Well today kinda sucked. Spent most of the day thinking of a real event. Got so intense the anxiety and depression made me want to hurt myself. Then I kept looking what I can do for real event OCD and it's basically everything I've already been doing so I just went to bed so I wouldn't do anything too crazy. Waking up now I feel a lot more mellow, just wish I didn't have my entire day become hell on earth. Not really looking for any assurance or anything like that. Just really sucked because I was hoping today would be more productive and not me just sleeping through it.

Yeah I guess its hard for me because I hold myself to a pretty high moral standard. I at least try to. And I feel like I've failed to live up to that. That I've made massive mistakes in my life and even though I regret them daily and am filled with dread and horror all the time that some reason I need to be punished, I need to suffer more. Thats part of it and then the other part is I spend hours sometimes entire days helping friends out with their life problems in a way to make up for the mistakes I've made in my life. It really makes me happy to see I'm able to help other people but it never feels like enough. I feel like I'd have to do something for all of humanity just to feel at peace again. Its such a draining feeling. I hate it, I know it's not logical but it's so easy for me to go there. Almost effortlessly.

@PRYM You and I have some major things in common. It sounds like you have a bit of a perfectionism problem. You hold yourself to a high moral, which is nice for self confidence and things like that, but at the same time, it could make you feel bad about the mistakes you've made, thinking you shouldn't make any mistakes whatsoever in order to learn. Lately my mistake has to do with porn and what I searched for just to find any kind of video relating to my fetish. It really backfired. I ended up crying and regretted what I did and I told myself I wasn't going to go on anymore porn sites and I haven't in a very long time. I feel much better about myself knowing that I don't watch it anymore. I'm much more comfortable with softcore videos and pictures than I am with hardcore. With the knowledge I have now and how those sites can be operated, I just stay away. It just sucks feeling like the daily regret isn't enough, you know?

@BigGip09 Yeah I do. Everything that's bathing me were mistakes years ago. And I still let it bother me. I've done everything in my power to be a better person and even though I know I've improved a lot and are trying I get paranoia that I must be a monster, and I just spiral. My thearpist thinks it's related to traumas I endured when I was younger and that I'm emotionally immature. She was like you have the logical side down but emotionally you're like a 12 year old. Lol

@PRYM She said that? And how did it make you feel? I'm beginning to feel like it's childhood Trauma for me as well. I wouldn't be surprised if it all started around middle school because I was depressed then. Kinda am now but not as bad. I feel like I've improved a lot but my OCD always wanted me to remember mistakes that happened years ago and months ago. I hate it yet I still feel like I'm deserve it

@BigGip09 It was helpful because I told her about how much I feared what if I'm a pedophile. And she was like you're not, you are a 12 year old. You've emotionally never really left that place. And then she told me how real pedos don't really worry about their actions, they don't feel convicted about it. It usually takes them getting arrested to get help and I'm doing the complete opposite. And then she just told me like my regret is a perfect sign I learned my lesson and I can move on from it. And then she also wants to try hypnosis eventually to see if it can help resolve trauma thats happened to me that might be contributing to this. So hopefully that works out

@PRYM Hypnosis actually sounds pretty terrific tbh. I wouldn't be mad at that. You don't sound like a pedo to me either. Not one bit. POCD still really sucks though and I feel like this thought in constantly having is proof

@BigGip09 Yeah and she was saying if the hypnosis goes well, I can basically do it to myself at will and get similar results, that's why she likes it so much.

@PRYM You can do it to yourself at will? This is something I would love to be taught.

@BigGip09 Yeah thats what I remember her saying. I don't know exactly how it works because she's waiting to be able to get the covid vaccine before she starts seeing people in person again so I'm mostly just waiting on that to get started.

@PRYM Oh, I hope she's alright! I don't feel too bad about my current thought since I saw other videos like the one I searched for and I doubt it included anyone underaged. I guess I just really really like feet, I dunno. But even it comes to that hypnosis technique, I'd love to check that out. Have you tried looking into it?

It really really is.

Or when it throws real event things in the mix that happened months or fucking years ago and tries to make it seem like "but hey what about this thing you did isn't that kind of wrong why'd this happen" only to have people say it's not even that bad

@BigGip09 And this is what I hate about OCD you think it's really really really bad but nobody else does and they think you're fine