I’m making this post for anyone to tell me if this sounds like ocd or denial. Im an all state football linebacker who’s always found love for lifting weights and being with my friends. Im also a catholic. I’ve always been a really happy person. One thing to know is my dad was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I’m not sure if it’s ocd or not. I’ve also always been attracted to females, and never guys. I’ve only watched gay porn once before when I was 12 as experimentation, and it never felt right so I just never watched again. Now this begins back in July of 2020. I was on vacation at the beach when I was at this gym, and I met my gym idol. I was going to take a picture with him and I grabbed his trap really awkwardly. I thought “he probably thinks I’m gay” then I thought “what if I am gay”.Later that day my uncle (who was drunk at the time) was trying to get me to walk up to random girls and ask to take a picture. When I refused (because I thought it was weird to walk up to random people for pictures, and also because I have social anxiety and low confidence) he asked me if I was gay. But at this point in time the anxiety was very mild, and football started the next week, so it left my mind as fast as the thought came in. So throughout the entire football season, the anxiety basically wasn’t there. There was no question of my sexuality, no knowledge that this ocd even existed. Although something to note is that throughout football, the fear of me somehow getting CTE (a brain condition from head trauma) gave me some anxiety, and I frequently asked my parents for MRI’s, even though I haven’t even had a concussion before. But the season came and went, and I was insanely excited for the offseason where I could get better at what I love the most. Fast forward to November of 2020, and the last game of football just ended. One day I was thinking back on my last game and I recalled to myself that one of the players had perfect teeth. I spiraled into a panic. I was getting teeth pulled the next day, and was terrified that while I was loopy on medicine I would confess that I was falsely gay. What happened was much worse. My sister ended up getting COVID, and I was quarantined for 2 weeks. The very first thought I had to myself was “wow this is it, I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about this”. And I was exactly right. The next 2 weeks were one of the worst of my life, I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. Throughout the past year before that I only cited twice (once when we lost a big game and once when my father was in an accident) and I was bawling my eyes out for hours every single day. This is when I first learned about hocd, and considered the possibility that I could have it. I was really excited to get out of quarantine, because I thought the thoughts would just go away once everything went back to normal. And to an extent they did. For about 2 weeks extending from Thanksgiving break, I felt decent, and just wrote it off as hocd. I felt like I’d be able to accomplish my goals and get rid of this disease. The time is mid December, and I go for my yearly checkup with my pediatrician. He gives me my physical exam, which gives me a ridiculous amount of anxiety. I keep thinking to myself, wondering if I like it or not. Later that day, I started doing even more research about hocd, and found this one forum of a man saying how hocd is just a coping mechanism for closeted people. This pushed me over the edge. I couldn’t stop freaking out or crying. In my life, I’ve never fell below an A in any class, and here I was failing almost 3. This was by far the worst time of my life. Things did get better however, because my relentless research did get me reassurance. I stumbled alongside a YouTube video explaining the difference between hocd and denial, and one of the comments said “here’s a simple answer, if you’re watching this video, you have hocd”. I was thrilled at this, and things got better for quite a bit, but the baseline anxiety and thoughts never went away. Things got really good in the second half of January, because I gave up masturbation for a short period of time. One of the things I’ve noticed is that when I don’t masturbate, the built up sexual drive I have gives me reassurance that I’m not gay. I was also excited because school was starting back up full time again, and being around my friends always made me feel better. Things got better, and I thought me being cured was right around the corner Here comes the month of February. We got drilled with a huge blizzard almost every week and the thoughts and feelings came back. The thoughts are trying to tell me that I’ve always known I was gay, even though that’s not true. I’ve always been straight. I started to research ocd again and found another article of people saying hocd is just denial and found a YouTube video of a man saying that even if you have hocd, you still might be gay. And that leads me to typing this right now. There have been times where I’ve begged God to help me, or asked why I deserve this, even though I’m not super into my faith. I know reassurance is bad, but I need something to get through this week and stay motivated to lift. The thoughts are telling me I want to look feminine, which is insane because I’ve been obsessed with bodybuilding and fitness my entire life. If no reassurance can be given about my situation, can someone just give me reassurance that hocd is a real thing, not just a coping mechanism? If you read this far, thank you so much for hearing me out and please let me know what you think. Thanks again

booba

Date posted: 4y

Hey man, first off, I want to say I am so so sorry you’re dealing with this, and it seems like you’re dealing with it mostly alone. This obsession and mental anguish is not your fault. I want to give you some reassurance that you are doing the right thing by reaching out to others for help. There is nothing wrong with you as a human being. You are struggling with illness in the single most important organ in your body, and I know a lot of people don’t understand exactly how debilitating it can be, but I want to reassure you that what’s happening in your brain and body is not your fault. You can’t use your sick organ to fix itself. It sounds like you’re still a very young man. I know it’s difficult to get proper treatment for yourself when it might put relationships with certain members of your family at risk. I don’t know how the people around you feel about gay people in general, or how you do yourself, so I really understand that this type of OCD is so hard to open up about. If you have someone in your life who you could trust with these thoughts and feelings, I think you should absolutely open up about them. It sounds like you’ve had several episodes caused by your OCD that were very extreme and painful. You shouldn’t have to deal with that alone. You are a human being and you deserve to be supported when you are struggling.

Flim26

Date posted: 4y

I just wanna thank you for your response first of all. Would you say this is hocd after all? And I do have a lot of people that I trust, and everyone in my family is completely fine with people being gay, and I don’t mind people being gay, I think people can choose who they want to be. But it just doesn’t seem right when it comes down to me. And when I think about getting help I feel like people will pretend to understand but in reality just think that I’m gay.

booba

Date posted: 4y

@Flim26 Oh yes you definitely have HOCD! Nobody, including me, can tell you whether or not you’re gay. You are the owner of your own life. It’s doesn’t matter if you’re gay or not. Other people can think what they want about you, you know your truth. A lot of men are so insecure in their masculinity they’ll make weird comments like your uncle was making to you to try to make themselves feel more dominant. You don’t have to disrespect women to be attracted to them. Gay men can be very “masculine” in the traditional sense of the word. Gay men play sports and hunt and fish. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight. You sound like a really good kid, and very smart. The most important thing in life is to be kind and love the people closest to you. If you ask for help for this very obviously debilitating illness and all they can do is worry about some sexuality bullshit, they need to educate themselves a bit more. There is nothing wrong with you, and you deserve help when you’re struggling.

Flim26

Date posted: 4y

@booba It is true that most people that have hocd are straight though, is that correct? I’m sorry if this comes out as wanting reassurance, I just want to be able to lift this week. There are times like now where it’s so crippling that I can only just sit here and overthink. Would you recommend getting ERP? I also heard that everyone gets these thoughts, but ocd sufferers are the ones that put meaning to them.

booba

Date posted: 4y

@Flim26 Lol sorry for saying definitely but the fact that you’re thinking about your thoughts so much.....sounds very much like debilitating OCD in my amateur opinion, and like all mental illnesses you deserve proper medical treatment and support with no judgment or scrutiny

booba

Date posted: 4y

@Flim26 I would definitely recommend you see an ocd specialist or a professional who is well educated on different ocd treatments. I don’t know the statistics on hocd. I do know that pocd (pedophilia ocd) pretty much guarantees that a person is not a pedophile, because that is their biggest fear and disgust. If you want to do a little exposure therapy on your own, ask yourself some tough questions. Go lift at the gym, and pretend you actually are gay the entire time. You don’t seem like a creepy dude who’s always on the prowl for hot people to gawk at. Those people are very happy being creeps. It would pretty much be the same experience for you if you didn’t have OCD. No one’s really paying attention to how people look in the gym, unless they’re super buff, then I’d probably watch them and be jealous, man or woman. It’s totally natural and not at all sexual to notice people and their different attributes. It’s natural to explore different scenarios in your head. OCD tries to assign meaning to your thoughts. OCD is like a computer program that is programmed to protect you from a very painful Bad Thing, OCD does not trust you to know yourself, so OCD is always questioning your motives, even over things you can’t control.

Flim26

Date posted: 4y

@booba I read that hocd is about a 95/5 ratio where people who have it are straight. Another thing that happens to me is I get the same fear as another person after reading about it. Is that normal? I get doubts constantly about whether I’d actually like my thoughts, and that I’d be better off as coming out as gay, even though I’m not. I also love lifting, and I get random thoughts telling me that I hate it now and I want to look feminine. I used to spend hours watching gym videos, now they make me anxious

booba

Date posted: 4y

@Flim26 That ratio sounds right. That’s totally normal with OCD, it makes you think about your thoughts SO much! Sometimes you can reassure yourself by doing a compulsion, but sometimes it gets stuck in that loop. I’m so sorry OCD is trying to ruin something you enjoy. You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are a very very small part of you. People without OCD get these kind of thoughts all the time, but their non-OCD brain lets them go “nah, I’m not gay. Lol that thought was kinda weird” and then they never think about it again or even remember it. Be gentle with yourself, you are you and you can do whatever the hell you want. I’m so sorry OCD is torturing you so much, you are doing what you can in life just like anybody else. You know what makes you feel happy, and what makes you happy and safe is never the wrong thing to do.

booba

Date posted: 4y

It sounds, also, like your OCD responds really well to logical arguments. I’m a lesbian and I think I can offer you some things to remember that might alleviate stress. -realizing I was a lesbian was a relieving experience. Most gay people, even when we are in the closet, don’t deny it in the privacy of our own head. -You are in control of who you sexually interact with. If anyone violates your boundaries they are wrong, male or female. You are in control of who you pursue. -You are not in control of sexual arousal reactions. They happen in regards to a lot of different stimuli, including fear and anxiety. -You can think about whatever you want. You can fantasize about things and never want to act on them. Your intentions matter. -It’s okay to not totally understand your own sexuality. Sexuality is your own personal behavior, and you can trust yourself to act in ways that make you happy in your own life

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