Yeah man I hate hocd. I should be able to talk to dudes like normal now smh. I hate my ocd that involves stupid thoughts with women smfh. I understand my hocd cause the second part but still it sucks. I wish I had a job. I wish I had a gf so I wouldn’t be doing stupid shit anymore. I wish I could have a life worth living. Even if I didn’t have a gf I would still want to feel comfortable around a girl and talk to a dude like normal then to feel the dumbass arousal feelings that go no where. I understand it’s ocd but I still need a therapist to tell me it’s ocd just cuz if I tell myself it’s not enough smh. Like I know how I was before but it still sucks. I don’t want to become a drunk but I will if I have to make my point across that I’m not right. At least it will get me out the fuckin house and into some facility. I want to be ok. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel normal around my family again. I want to be able to talk to people like normal again. I want to be a ale to have the choice to ask a girl for her number. I want to be normal again and that’s it. Like I never felt all this shit before. Never. Idk why I have to suffer for my mistakes. Idk why I have to suffer all cuz I let my cockiness get the best of me. I know I’m arrogant and obviously ocd is the opposite of this but how can I be cocky again if I have soocd since people cry about using hocd smh? I’m just really tired of this shit. Like I had guy friends all my life. Have I had instances of hocd yes but I didn’t dwell on them or think I was gay. I didn’t go back and fantasize about some gay guy after seeing one. I’ve never jacked off to this day of any sexual gay thoughts cuz it just doesn’t get me hard only time it does is if I get scared of it not if I’m like alright let’s go then like I just don’t understand this shit. All these stupid thoughts that appear for women now smfh. It’s been like that for a little more than 2 yrs now and I’m like htf did this happen smfh. Like I get me liking a chick depression comes after which is my ROCD cuz of being hurt and feeling like why does it matter I’m not exactly what they’re looking for or they aren’t exactly what I’m looking for so why bother or so what I like a chick I still feel uncomfortable around a dude smfh. I just really hate my life. Idk when or how I’m going to start living a good life. Like I can literally show a new therapist all of my symptoms only reason why I can’t show my old therapist is cuz she doesn’t want to see it or let it change her mind so I’m ok with that then let me find someone else then who can see everything of what I’m going through cuz I can see everything in my head of what repeating or accidentally coming out of my mouth when I see something or if I try to do little anxiety relief exercises like I see everything and I just want a therapist who can see it too.