So first I get triggered tonight be a real event and start doing massive research on it because getting a panic attack until I realize I'm ruminating so I stop that and just let the anxiety and depression take over till its done. Then I decide to watch some porn and I decided to watch some hentai. I have a weird nostalgia with it since it was the first pornographic material I saw as a child. So I'm looking at a page with reccomendations and they reccomended this one I've seen some of before but vaguely remembered it. Basically about 3 sisters living with their bro, massive sexual setting. 2 of the sisters looked of age, usual massive anime breasts, so I was like whatever nothing really triggering then they introduce the last sister who looked petite and kinda flat chested and I was like eh I hope this isn't a loli, I've seen that kinda stuff in the past and it really freaks me out so I try my best to avoid it. But anyways they made her super attractive, even dressed how I usually find girls attractive, and suddenly she's trying to seduce him and when she takes her top off she isn't flat chested just smaller boobs so I felt less disturbed, finished to that and then the guilt hit me like a train. I was like omg, did I just jerk it to loli? And I start spiraling like what if I'm a P? What if this is what proves it?? I wasn't looking for loli but I watched through that scene, and I couldn't stop the anxiety so I started researching the show to see if loli was associated with it at all and thankfully I couldn't find any description of that being associated with this show but the uncertainty was driving me insane and after just coming out of a panic attack from a earlier trigger this just sent me into another one. And so I'm trying to stop myself from ruminating but my mind is like "IF YOU DON'T YOU'LL DO SOMETHING EVEN WORSE, JUST THINK ABOUT THIS LONGER YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT." It sucks because I can't even sleep right now. I feel like if I don't spend more time thinking about it, something bad will happen. Idk even what, I just keep feeling this unsettling feeling of danger.

Aaron R.

Date posted: 4y

That's understandable. Mine also tends to jump around, but pedophilia is pretty much the largest obsessive fear for me, so I consider myself the most vulnerable when that's the predominant one. It leads to a lot of guilt and shame, which triggers my other largest fear, which is harming myself. I'm going to bed now (if I don't make myself, I'll stay up all night posting on here, lol), but it might be worthwhile for you to read our conversation. I hope you can get a good night's rest, too. Just tell yourself something like, "I want to get a good night's sleep. Maybe I'm a pedophile, or maybe I'm not. This isn't something that can be objectively proven and I haven't been able to convince myself before. Ruminating on this is contrary to my current goal, which is simply to lay here and get a good night's rest. I'll have all the time to worry about this tomorrow, but for right now, sleeping is more important to me." Praying for you! God bless!

Aaron R.

Date posted: 4y

Dude, scroll down a little and check out my post from 2 hours ago. I was having almost this exact same conversation with another guy, lol. I was feeling bothered about something very similar and brought up how anime and the ambiguity of the characters' ages causes me a lot of anxiety. I won't try to reassure you (or me), but I think we can rest assured at the very least that this is a common thing people with POCD experience.

ImagineSisyp...

Date posted: 4y

Oh thank God honestly lol. I know reassurance isn't the best idea thats why I said I try to let the anxiety just run its course but damn sometimes you just convince yourself so much you're like BAM this is the proof and then your whole world feels like it's falling apart. Probably would of dealt with this better if it was the main trigger today but I basically went from one thing to the next so i was pretty vulnerable.

Aaron R.

Date posted: 4y

Quick side note: after re-reading your post, it sounds like pornographic content may be a compulsion for you, as I think it is for me, to distract you from the problems you're facing in reality or to reduce distress. Maybe not, but I think it's something worth considering.

ImagineSisyp...

Date posted: 4y

I think you're totally right. I know I look at it a lot when I'm stressed or feeling lonely.

ImagineSisyp...

Date posted: 4y

*first get triggered tonight because of a real event* really wish you could edit these posts.

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