TW/// POCD If you know a lot about fandom, fanfic, or are just willing to listen, please help me think this out. Ive been “obsessive” over fandom for a while. But fanfiction had always been my comfort. It was pretty much the main way I interacted with fandom, and some times, I didn’t even read/watch/listen to the source material. I read the fanfiction just because I loved it. I would read it a lot, starting when I was probably 12 going on until now, as a 19 year old. I generally avoided sexual or “explicit” fanfiction or would skip over the sexual parts for the majority of this time, because I have always been a fairly nonsexual person, and have only really just recently been interested in sex at all (until of course my ocd worsened & switched themes). Now that I have switched ocd themes to pocd, I have been looking over my interactions with fandom/fanfiction, past and present, greatly. What’s weighing on my mind right now is that I just remembered that in the summer after I turned 18, the movie IT p.2 and stranger things season 3 came out, and I was obsessed with them both. I read shipping fanfiction for both of them primarily focusing on the adults but for IT (where the first movie is them as kids and the second is them as adults) I read some where they were kids at first and then grew into adults. and I think they might have had nonsexual pre-relationships/ crushes while they were kids. And then for stranger things, I read fanfiction (mostly about the older sibling characters who would have been my age but I read a few that focused on the young kids because there was a storyline of one of the kids being hinted at being gay which I as a bi woman felt should’ve been addressed more. But I didn’t read a lot because I did not like the relationships between the kids. and I think maybe the only reason I got into IT was because they were adults on the second movie). So I read very few fanfiction with a couple different “crush” pairs/relationships between the kids both of which were non canon gay pairs, despite only one character being hinted at being gay). These were very PG if I remember correctly but in the one I saved I checked it tags and it had “first kiss” tagged which is disgusting and I don’t remember it at all which greatly worries me because what if there is other stuff I didn’t remember?? -Oh gosh and now I’m remembering a very very fuzzy memory of fanfiction with aged up characters in it. I don’t know what fandom it was in but they might have still been older minors or they could have been in college but I think it was sexual. I don’t know when I read this or if I even did. If I did it was probably a while before this so I was probably still a minor myself, but I have a shit memory so I can’t be certain. I could’ve been older than 18 but read it and didn’t like it so I tried to forget about it or skipped a bunch. I’m just so worried. I feel for a creep for reading this stuff, and I feel horrible not remembering what I did read or not. I read so much shit. I know I’m not attracted to kids but I still feel like a predator. Fandom and fanfic and pocd gives me so much anxiety and confusion. Is it morally wrong, creepy and pedophilic to “ship” minors? Canon vs noncanon? Gay vs. Straight? Is it morally wrong to read any fanfiction including minor as characters? What if they grow up in the fanfiction? What if the minors are only in flashbacks? What about fanfiction of nonsexual “crush” relationships between minors? Does all of this change when it’s about characters portrayed by real life actors vs. Animation? (My heart pretty clearly says it does) I hate my creepy 18 year old self, though that was only just over a year ago. I wish I had all of my reading history so I could just know exactly what I’m working with.