(Not sure if this needs a TW but I’ll give it one just in case). I’m a little bit worried because I remember before I had HOCD (although it definitely feels like I don’t) I didn’t want a clear phone case because apparently only bi people had them (stupid ik) but that was before OCD and I still didn’t want to be thought of as bi. Surely this is denial because I wasn’t obsessing then but I’d get upset if I had any similar interests that were considered lesbian or bi. How is it possible for me to have OCD when I was like this before it? And why have I only just remembered? It literally has to be denial and the worst part is I’m not even panicking I just feel sad.

Faye June

Date posted: 4y

Hey! I understand you’re super anxious right now and in turmoil. I understand the feeling of emptiness, when there’s no anxiety and just grief. As someone who has gone through sexual orientation OCD and recovered through ERP, this was an issue in my early days - but it was still OCD. You not wanting a phone case because it was a ‘bi’ thing, doesn’t mean you’re bi. That may seem pretty homophobic to people who don’t understand, but it’s more so that you don’t want to appear to be something you’re not and give off the wrong vibe I’m assuming (not because you morally oppose homosexuality), but there’s that overlap where that would hypothetically be EXACTLY what a gay person in denial would do - the hypotheticals are what act as train stops for OCD sufferers. Of course, your journey is gonna be intricate and unique to you, but I had many revelations when I was suffering with this theme, the same way I did and still DO with my health OCD - ‘omg, that pain in my side WAS cancer, oh no, help’ - I’ve found from having both themes there is a LOT of overlap. This could be reassurance, but I’m just gonna say it anyway - after I got my ERP, I did realise that I’m heterosexual - and I did seem to have the same sort of thoughts as you, so... don’t let the OCD kick you down and avoid therapy because you’re that convinced it’s true... yeno what I mean? Anyway, sending you my love. Get into ERP!

Clementine

Date posted: 4y

Thank you so much for this. Honestly I’m so happy you replied. I’m definitely not homophobic, I wouldn’t dream of being, but yes it does sound a little like that (which also makes my OCD tell me it’s internalised homophobia). My worry was that I got these thoughts before I had a HOCD theme so I’m scared it’s denial but i really just don’t know anymore. I hate that it doesn’t bother me and I hate that it feels so so so true :( Also yes it might be reassurance, and it would 100% have reassured me a month ago but these past few weeks reassurance hasn’t even really been working for me, I’m so lost. It does give me a little hope that there might be a way out of it but right now I almost feel as thought I’m accepting being Bi/lesbian which should be making me anxious but I don’t feel anything besides sadness and resistance. Thank you so much for the advice though, do you think recovery is achievable if I do ERP on my own? (Without a therapist I mean).

Faye June

Date posted: 4y

@Clementine Hey, Yeah, that’s why I said each and every journey is intricate and unique, hence why we shouldn’t use comparison as a means of reassurance and ‘certainty’. This form of OCD can occur in anyone, of any sexuality (I know that’s a hard pill to swallow when you’re deep in the thick of it). I’m your own time and possibly through the process of ERP you can work out what the resistance and sadness comes from. I can only truly speak from the perspective of myself, my own experience, a lot of research on OCD, and the fact that I’m currently a psychology student - but, sometimes we use anxiety as a way to prove/disprove things within our obsessions, so when we go through natural periods of low anxiety, we’re confused and lost, like you describe. If I’m inferring correctly about what you’re talking about, I definitely was in your place at various points - but those low anxiety periods were NOTHING like how I felt after ERP, they didn’t even mirror it. That’s why I’m feeling off about how you’re describing this as a gateway to acceptance, etc - as I feel I was there and that wasn’t my gateway out. But, alas - to answer your question. I mean, it’s not advised. But I’m sure that with enough research and evaluation of the dangers that you’re putting yourself up for, you could potentially successfully self-administer. I’m not just saying ‘research’ flippantly, RESEARCH. It’s considerably important to understand the intricacies of what you’re getting into! I wish you the best!

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