I am a 24yo girl and never had problems with my gender identity until december, 2020. This thoughts came from nowhere and bother me until today, I am struggling to discover what is true or not, let me explain and tell my history and experience. I had a history of obssessions that started on november, 2014. It was a tough time as well! I will do a list and put the year in the end. 1. I thought I had sex in the night club I was and my head kept telling me I was pregnant one day after, so I went to the drugstore and buy DIAD, even without knowing what really happened there. I did a lot of pregnancy tests too! Everyday. 2. I started to think that I lost my virginity there, so I went to the doctor and she told me that nothing happened to me. 3. Even with this information, my head kept telling me something bad happened and I started to think I was with HIV, so I had to do the test to calm my self down. But more obssessions came to me. 4. I started thinking if I really believe in God or not. 5. I started thinking if I was a lesbian or not. 6. Thoughts about being possessed by some demon or something alike. (2014/2015). 7. Obssessed in a bad way with a job I got, I had to quit, because as the other crisis, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat properly. (2017). 8. Obssessed with COVID-19, where everything I touched, led me to think I was contamined. There were days I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was dying. I used a lot of hand sanitizer and my hands in that time was dry. (The skin). Happened on March, 2020. And now I will explain how this current crisis started: I ate something that wasn't good for me and I was physically sick. Out of nowhere, came a thought to me that I could be with stomach cancer. I will do a list with the thoughts that came right after: 1. If I really believe in god or not, for the second time. 2. If I was satanic or something like that. 3 If I was lesbian or not, again. 4. If I really liked my boyfriend, it led me to broke up with him. 5. If I like Kids sexually or not, I couldnt even stay close of my niece. That scared me a lot! 6. The trans. I was searching about consequences of child abuse, onde I suffered it when I was a kid and there I read something like "sexual identity problems" and then I researched what this means and after I couldn't find peace. I kept asking to everybody how I was when I was a kid, if I looked a boy, if I wished to be like a boy, but there is no evidence about it and I can't remember of something like that. Now everything in me bothers me because of these thoughts, I used to pay a girl to do my nails, even bought a dryer to take care of my hair but nothing makes sense now. My sexual parts looks strange, I can't even recognize my self and this never happened before all this things. I am really worried! I don't know who I am anymore. My hair bothers me too and this never happened, I used to like my hair a loooot and my Mother told me I never liked short hair, I have never been a tomboy, by the way and met some trans men and didnt make difference to me, but now I am doubting everything. I used to send nudes to my boyfriend and let him play with my parts and this never bothered me before, but now I keep thinking about it 24/7. That I am not satisfied with nothing that belongs to me... I even got two nipple piercings when I was younger. I don't know what is happening... people who is passing through this, I am accepting advices, some support. * I consider myself as a bisexual woman. I was diagnosed with GAD plus OCD symptoms, but here where I live they treat OCD very poorly.

OCDismyMiddl...

Date posted: 4y

Hey there :) I'm going to try to approach this without lending you reassurance. Your most important goal is to give yourself compassion. When you're sick, for example, you don't feel motivated to do things. You lose attraction and desire and you feel physically exhausted. The same thing happens with OCD. Constantly checking and ruminating doesn't help either! Become more aware of your actions. Your only goal is to not find an answer. The truth is that there is no answer. You must work very hard on this every day. You have to go on with your life, even if you feel terrible or unmotivated or scared. Good luck to you and I wish you the best :)

yulsic

Date posted: 4y

Thank you for your kind words, from the bottle of my heart. It's really difficult, but what really matters is that always have a way to overcome.

OCDismyMiddl...

Date posted: 4y

@yulsic I understand! It's a very difficult situation to be in. It feels so real and very confusing and nothing feels "right." Hang in there! Please feel free to tag me if you need support or help. We are cheering for you! :)

yulsic

Date posted: 4y

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I am interested in doing therapy by NOCD, but unfortunately it's not available for Brazil. But thank you for all the support! Sometimes I even think if it's really related to OCD or not, I am still looking for some professionals abroad, they treat OCD better than here.

OCDismyMiddl...

Date posted: 4y

@yulsic I understand! I hope that NOCD will expand to more countries. They are slowly growing. In the meantime, feel free to use this app and resources. Advocates are always available to talk and give you support through what you're experiencing. :) How are you feeling overall today?

yulsic

Date posted: 4y

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Better than yesterday, less anxious, but the thoughts are still here with me, I am feeling like I lost my oldself and I hope NOCD arrives soon here, I am sure I'd enjoy the experience.

kimhope

Date posted: 4y

Hi! You and I have a lot of similarities! I struggle with trans OCD and sexual orientation OCD too! It started in December for me but I too consider myself a bisexual woman. When a celebrity on twitter changed from calling themselves a bisexual woman to a non-binary lesbian I got SUPER triggered and it just spiralled from there. What I'm trying to say is you're not alone. We're not alone. I too at times are hyper aware of my appearance and actions and femininity. I'm hopeful that one day we'll both find ways to deal with this. Keep up the good fight, dont let OCD drag you down. You got this! ❤

yulsic

Date posted: 4y

It's terrible, but like you said: we are going to find a way to deal with it. No matter what! It started in December to me too, I had several obssessions in a row, but I think TOCD is the worst I've ever had. Because it seems like I was pretending to be someone all my life and my mind keeps telling me things from my past that I didn't even remember when I wasn't with all of this. I care too much about things I didn't care before... But let's fight.

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