Having Pedo themed OCD is so draining. It's like the thought of hurting a child is so terrifying to me to the point I'd rather end myself than ever have it happen, but I can never convince myself I wouldn't do it. Sometimes I'm able to some ERP kind of exercises and it makes it quite better but a lot of times i just can't handle the anxiety it takes to go through with them. And its hard because there aren't many people other than my thearpist I can explain this to. Makes me scared to pursue relationships or anything like that because I feel like they wouldn't understand and just see me as a monster which sucks because there's actually a girl I'm starting to like and she has a adorable little girl I couldn't imagine ever harming but I get the most explicit intrusive thoughts about her and I'll even get gronial responses and its just to the point I just want to break down and cry, I have panic attacks at least once a day. There's times I think about self harming to deal with it because I used to be a cutter in my teenage years but thankfully so far I've been able to avoid giving into it. But to say this causes me intense emotional distress is a understatement. I'm getting better where I can stop the panic attack quicker but its still so draining to deal with it almost every single day. Its frustrating because I keep telling myself I don't want these thoughts and then my mind is like "You're lying to yourself! You want this, you're just tricking yourself." Even though I know its illogical because I don't want that, my mind just seems to spend most of the time trying to break me down into believing it that I just spend a lot of time stoned so the thoughts are too jumbled to focus on. Which I know isn't the healthiest coping mechanism but just have a break is so refreshing.