So I haven't been using this app as much as I used to. And that used to be every single day. I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or not. I'm glad I'm not compulsively using this app every single day when I'm down, but I still really love to help people here. And I will say that I have friends here that I dearly appreciate and have helped me more than ever with their support. I do hope you all are doing alright and better than before. I'm kind of at the point where sometimes I'm over the things that I worry about in the past that did happen or may have happened, but regardless, I feel like I'll never be able to stop worrying about the things that have happened to me or the things that I did out of curiosity at a young impressionable age or stop worrying in general. When it comes to the things I did, I worry about the times I've sexted with minors when I was a minor myself. This is where the OCD all started actually. For a very long time I had trouble getting over this and forgiving myself for it. It may not mean anything to else, but it bothers me and it destroyed me when I first got caught with this horrible mental challenge. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't eat, wouldn't shower, and wouldn't do the things I normally do to enjoy myself. I always felt that there was no point if it meant that I've done these things in the past, even if I was much younger than I am now. And when my hormones were at its peak. Normally teenagers wouldn't be so pent up about sexting because it's indeed normal to sext with people your age. Everybody thinks that. At least, the people I talk to. But why do I worry about it? I honestly don't know. False memories tried to intrude when it came to this sexting with my OCD saying "You sexted with a minor when you weren't one" which isn't the case because I KNOW I stopped doing this when I was 17 because I didn't graduate high school yet. For some reason I still feel bad about it. :/ I also constantly ruminate about all the porn I've watched in the past thinking I may have came across illegal content at one point and didn't know it, which I don't really get anxiety about as much as I used to. Does that make any sense? I still worry about these things but normally it isn't as anxiety inducing as it used to be when I first had these thoughts come after me. Does that mean I'm getting better then? It's really complicated. I don't think I ever went out of my way to look up illegal porn and DEFINITELY MADE NO ATTEMPT TO DOWNLOAD ANY. The accidents I ruminate about most of the time is seeing things I didn't want to see while using the internet. This has happened on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, and sometimes even porn sites which I gladly no longer visit. Twitter has pretty much little to no moderation so it's easy to see pretty horrible things on that app, even when you don't want to. It's disgusting and I never want anything to do with Twitter ever again. Instagram isn't user friendly either, mostly the host of sexual content for models and monetized people alike. YouTube, even while trying really hard not to have bad things posted onto their site and app, unfortunately still get ridiculously horrible things that people can come across unknowingly. I'll never understand how a playlist involving kids in a sexual context came up when I searched to look up 18 year old girls. I don't get it, and I know it's not something I wanted to see, but why do I spend every single day worrying about these things? Like, there's days where I'm actually worry free, but then other days all I do is worry. It's like my mind NEEDS to be worrying about something just so I feel, idk in a mood? I don't even know what it's for? This is a post that I needed to write for not being here for a long time. I hope everyone else is getting better. Friends, families, and even pets. I hope everyone is able to get through the day with ease and all that. I love this community. 💕

garden

Date posted: 4y

We love you in this community! But if you need a break or you feel you use this app compulsively, by all means don’t come on here as much. Whatever’s best for you :) I’m sorry you have to deal with the past. It’s a sticky place, the past! I know you’re not what you fear, but I don’t think you do. And with ocd, maybe you never will. Just trust me that you deserve happiness and a good life. You’re an awesome person. Maybe try unconditional self and life acceptance? Accepting the possibility of things (even if they aren’t true). 💙

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

Hi, my friend! It's so nice to see you and other friends on here again. I knew that I needed a break from the app, but lately, I haven't found myself using the app as much as I used to because I felt more free of my worries in conparison. But then, I felt a little bad because there's people on here I know I can do my best to help out! I hope I shouldn't have to feel that way about it. I'm usually over my past and I'm slowly accepting that I can't do anything about things that have already happened, but I know I don't do the things I listed on here anymore! And the accidents that I listed here haven't happened ever since. I'm just past that part of my life and I'm slowly adapting to the present more and more. Sometimes my fears get to me but I try my best not to ruminate on them. Accepting the uncertainty gets a little difficult because I know I shouldn't worry and I know it isn't as bad as it seems, but I still feel like I need to worry anyway. When I do feel this way, I feel like uncertainty is the only way I won't have to feel this way to begin with! I know, it's really confusing, I'm sorry. :(

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

I have been practicing self acceptance along with mindfulness and when I haven't been seeking reassurance or googling, it has been working! I have to get back in the loop though.

garden

Date posted: 4y

@BigGip09 Well done for trying to get out the loop! That’s awesome. And don’t feel guilty about not being on the app. Prioritise yourself! Accepting uncertainty works wonders but it can be hard. And I guess sometimes you feel you need to worry about it all to ensure you’re not bad? I get that too. But you deserve to steal happiness. You shouldn’t be burdened by the past ever.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

@garden Yeah, that's EXACTLY it. Feeling like I need to worry about it for the simple fact that I'm not worrying about it in general. This must be common for OCD! I'm slowly learning to let go of the past little by little

garden

Date posted: 4y

@BigGip09 Yes it’s very common! It’s like the worry helps us feel better

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