Does anyone have straightening/ordering compulsions which they cannot pinpoint the reason for where they get rid of one only for the compulsion to start straightening something else pop up? I have created a hierarchy before and, utilizing ERP, have overcome specific compulsions. For example, I used to need to have my socks perfectly folded,ones up, and arranged by size and color in my drawer. I used to also need to place my toothbrush in the drawer a certain way. After overcoming these compulsions to the point where I could simply toss my socks or toothbrush in my drawer, I seemed to develop new compulsions surrounding items I never cared about previously, like needing to have pens lined up in drawers perfectly or the drawstring on my hooded sweatshirts be equal length. I am wondering if this happens to anyone else and, if so, how you have dealt with it? Because of this, and the fact that I cannot pinpoint any specific fears, I am starting to believe that my compulsion to straighten items is simply a way to preoccupy myself due to my anxiety. The irony is that doing these things just causes more anxiety because it results in me being late, falling behind in work, and saps me of time I can spend doing things I either need to get done or things that relax me. I will have a plan to get things done and, because I get so sidetracked ordering things, I don't get things done which results in me becoming so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and relax. I was a very laid back person growing up. I never worried about anything who laughed most things off. If something bad happened, I was the type to reassure others that it "wasn't the end of the World". I was never tense, never raised my voice, and was usually the one to interject when others were arguing to get them to see each others perspective. I cannot pinpoint a specific event that caused me to change, but sometime in my mid 20s I started to have anxiety that manifested in me ordering. First, it was a single small rig in the hallway of my house that I would straighten and re-straighten for hours. As time went on, it got worse and I started having a feeling that more and more things were out of o order. Ironically, the only time since where I have been nearly cured was during a very stressful point of my life when I was divorcing from my first wife. I was recommended the book "Brain Lock" and found it very helpful. Through a lot of reflection, I realized that I was hyper-focusing on small, meaningless things as opposed to what really mattered; and whatever is going to happen will happen irregardless of whether my belongings were straight. I was wasting my life away aligning objects that are utterly worthless, or can be easily replaced,leaving no time to get the more important things done. Instead performing necessary upkeep on my house, I was spending my time on upkeep of a single drawer. Kind of like the whole ocean polluting around you while you are repeatedly filtering a small tide pool. Upon realizing this , I got 99% better. It also helped that 1/2 of the stuff in my house was gone and it had a very minimalist look it. However, when I remarried and my new wife moved in with all of her stuff, my compulsions came back with a vengeance. I reread "Brain Lock" and still have that mindset. However, even when I am being mindful, I cannot seem to pull myself away from straightening even though I know it is not making any difference. OCD is a pain. It is like training for months to go 12 rounds with Mike Tyson and winning only to learn that Ali, Frazier, Klitschko, Ward, and others are going to jump in the ring at any time. I've beat it before, and can beat it again. The tricky part is recognizing the feelings as they come up, staying mindful, and not giving in to the voice that tells you, "it will only take a few seconds to do this compulsion and I will feel much better". As we all know, that isn't the case as giving in only feeds it. Anyway, sorry for the long ramble. It's good to be able to talk to people that understand because everyone around me seems to think telling me to "just stop" should work. I have tried to have them read articles on how best to help, but they have no interest because they do it get it.

My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.

So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.