with dating without anxiety or the thoughts of someone getting hurt in the future. I've never even had crushes on girls even though I like girls. With all the hormones I had in high school I had to express and find out what I truly liked. It's still confusing now.

@BigGip09 To be fair, I think I’m on the aromantic spectrum but I’ve had the stray thought of ‘would I want to date a girl?’ but it always made me uncomfortable so idk I never paid attention to it? It didn’t seem important. But of course I don’t care about that now lol. And to be fair, I don’t think having a crush on a girl is any indication, or a good indication? The aromantic spectrum does exist and it’s all valid.

@aurokoi Are you trying to say I'm aromantic? I'm not fully sure what the word means. I've had thoughts of getting with someone of the same gender and I did experience with that but I knew I didn't swing that way so I just stuck with girls. What I'm mostly attracted to is someone having a lot in common with me and that same person being able to give me a lot of comfort out of the kindness of their heart. I felt that was something that I didn't get with other people back at that age where I struggled so there's the answer to that. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to when this OCD started.

@BigGip09 You could be or not, sorry I didn’t mean to come off in the way to say you are 100%. If that caused any distress I’m sorry. And for what it’s worth, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I never cared much for dating, or the whole... idea of romance? I thought it was kind of stupid and it makes me feel cagey. I know I wanted someone, and even around women I still wanted guys... idk, I’m sure IM on the aro spec for sure in one way or another. I just wanted someone who understood me enough to ... idk be a friend? And I’ve had female friends step into the role which I’m grateful for since tbh I don’t think I would’ve been alive if it weren’t for them, but I did also always want that connection with men too 🤷🏻‍♀️ my single-ness has never bothered me like this until now either until ocd blew up over my plans in the future lmao.

@aurokoi Yeah I used to be bothered about being single even before OCD when I was 13, starting out high school. I don't think I really ask for me, just for someone to at the very least, get really close to me and understand me and be really happy of who I am and what I do with myself. I always intend to be good and help others because it does bring me joy seeing others smile for what I bring them. I just never happened to catch feelings. I'm glad you understand that part though. I never truly dwell on it though, it'll just be on and off.