It keeps telling me to hurt a child and that its okay to hurt a child. I dont know if thats me or that’s intrusive thoughts. Why dont I feel anxiety, am i okay with this? Do i feel anxiety? Do i think this okay or am i forcing myself to believe its not okay? Is anyone dealing with the same thing?

Ok. Thank you. I have a session on Friday so I hope that will help me.

Well shit I want to believe that but it just makes me triggered because now I think "what if I'm just like the predators I only worry about getting caught" and I just feel really lost I feel like a really horrible person and I'm hurting myself and others and real events make me feel much worse about these things. Then I feel like I'm using ocd as an excuse I just don't know what to do anymore I feel like it's too late for me to get better and everyone will hate what I've turned into

@BigGip09 Oh darling I’m sorry to have triggered you! I meant that, that is their singular worry, that is the only thing they might think about when they’re considering hurting people. In their own head, they enjoy what they have done and can’t wait to hurt someone again. They will picture scenarios where they can hurt someone and not get caught, and actively pursue those scenarios in real life, because they enjoy them and can’t wait to do evil things. You are in control of your actions. If you hurt someone, apologize genuinely, hear them and be willing to do what you can to make it up to them, and then do what it takes to move on. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain from your OCD, and you deserve help for that. The fact that you are worried about being a good person and doing good things means that you are a good person, even though you are sick, and even if your mental illness makes you act in ways you don’t like. You don’t want to hurt people and you want to be free of pain, and you deserve to get help for your pain.

@BigGip09 I literally have those same thoughts. I feel like i don't care and it makes me doubt myself so much.

@booba I am in pain. All I worry about is being a bad person and I worry about certain things I've done in the past when it comes to sexual things. All I know is that now I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to hurt myself. Some friends tell me that I hurt their feelings and I apologize constantly to them. I don't want people to be hurt I just want them to be happy. I hate that I watched all the porn I did when I was addicted but I'm glad I stopped. I'm really glad I stopped and I only watch consentual softcore content that everyone seems happy and content with. I don't want to go back to porn sites at all. I definitely don't want to rape or violate anyone either. There's no way at all I can get any in real life pleasure off hurting someone but I feel like I may have done that already with watching porn. I may have watched someone be held against their will or controlled at times they didn't want to. I didn't have the knowledge I have now. I just hate myself for these things a lot. And I worry about it all the time.

@BigGip09 Oh darling I am so so sorry you’re dealing with all of that. I’ve absolutely been there. You sound like a very thoughtful person, and it sounds like you are well educated on the problems in the porn industry, more than the average person. Your porn addiction was not your fault, internet porn is a brand new phenomenon and it easily lends itself to addiction. Porn gradually traumatizes you before you even know it. It’s so amazing that you’ve been able to change those habits on your own. You learned new information and you made change in your life. Awesome job! Everyone has done things in the past that they wouldn’t do now, with new information. The porn industry is to blame for exploiting people. It really sounds like you love your friends. You care about others and the thought of hurting anyone, even a stranger, makes you sick. I’m really proud of you for looking inward and caring about others. Your OCD is going haywire punishing you, but OCD doesn’t realize you are a caring, kind person who needs help dealing with a painful mental illness. You can do this my friend. ❤️

@booba You're just about the nicest person I've seen on here. There's so many nice people that I can find on here and just like you, they've helped me so much. So much so that I could just cry honestly. I don't feel like I deserve forgiveness sometimes, and I'm always worried for my safety because of all the porn I've seen. It really is a bad thing for a lot of people. And unfortunately a lot of children and young teens are exposed to this stuff whether they see it or find themselves a part of it. It's really bad. I just feel like at the time I was a part of the problem and I went down a bad rabbit hole I couldn't get out of. I'm more than glad that I can step up and say no to porn sites. I don't want them anymore. I miss the way things used to be before it even knew what it was whenever I think about it. I understand that we grow up learning about these things anyway, but I could have gone about it much better than what I was exposed to. It's literally a drug, and I can't believe there are psychology sighted articles that say porn addictions are not only not a problem, but non existent. It's horrible. I'm more comfortable following people that are more than comfortable with expressing themselves sexually without a horribly greedy industry breathing down their neck. They can do things freely, however they want, whenever they want, and as they please. I still get traumatic memories of the videos I've seen. I get bad thoughts of false memories on it. And now, I'm getting really bad anxiety and ruminating based on one of the things I remember vaguely searching on a porn site. This was many months ago when I was still addicted, but still. I just wish none of these things actually happened. It's because of events like these I have the consistent fear of being looked at differently or being jailed. I just hope I can get better, or happier. Or that I can just stop going in circles about these things. I never want to go back.

@BigGip09 ❤️❤️❤️ thank you so much 🥺 you have such a big heart! A lot of the symptoms of OCD and certain trauma disorders go hand in hand, and there is a lot of overlap. You really think things through with a heart full of love and care for other people. I know it’s hard to deal with the images of horrible things you don’t want to think about. Seeing pornographic material at a young age is traumatic. Porn addiction is serious. Anyone who says otherwise just does not understand the nuance, and doesn’t understand that porn isn’t just in a magazine anymore, it’s infinite and free on the internet, and with smart phones it’s accessible anywhere at any time. And internet porn is so unregulated. You really sound like the kind of person I’d love to be friends with. I know it’s hard to care about yourself the way you do for others. I know it might be impossible for you to believe you’re a good person right now. That’s okay. I think you’ve been through a lot of trauma and guilt and shame and you’ve been dealing with it all on your own, and I think you deserve care and support. I’m so proud of you for getting rid of harmful behaviors all by yourself, and working so hard to be a better person. You’re the kind of person everyone needs to be, learning and changing to improve the world. I hope you can be gentle with yourself my friend ❤️❤️❤️

@booba Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I don't know what to say. You've just been so nice to me when I feel like I don't deserve that. It really does make me happy, but sad at the same time. I feel like I just want to cry to let go of the feelings I feel right now but I'm trying to practice self acceptance. I'm trying to accept the good things I have right now. I'm trying to accept that I'm not going to porn sites, I can see my talents, I can see my good qualities and you can to. I don't want that to change. And I don't want to lose it. These core fears really do get to me and sometimes they get me to stop functioning altogether, but I'm still gonna try and practice acceptance. I found be overgeneralizing, exaggerating, or thinking black and white which I know I do a lot. I always try to be perfect. I always try to make things seem flawless for me. Lately I've just been so hard on myself based on a search I remember making on a site many months ago. I remember crying about it hard after doing it and seeing what I saw. I knew that I had to stop watching porn because it wasn't making me truly happy at all. But I still get afraid that I'm a danger. Or that I'm an outcast or a Deviant. These thoughts started last night and they're overshadowing thoughts about another incident I had on YouTube where I didn't do anything to look for what I saw anyway. I just want to give myself a break but I feel like I can't. I just feel stuck. I feel scared and stuff. Just trying to be mindful and compassionate for myself.

@BigGip09 ❤️❤️🥺It’s okay that you can’t totally love yourself right now. You’re doing your best in this world just like anyone else. You can cry if you need to. You’re stuck in a shitty situation that is extremely hard to talk about especially with people who are ignorant about this stuff. Cry, be frustrated, you’re in a frustrating situation. I’m so sorry you saw something terrible after making that search. Your intention matters. You made a search and did not intend to hurt anybody or watch anybody be actually hurt. Porn is supposed to be fantasy & consensual. Sites are responsible for moderating content. OCD may be trying to protect you from ever seeing something that offends your core values like that again, and it is overcompensating because of how deeply you are hurt by your perceived wrongdoings. Nobody can be perfect. Really, I’ve always hated when people say they need their friends to be super smart, or they need people in their life who listen to blah blah etc. etc. I really only care about surrounding myself with people who are kind. You are absolutely a kind person. People who care about others and are always willing to see another’s point of view, people who are always willing to self reflect, those are people I want in my life. I hope you can get a really good ocd therapist, my therapist is amazing & has ocd too, as well as a therapist that is well informed on trauma. ❤️ protect your kind heart and let it heal enough that you can be kind to yourself too

@booba I hope one day I can get an OCD therapist too. I'm just scared. I'm too scared to do anything in relation to it. I don't even know how to get one for sure. I'm trying not to let OCD twist anything. I'm trying not to bring my past self into the present in any way and I really don't want OCD to try and twist something that could be flat out wrong. It's a doubting disorder, and of course, I don't remember all the details at the time no matter how much I try. Maybe it wouldn't even matter in the end. I feel that if I didn't care about this, I wouldn't be talking about it. I'm not worrying about the good things I have in my life, of course not. But my point is I'm just trying to focus on my present self. I'm not watching any porn, I'm not watching anything triggering, and if I do see something triggering, I either report it or unfollow so I don't disturb anyone who make not be offended by the offensive content. I don't want anything with children in it, and I'm gonna try and stick to this as close as I can. I felt like I was never taught property about sexual things. I always thought porn taught me all of it. Everything was so no to me and I didn't understand anything but the fact that I liked it. Maybe too much. I hate to the addiction it let me to. All my OCD chooses to remember are the risky things I've done with pornographic stuff like upload it to YouTube, share it with others, sext others, search things that could have been bad without me even knowing it, and the worries it gives me knowing that there's a possibility that I could've watched unethical videos on sites that led me to believe they were safe and consentual fantasies. I know that no one can be perfect, but I just feel like the worst. I want to give myself more compassion but it can be really hard. I just don't want to ruminate over these things anymore. But, I feel like if I don't, it means I got away with these things, it means I don't care, it means that I'm bad, it means that I'm not a good person at all. I wouldn't want anyone else to go through something like this. I feel like I should be locked away. I feel like I can't even be loved. This is what stops me from not worrying for just a DAY. But there's this little voice that tells me that maybe I shouldn't worry. That maybe it can get better. That maybe, no matter how dim things appear to be, sound, or feel, that it can get better. So thank you. I'm trying to lift myself and do things for myself to feel something. Something different. Something more helpful. Talking to you was one of those things. So it means a lot to me..

@BigGip09 I totally get it. You can’t even give yourself permission to let it go right now, because you believe if you let it go and stop feeling guilty you will fall back into bad behaviors. I promise you, you deserve help with this complex issue. Mental health professionals would never ever judge you for your thoughts and feelings. If a schizophrenic person has an episode and kills someone, even then I don’t believe they deserve to feel guilty, I think they deserve treatment for their mental illness and they deserve compassion when they feel better and realize what they’ve done. Even if you were a perpetrator, and I do not believe you are, I think all mentally ill people deserve proper care and treatment. You seem like such a kind and thoughtful person, and I know if you can find a good OCD specialist you will feel so much more in control of your own actions and life. You can make it through this, and you deserve to make it through this. ❤️

@booba I wish everybody had your mindset. It's just so sweet, so human, so forgiving. I love it so much. People deserve help as long as they ask for it, no matter what it is. I want people to get better and do the best they can with their lives. People need to be happy, they need to be loved and accepted in order to do better. We need to give them room to improve. Otherwise, how will they? It's not fair how many of us are too quick to judge people for past actions, even for the littlest or biggest things. Lately I've been trying to tell myself over and over "I don't need it" even it comes to compulsions or feel good activities in order to get away from the thoughts. It's been working a little bit, but the Ruminating can still be there. You're literally an angel. Thank you..

@BigGip09 🥺🥺 it’s no problem. ❤️❤️❤️ I totally agree that all people should be compassionate and understanding of other peoples’ experience. It’s easy to be nice to you, you’re so obviously a kind and thoughtful person full of love for your fellow human beings. You deserve happiness and kindness and understanding. I’m on this app all the time, if you ever need anything or you ever need to talk through some of these thoughts until you can find the right help, I’ll be here on this thread. It really helps me heal my own demons to help other people. Also since u literally seem like the sweetest person ever, I’d be happy to talk to you any time anyway. 🥰 you’ve got this!! ❤️❤️❤️

@booba Yeah, it really helps me out when I can help people to the best that I can. It makes me feel good knowing I can be there for others and help them with just words. I just hate how OCD makes me feel sometimes. I've been sleeping all day and I haven't been up to doing anything lately because I've been so drained by the ruminating. And it may not even be as bad as I usually make it out to be. All I know is that I want to cut down on sexual desires because it makes me feel like a monster. It's really hard not to ruminate because of what I said earlier about feeling like I got away with something awful. I compulsively ruminate on so much. Things I did in my early teens, my childhood, and things that happened a few months ago. I try to give myself a break and give myself room to do better but it always feels like I did irreversible damage to something or someone. I always worry even if I really shouldn't. Thanks for being here with me.

@BigGip09 Dude I totally understand why you’d be drained, that is exhausting! Guilt is literally my least favorite emotion and that takes so much energy out of you. Sleep and rest if you need to. Honestly, I’ve been there, and OCD still tries to make me feel guilty about things I did as a child and teen. I was sexually abused as a kid and developed a porn addiction way too early, around 8 years old. It’s traumatizing. I grew up feeling so ashamed of my body and my own sexual feelings, because every time I engaged in sexual behavior I was watching traumatizing and horrible things. I never told my parents what was going on. When I became an adult I realized how innocent kids and teenagers are, and how vulnerable they are to getting their sexuality twisted in that way. I used to have horrible dreams and intrusive thoughts about children, and I never told anyone until my therapist gently asked me if I’d ever heard of POCD. It’s common in victims of pedophilia. When your mind starts reaching adult age and high level thinking, you start looking at the kids around you in horror. My whole life I was surrounded by adults who acted inappropriately, and I didn’t realize just how bad it was until I became an adult. I felt like to be a good, safe adult, you must really have to discipline yourself, because all of the adults I knew just didn’t care about what their sexual actions did to other people. In reality, normal, healthy adults do not seek out inappropriate relationships with kids. Most people experiment sexually as children and teens, and if it becomes unhealthy, it was the parents and guardians responsibility to save their child from harm. Your brain doesn’t stop developing until around 25. Adults in our lives are supposed to teach us healthy sexuality and keep us safe.

@booba I'm so sorry to hear you've been through that at such a young age. You don't deserve that. Nobody deserves to be taken advantage of like that. Not even the worst people on earth deserved to be harmed in such a horrible way. I'm really sorry. That hurts even more because you're just too nice of a person to have that happened to you. It's not even fair. Not cool at all. You're a strong adult, and I really respect you for that. You have my respect permanently if anything. For the most part of my childhood I did have lots of fun. I loved being a kid. The most negatives I got as a child was being afraid of girls, being bullied from time to time, and failing in school. It's just so horrible to hear so many children and pre teens be exposed to porn, not know what it is, but become addicted to it. I hate that porn even exists at this point. It shouldn't be so easily accessible. It shouldn't even be free if you ask me. There's no security that blocks that kind of stuff whatsoever and it takes little to no effort to stumble upon something so terrifying. And you'll never be able to avoid it perfectly because someone else nearby you might or you may see it unintentionally. It's really just.. wrong. All I want to do now is just stay away from these things. I don't want it. I don't like how it makes me feel. I don't like the Stockholm syndrome like vibe it gives me. I don't like how it's the only high I can get through my days now. I don't like how it makes me feel about others and myself. It just makes me feel a whole bunch of things and I don't even know what to conclude it as. I just wish adults cared more about these little things in life. Sexual development is the most important part of life. And I feel like I really fucked up when it comes to that. I feel like this porn addiction is all I had. I never had talks about it in school, I never experimented it with the opposite gender. I never even fell in love before. I just feel hopeless when it comes to it. I feel trapped. I feel like I don't know what to do when it appears. And all it does is appear every single day. I'm just sick of it. I felt so much better not being exposed to these things at all. I felt so much more happy without worrying about it. All I do is worry every single day now.

@BigGip09 I feel like that too. Like at first I felt anxiety about the thoughts (i still do but its not as bad) not I get anxiety about not getting anxiety by the thoughts because i think im a predator but when I interact with children its nothing like that. I dont want to touch them and even before this happened, i never wanted to touch them. Which I find strange because some reason I have memories of fondling a child but when I try to remeber the memories, they dont make sense.

@TechnoRecord Then they're most likely false memories if you feel they don't make sense to you. I get thoughts like that too or thoughts that I'm in denial and with this new thought OCD decided to latch onto it's really complicated. I can't remember everything about the event but I just know it happened and even at the time I cried hard after it

@BigGip09 If they get any more vivid, i might compulsivly vomit. My stomach already hurts. Good thing my imagination is blurry but if my brain gets anymore good at imagining thing, im not going to have anything left in my stomach.

@TechnoRecord I'm really sorry to hear that, man. I hope it doesn't get to that point. I hope you don't end up puking over this crap. You aren't your thoughts

@BigGip09 Yeah. I hope this gets better for all us. Im not sure what your money situation is but I recommend doing the erp therapy on this app. Im starting it on Friday.

@TechnoRecord I wish you the best! I'm just scared to get therapy honestly and I don't know how

@BigGip09 There is therapy on this app. Without insurance erp is 61.50 for 30 minutes. 123 dollars for 60. And 184.5 for 90 minutes. Im going to start it friday and there are payment plans you can do to make it cheaper. I think you should do it and dont be scared about it. I hope you can pay for it. Hope you have a good day.

@TechnoRecord No I can't pay for that. I don't know how I'll be able to. But thanks anyway. I'll keep this in mind. It's really helpful. You have a good day too

@BigGip09 I recommend calling the person to set up and asking about payment plans to help you afford it. If you cant afford it, recommend looking some stuff up online.

@TechnoRecord Online stuff like what? Free versions of it?

@BigGip09 Like look up hotlines or use the free counselurs on here. Or try to find something that can fit in a budget.

@TechnoRecord Well there are some YouTube channels that I can use. Hotlines sound interesting though. I didn't know those existed. You're really helping

@BigGip09 Yeah. You can call people. I really hope you can get help. I recommend saving for any type of therapy or the ones of here. I dont know your living situation but for now, just try youtube videos and hotlines. This app has helped me. I also recommend mental activites aswell, thats what I try to do. I hope you get the help you need and try to do more research on free ocd help.

@TechnoRecord Thanks so much man. What mental activities do you do to get better? My thing is I worry about things that happened but everyone tells me that I shouldn't worry about those things. That and my masturbating habits. What do you think? What about your situation?

@BigGip09 I hate when people tell me not worry because it’s easier said than done. But when I say mental activities I mean like playing a hard game and trying to figure out what to do (like an indie game or Call of duty because pay attention to your surroundings , talking to people (because that requires thinking. And its beter to talk about something that make you think like philosphy or something), reading a book, learning a language, doing math or science or learning historical facts, doing a puzzle, just stuff like that to keep your brain preoccupied.

@TechnoRecord Yeah, exactly. They say I shouldn't worry and I really want to believe them but it's just so hard because of this OCD holding me back. Then I worry regardless. Playing games can help me with that sometimes alone with helping others, talking to other people, sometimes confessing, and helping my family. Making myself a use for others.

@BigGip09 Yeah games helped alot with friends. Being alone usually makes it makes it worse but when you preoccupy yourself around people that can help alot. And when your alone just do other mental task (any you can think off) and go to sleep.

@TechnoRecord Yeah I usually don't like to be in bed when it's late and then I'm not tired. I'm trying to occupy myself with things but at the same time I'm really comfy in my bed fighting a shit ton of urges. Being alone does make it worse because it's just no one but you really.

@BigGip09 Yup. But this app usually help with the alone thing. I get on it before I go sleep and then I go to bed. You should get into reading books if you havent already, like comic books before you go to bed. Thats what im going to do because books usually make me sleepy.

@TechnoRecord I usually have a show that I'm watching that I really enjoy that makes me sleepy. Maybe I can try that! It really helps me doze off much better. I have books to read but I don't know where I last put them.

@BigGip09 Yeah. Just keep watching the show and try to find those books. That should help you.

@TechnoRecord Okay. I will. Thank you very much. You've been helping me a lot lately. Thanks.

@BigGip09 Your welcome. You helped me too. I hope you have a good night or day.

@TechnoRecord Likewise

@BigGip09 Hey buddy sorry for taking so long to reply! ❤️ I had a rough couple of days. (I have cptsd so the nightmares have been killing me) I didn’t forget about you! ❤️ how are you doing lately? Thank you so much for what you said in that first paragraph. You are srsly the best 😭 I brought that up cuz I definitely know what a predator is, and you are absolutely not one. You’re the kind of person I know I can trust. I hope things are getting easier ❤️ love and relationships and sex are really complicated issues and our society has such a twisted view on what’s normal. Take your time and keep trying to be gentle with yourself like you are to the folks on here. ❤️ I know you’re already on the right path to healing damage done by porn and I know someday you’re going to have a healthy and happy relationship with your sexuality. You deserve it. You deserve, someday, to wake up and not think about it at all. ❤️❤️ thinking of you bud

@booba Hi. It's more than nice to see you again. I really enjoy the support you've given me and the feedback, even if I don't feel like I deserve it sometimes. This past week I've been doing pretty great. I haven't given into porn or masturbating, and I plan to continue that. I like that I can make the choice to cut ties with something like this completely. I just wish I could have seen it sooner. If I never would have watched porn, I think I would have had more confidence in myself. More acceptance. More safer thinking. Because of porn I've done things that I regret in the past. One of them is sexting. Even though people say it's totally normal and everybody does it at one point, but I still feel horrible about it. Much like porn, I don't plan to interact with it anymore but what bothers me is the fact that these things have happened alone. I hate that I got addicted to porn at a young age, I hate that I was exposed to it, and ever since I entered high school, I feel like it's something that I needed as an escape. I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel right now, and I hate what it can do to people, whether they're viewers or actors. I keep remembering the videos I've watched vividly. The searched I made. The videos I came across by accident. The searches or videos that I've looked for and regretted it right after. The last time I remember going on a porn site this happened, and I just ended up crying. I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want to be aroused all the time. I just want to be worry free and move on without my mind throwing itself into the past. All I do is live in the past and be afraid. I miss the good times, I regret or hate the bad times. I just feel stuck with OCD. I always feel like I'll go to jail soon for something, but I don't know what. The uncertainty is so hard to accept. But I'm hanging in there. I'm trying my best. I try not to dive into this so personally because it ends up making me think worse and breaks my mood, so I hope this is the last time I write such a longer on this app. Anyway, thanks for being with me. Thanks a lot. I pour out my heart to this community honestly. Everybody here matters and deserves to get better.

@BigGip09 There are so many times I wish I had a time machine. So many kids I would rescue. You can’t change the past. You can’t judge your past self for not having the knowledge your current self has. The You now is far more educated and conscientious than the average teenage boy, let alone the average adult grown man. You can only control what you do now. OCD absolutely hates shit like that. Def doesn’t satisfy it at all. For example, my OCD started KILLING me when I started babysitting a four year old. I loved him so much and I was terrified I might make a mistake, like getting mad at him and hurting his feelings, so much so that I was getting sick before I had to watch him. My therapist reminded me that adults can always apologize to kids. They SHOULD always. They don’t enough. If I do something that hurts his feelings? I say “I am so sorry I acted like that. That’s not the kind of person I want to be. I never want to act like that again.” A genuine apology is so meaningful. I don’t think you did anything criminal or wrong in any way, but imagine that you did. Let the worst case scenario play out. What would you do? If someone you sexted came forward with some sort of grievances. You would do whatever you could to make it up to them! So many people would get defensive and deny it happened, bend over backwards to get out of trouble. If you found out you had accidentally hurt someone, you would handle it like the kind, educated person you now are. You would apologize for whatever you had done, and you would do what you can to make up for it. Even if you somehow went to court, anything you could have done would have been done as a minor, a child, and anyone listening would hear the compassionate and apologetic person you are today. Explore those worst case scenarios. You’re a good person. You’d do the right thing, no matter what. ❤️

@booba I would love for a time machine to exist. So I wouldn't have to be exposed to this thing at all. Maybe you can say OCD is definitely exaggerating things but I still somehow feel like it's warranted. I try my best to stay in the present and it does help me. I think when it comes to OCD I have trouble remembering things that I did even last week or a few months ago. Then when I don't remember much OCD loves that I'm uncertain on something. I only sexted as a minor. With other minors. If the worst case scenario were to happen, I guess all I would really be able to do is apologize to everyone I love, as sad as I would be. You're right though. I wouldn't want to become the kind of person I think I am or might be, and I don't want to make any crucial mistakes. I just want to be free of the constant worry of committing a sexual crime, being a bad person, being a deviant, etc. I'm really happy that I'm the person I am today, that I'm quitting this addictive habits, and wanting to be fair to everyone. I really do try to focus on that greatly. I don't mean for bad things to happen at all, especially not toward other people. I guess these overwhelming feelings just get to me. And the fact that these things did happen in the past. I just can't get it out of my head. I just wish I hadn't come across it, is all I'm really saying. It's the cause of my sexual OCD, the actions I've taken under the influence of porn in general, POCD, harm, and perfectionism OCD. I was never an overly sexual person until this was exposed to me. I don't even remember how it got exposed to me. It's just hard to give myself a break from all of this without my OCD calling me a Deviant, pedo, monster, evil, or a bad person.

@BigGip09 You’d definitely remember doing something against your core values. It sounds like everything you did was normal. The only harm I can see is harm done to you and your spirit. You were doing some unhealthy things and when you realized they were harmful to you, you stopped. You should be so proud of yourself for that. There’s nothing wrong with watching porn and sexting, when it’s done by someone with intention to engage in a healthy, safe way.

@booba I don't see anything positive about sexting or porn anymore. It's because of this I see no more positives about it. This really hurts me. I always think that this is ruining my life or it will do irreversible damage for my future. Everyday I worry about it and I avoid it. I always worry I'm going to jail for a search I made, a video I watched, or a site I went on. I just can't take it. I'm so unhappy tonight and all I wanted to do was not engage with the thoughts but I can't help but do so because I always feel like my life is in danger because of these things. You keep saying I didn't do anything wrong, but it feels like I've done such terrible horrible things. I just don't want to go back to it. I just want to stop thinking of the past in general. I don't know why this is so hard.

@BigGip09 I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. In a healthy relationship between two adults, sexting is totally a positive thing If you decide to engage in it. Porn can be positive too, if you’re supporting a sex worker and purchasing their content, and you’re using it to further explore your personal sexual experience. Sex is supposed to be a good thing that people choose to do together because they enjoy it. Since you’re so young, it sounds like you’re just now reaching the age where you’re starting to have complex understanding of your own sexuality. Sexual activity when you’re a kid is exploratory. It’s up to adults to teach kid’s about healthy sexuality and protect them from harmful media. Adults fall victim to porn addiction all the time as well. The porn industry on the internet today is designed to overstimulate and create addicts. Even if you know the porn you’re watching isn’t ethical, it’s very hard to stop any addiction cold turkey, no matter how bad your drug of choice is. You were a kid when you went through your addiction. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you, a child, to wrap your head around the complex issue you were dealing with. Self hatred is a good motivator for stopping undesirable behavior, but it’s not the only one. You can love yourself enough to want to be better too. You can think, I’m a young man, I’m a person just like anybody else, and I deserve to be happy. I’m trying my hardest in life just like everyone else is. I don’t believe for one second that the damage you’ve done is irreversible. You’re already a thousand steps ahead of where you started. You’re already working hard on improvement and healing damage done to yourself. You’re struggling because you are a genuinely good person. You care about the mark your actions leave on others. You want to contribute to making this world a better place. I promise, this world is already such a better place because it has you in it.

@booba I won't sit here and try and convert people into thinking porn is bad and nobody should watch it at all. But risks should be disclosed. At the same time if we were to do that, we wouldn't even have porn for the most part. Personally, I don't like it, I don't want it anymore and I hate what it's done to me and I hate that I stayed with it to try and escape. It only made things worse. I'm 19 right now. All I want is to experiment what it's like to be with the opposite gender on another level. I haven't gotten that yet. When I was 13, it was always a problem for me to just make friends and have feelings for other people in general. It was always a personal issue for me. I went through this addiction in my teen years, and now I'm breaking out of it as I start out in my young adult life. I don't want it anymore. I want everything to be natural. I want connections with people. I want to build something. I just want things to come through realistic ways and at my own pace. I just don't want anything to do with those things right now. The guilt that I have for being addicted to it and for the things I remember seeing makes me feel horrible, but at least I can say that I don't want it anymore. And you're right, even while hating myself for watching that stuff and how much I hate getting sucked into it, it's hard to stop. Cold turkey I don't think will be possible because I'm taking it slow with an app I have to help keep things in regulation. Thanks for posting this though. I think I need to read it more than once to get the overall message. Honestly thank you for this. I feel like I don't deserve it once again but still

@BigGip09 🥺🥺 it’s okay if you can’t believe you deserve it yet. Just so you know, I’ve been thinking about you ever since I started talking to you on here, cuz I really like you and think you’re a great kid and I worry about you. 🥺🥺 keep trying to be gentle with yourself. 19 is so young. I know people act like you’re supposed to suddenly be an adult when you turn 18, but that’s just not true. I didn’t find a really compatible relationship with a healthy sex life until I was 21. It’s okay if you don’t have your first relationship until you’re 30. You don’t want to get into a relationship that isn’t going to be good for you anyway. Dating as a teenager is messy and it’s not necessary like everyone says it is. Everyone moves through life at their own pace. You seem like the kind of person who really values emotional connection and common morals. You’re so much more thoughtful and compassionate than most other teenage boys I know! (Lol no hate, my lil brother is 17 and i adore him) I’m a girl and pretty much all of the really strong, amazing women I know want a man like you! You could totally open up about this stuff with your future partner, and I know she would appreciate your kind heart even more hearing about how far you’ve come. You are absolutely lovable and obviously a sweet kid, I’m a random user on an app and I already care about you like I do my own little brother. I know you can’t believe it yet, but in my opinion you absolutely deserve love and kindness and compassion. ❤️❤️❤️

@booba Oh wow.. those were a lot of compliments. Thank you, that's really sweet. I really really like you a lot too. I'm just not used to people saying all those things about me all the time, but it feels really nice to see that you really feel that way about me. You're right. Ever since high school started for me I always got insecure because I didn't have a relationship. When I progressed through it, those feelings kind of stopped because I saw how people always went through breakups and didn't have their way all the time. That kind of scared me to be honest. I really do value emotional connections and the morals along the way. I don't feel truly attracted to people until it gets to a point where I'm really emotionally invested in them. It can even be with friendships like this one I have with you. I don't even know your name but I really like being around you. You're just so amazing to me. You've been listening to all my problems and my past events and you still don't hate me. You think I'm really sweet and kind and it surprises me because I think that way about you. I just wish it was way for me to know if I had feelings for a woman or not. Opening up about myself seems so hard, but even they don't turn away and actually listen like you do and all my other friends on here do, it means so much to me that I could cry.. I feel like if I end up actually getting into a relationship with a girl, I'd just want to be around her like it so my other friends that are girls, with the exclusive perks that I have with her. Only with her I can express myself to get with kisses and hugs and maybe even cuddles. Sex too, but I don't think that's something I want often. It might just remind me of my addiction or at the least be worried about it. As for my OCD.. I'm feeling less worried about my themes. I did a lot of googling last night, which I know I shouldn't have done. But, I got relief from it and a lot of advice. People have done much more bizzare things because of these themes and this disorder as a whole and people still try to help them. Maybe I have to start thinking the same way. So far I've been feeling pretty good. I'm resisting all my compulsions that relate to sexual behavior. And I'm trying to be more compassionate that my addiction to porn wasn't entirely my fault. I'm glad I was able to make an effort to stop it and keep it up to this day. I can't believe I'm a week clean away from it. Thanks for everything, Booba. :)

Bro same. I dont do anything and I just try to masterbate but sometimes the intrusive thoughts come when I do that and i start to feel sick.