I don't know if it's possible to really journal on the NOCD app, but I'm going to give it a try anyway. So at one point in most people's lives, I'm sure they've came across something they really didn't want to see while using the internet, or any social media site for that matter. I have friends that did, I've seen many people talk about it, and I myself have gone through it a few months ago. I'm trying to meditate on how I can stop thinking about what I had seen given the context when I was on YouTube that night and put it past me, but it's hard. I just hate that I still ruminate about this over and over and I try my best not to. I didn't even search for anything related to the dumb playlist I saw. I wanted to masturbate, and I'm beginning to think this may be a compulsion for me but I'm honestly not sure. I don't like to use porn sites, since I can't see myself being turned on by hardcore porn knowing of the things porn addiction can do to people and what can be served on the underground of porn sites. I feel more safe with using YouTube or anything that can limit hardcore porn. Months ago I searched for the usual things I would that can arouse me, that being girls my age, and definitely older women. Because of this event however, I feel like I've lost the attraction to look at girls that are "labeled" as teens because it makes me feel awkward that they may be underaged even if I assume that they aren't and my not be. I searched for 18 year old girls to watch so I could enjoy looking at hot girls that were my age at the time. I liked what I saw with the girl that was 18 in the video I searched for, and things were okay. But then, people started to debate the girls age in comments when the video itself said that she was 18. When I clicked out of the video, I tried to find another. But, while doing so, youtube threw this gross playlist that gave a negative sexual connotation about kids in the playlist the videos itself weren't sexual at all, and I didn't watch any of them and never would, but the creator and person that hosts the playlist made it seem that way. Nothing about that playlist I liked. This happened before and curiosity kicked in to see if it was actually real and not what I clicked on one video hoping to report it but got afraid that I couldn't find it. Then I wanted to report the entire playlist because it's not something that youtube should have given me and something that should not be on YouTube, even without the context in my opinion. OCD sometimes creates false memories thinking I actually did watch videos in the playlist when I didn't, at all. It was so horrible I put my phone down before clicking everything out. I guess it still bothers me because it was an awful coincidence that met with me masturbating before I even ran into it. I focused on watching older women and then at the end Women my age but the thoughts are like "you're just using this to cover up for what you really wanted to see" or "but what if you actually did want to see that" or "what if you liked it" which if that was the case I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel this much anxiety and worry about it because I've seen other bizzare sexual videos that didn't bother me whatsoever, but I don't stumble into anymore. Lately I've been feeling a much stronger attraction towards older women, muscular women, and plump women. Honestly multiple types of women I don't really have any limits for the most part. Up to 50 year old women I believe. It's not that I'm not attracted to women my age but when it comes to online for videos or images, I'd love to see older women so much more. Never ever ever any women below my age though. I just don't want to ruminate about this accident anymore. Dwelling on it drives me crazy but lately I've been telling myself "I'm not going to solve it" and it's working a little bit