This is what I would have wanted to hear a few months or years ago. It’s going to get better. Trust the process. Keep moving forward. You’re going to be okay.
For years, I have suffered from rOCD without knowing it. I dealt with constant anxiety in a previous relationship that, although I though I had found “the one,” the constant doubts and anxiety brought me to the point where I decided I had to end the relationship. Years later, I found myself in a new relationship feeling the same way. It’s worth noting that I am a Christian and believe that the Lord had directed me to both of these partners. I share this in case it resonates with some of you here. Anyways, my new girlfriend and I were drawn together and experienced a deep and meaningful connection but I had constant doubts. Not knowing I had OCD, I would confess these things to her in a way that was extremely hurtful to her and caused damage to the relationship. Years later, we ended up in premarital counseling and our counselor, also a licensed mental health counselor, suspected that I might have OCD. The idea seemed ludicrous to me as I consider myself to be a normal, mentally stable person, besides the intense depression and anxiety that I had felt connected to my relationship. But OCD? How could that have anything to do with it? I took a DSM5 test and because I didn’t understand my compulsions were compulsions, we weren’t able to diagnose me then. I started seeing a pastoral counselor who had a strong discernment that the issues that I was complaining about in my relationship didn’t have to do with my partner or the relationship but were issues with me. He didn’t know it was OCD but he helped me at least see that it was something that I could work on. We ended up getting engaged. That triggered my depression and anxiety through the roof. I then started seeing a psychiatrist. He didn’t diagnose me with OCD and unfortunately said some very triggering things that fueled my doubts about the relationship. Nonetheless, I held on and kept moving forward, trusting that my fiancé and I had something that God was in and encouraging me to move forward in. I was on Lexapro. It didn’t seem to help. All the while, I was learning so much about myself and about my relationship with God. What trusting God really means. The difference between fearing the Lord and fearing making a mistake.
We got married. Things got really hard. I feared the worst. I feared that I had made a huge mistake. Everything I thought I was learning about my faith I feared wasn’t true. Our honeymoon was extremely difficult. This was my worst fears coming true. I couldn’t sleep at night. Every morning I’d wake up with debilitating thoughts and anxiety. I shared what was going on with my wife and she graciously would listen and encourage me. But I couldn’t tell her everything. It was too much. I would talk to friends. They would try encourage me but no one understood what I was going through. Then I found out about rOCD. I felt like finally something was starting to make sense of what I was experiencing.
Long story short, I found NOCD with a mix of hope and skepticism. Would this actually help me? My counselor diagnosed me. That helped. We moved through the sessions and I still felt skeptical. I feared that this would be yet one other thing that I would try and not work, leaving me hopeless as I had felt for the last 9 months. Then one day it started to click. I did my first ERP session and it didn’t seem to work. My counselor encouraged me to do ERP for 15 minutes each day. I did that first session and it felt like my anxiety was stuck at a 6 and would never go down. I stayed with it. After 30 minutes, it just dropped. I asked my counselor if this was normal and he said yes. Okay, I’m getting it. From there, I approached the work with vigor. Intense sessions with my counselor and ERP every day. Resisting compulsions throughout the day. Okay, I’m getting it. My quality of life started improving. My anxiety started going down. Right now, I’m done with my 60 minute NOCD sessions and moving into 30 minute sessions. But I’ve got my hope back. I can truthfully say that I love my life. I’m so happy that I made the decision to marry my wife, despite my unknown rOCD. I love her and although our relationship is not perfect, we are happy and we love each other. I’m experiencing more joy in these days than I have in years.
For years, I wanted to know that I was going to be okay. That there was light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not “cured.” I still experience thoughts and anxiety. But it’s so much less. It’s manageable. It doesn’t affect my feeling of hope about my life. And that’s the most important thing. Hold onto hope. Hope is real. You will have to do the work. You will have to hold on. You will have to choose to hope. But if you stick with it, you will come to the light.