This is so mentally exhausting and feels so real 🤦🏽‍♂️

I can be strong some days, but today I’m just so mentally exhausted

Yeah I don’t mind. I’m 24 and I’ve always identified as a straight male. I’ve been with my girlfriend for three and a half years. I’m not too sure when exactly my HOCD thoughts started. What I do know is porn is what caused it. I used to watch porn and at some point I started to watch gay porn. I didn’t see any problem with it because I was comfortable with my sexuality. I always felt wrong/disgusted doing it but I didn’t pay much attention to it. About four months ago I started to notice straight porn didn’t do much for me anymore and it was only gay porn. It freaked me out and gave me instant anxiety. I felt like I lost all attraction to women and only towards men. I started having trouble having sex because of the anxiety of it all which made me question myself more. I felt like I turned gay and I was devastated. I would watch porn everyday, so at some point I know it became a problem but didn’t care. Right now it’s hard because I can’t help the fact that I used to watch gay porn and it’s hard to accept the fact that it didn’t mean anything more. I am so in love with my girlfriend but I have developed ROCD as well and it’s hard sometimes. I just felt like I was stripped of my whole identity and everything I knew. I started ERP and about half way. My anxiety definitely has reduced. There are times where I feel straight, where I feel bisexual, and where I feel gay. I’m trying to stay strong, but it’s hard when ocd gives you feelings that are so real.

@NoRuminations Your experience is so similar to many on this platform, so you're not alone :) I also suffer with these subtypes and I can tell you from my own experience that some days (or even moments), you'll realize you're straight, other times you're sure that you're bisexual, and sometimes you'll be certain that you're gay. Things like dream subtype experiences will complicate the process as well (I'm not sure if you also experience those but many on the platform do). Porn, according to a lot of HOCD sufferers, has been the biggest hurdle for them because of the strong connection. But you must remember that arousal is different from sexual orientation. There is a very clear difference. A lot of people enjoy "bdsm" but they aren't actually violent people. Some enjoy age gap porn but they would never in reality actually marry or date an older or younger person. I'm not trying to reassure you here because OCD will become worse, but I do want to make you see that the OCD and porn have a huge effect together. Take it a day at time. You were once confident in your orientation, and that to me, signifies that you know the truth. My suggestion is to stop watching it and to practice mindfulness. Your ERP will come in handy as well. Slowly, your attraction for the opposite sex will come back. It might still not feel "right" or "normal," but it will eventually come to fruition. Live with the uncertainty. Let me know if I can be of any assistance. :) Have a great day.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. That does make so much sense. Thank you for your post ! I really needed that. I appreciate the help

@NoRuminations Hey man sorry for the late reply... but its so crazy how ur story is so incredibly similar to mine like seriously. I also have a girlfriend of 4 years and it’s tough man

@NoRuminations What feelings did you get? Like false attractions?

@Anonymous All good! And Yeah it’s tough. Especially when I know I love her and it tries to convince me otherwise and some days ! What’s your story if you don’t mind ??

@Christine Yes! Honestly some days it’s like I don’t even know if they’re even false? It’s confusing 🥴

@NoRuminations With me it makes me feel like I am attracted to my friends and I have a boyfriend and he’s trying to understand but I know it’s really hard for him.

@Christine For my friends I haven’t been attracted, and I thinks it’s because I know them. It’s more random people that I see. I have only told my girlfriend I have OCD. I’m not sure if I am going to tell her what though. It’s what goes on in my head and I’m not sure if someone could ever understand that

@NoRuminations When did your symptoms start?

@Christine About three and a half months ago it got REALLY bad