NSFW I remember when I was around a junior in high school, I looked up “freshman boy senior girl” on pornhub(for clarity I’m a straight boy who had an older girl kink at the time) and while I’m not 100% sure if I was just looking for fantasy or the real thing, I eventually stoped caring because even if it was the real thing I know it’s not a big age difference. But then my mind started going to “what if you knew it was harmful at the time and still looked it up?” Is it normal that I don’t know the answer to that question?

I feel that. I always ruminate about that too and what I thought at the time. I would definitely still have OCD but it certainly wouldn’t be as bad.

@mitz Yeah my real event would have probably latched onto something else but nothing as significant or of an annoyance like this. Lately I've been getting away from everything sexual and so far I'm almost a week sober and I feel good about it.

@BigGip09 That’s good to hear, for me with porn it right now is doubting how old I thought someone was, which is impossible to know because I can’t go into the mind of my former self.

@mitz That, and you'll never have it disclosed in the videos, which is another reason why I just don't want to deal with it at all. It's also because of the controversy on pornhub with the unverified videos and I don't want to warp my reality of sexual things and women.

@BigGip09 Same, I remember there was this one video, and it was clearly two adults (seemed very consensual) that good deleted off xvideos, and I think pornhub but reuploaded on some other website. I stared wondering if it got taken off because of some abuse off camera and I tried to search Reddit to see if I could find anything but I couldn’t so I watched the video on the other site and now I feel terrible about it.

@mitz If you don't mind me asking, why was reddit the go to website for that? I'm glad it got taken down if it was anything that was unethical for the video and not at all a consentual fantasy, but still. Also trying to Google it probably made it worse. That's one that I've been able to control I would say

@BigGip09 Wasn’t really my go to website, it’s just what I happened to visit in that moment.

@mitz Oh, I see. Before quitting sexual things entirely, I stuck with YouTube, but of course that place wasn't perfect either. So I just gave up everything. It's not easy, and I still get urges, but I'm continuing to fight them. It's just feeling bad about the past things is what gets me, you know?

@BigGip09 Yeah I get you. Cutting out porn is hard, and I don’t know if I’ll continue to do so, but I’ll do my best.

@mitz I think you should. I use this app called Brainbuddy to help me with my progress. So far I've been almost a week without both porn and masturbating. But lately I came across 6ix9ine'd IG page and there were a lot of sexual things on there and it actually caused an intense groinal towards it when I was scrolling but I clicked out of it. I'm just hoping it didn't count as viewing porn

@BigGip09 It’s just social media, I wouldn’t worry about it. Though just out of curiosity, why were you on 6ix9ines page? Isn’t he kind of a pos?

@mitz Nah I was in the search feed searching really deep into memes and then his page came up. I don't even know why he popped up in the search feed because I don't even like him. Like, at all. I've also just been using Instagram way less. Things have been complicated because I feel like if u see social media much much less it can help me like it has in the past with my mood but then I think times are different and not like the past. I live in the past too much, that's a problem I have.

@mitz Also, pos? What's that supposed to mean?

@BigGip09 Oh if it means piece of shit, then yeah he definitely is. Most of these rappers are. I don't get how anyone likes him or his music.

@BigGip09 I see. And yeah I live in the past too much too. Like I also wonder what was going on my mind at the time, and I always make it the worst case scenario.

@mitz I don't just think about the mistakes, I think of the good things too. I often think of the days before things went wrong or before things drastically changed. Or pretty much my childhood all the time. I'm trying to give myself those things for the present but having to feel like you NEED to worry is the problem, know what I mean? Especially when people say you shouldn't.

@mitz Your thinking also sounds very catastrophic and it isn't realistic. Not to reassure you, but you know

@BigGip09 It is very catastrophic, don’t worry about reassuring, I’ve tried to reassure myself pleanty so this won’t be harmful.

@mitz It is what keeps OCD alive unfortunately. When you've confessed to others about what you worry about, do they tell you it's nothing to worry about?

@BigGip09 They tell me it’s either not that bad, impossible (if it’s like a false memory) or both.

@mitz How does that honestly make you feel?

@BigGip09 To be honest, it doesn’t always help. Especially now.

@mitz Yeah. It's one of those things where you wish it could help because they could be right, especially if most of them say you shouldn't worry in the first place. Judging by what you've told me about the porn stuff, you're not an awful person. Like, not at all. I'm in the same boat but I just searched differently. I don't think you have anything to worry about

@BigGip09 I appreciate that, being on here I highly doubt your a horrible person either. It at least means you have a moral conscience.

@mitz Yeah. That's not something everybody has. Not everybody worries about being a bad person. Bad people wouldn't even worry to be honest. But OCD just lives in the back of your head saying otherwise. It's a nuisance

@BigGip09 It really is.

@mitz I think we've talked before because I remember seeing meta OCD. What is that again?

@BigGip09 Yeah we’ve talked a couple times. Meta OCD is basically just OCD OCD. Wondering if you have OCD or if it’s something else etc.

@mitz Oh that just sounds like the epitome of OCD to be honest. That's like a symptom of the doubting disorder. I think I've told you about one of my incidents that I didn't want to happen but did. How are you?

@BigGip09 I was actually doing quite well for a while, but fell down a hole that feels impossible to get out of. The uncertainty is too much to handle at times. It’s very catastrophic as you put it.

@mitz Yeah I can understand that. I'm in the same kind of thinking that I was in with my previous event worry. I'm able to not worry but then go back to worrying. Also something people said I shouldn't worry about. But you know.

@BigGip09 Yeah I’m kind of the same way, even if I give my worries a break, it still comes back not much later and tortures me.

@mitz Would you say the majority of your OCD is caused by porn? I can 100000% say that mine is all because of porn. I hate it, I hate that I was addicted to it, I hate the searches, I hate the categories, and I hate the way it makes people view others sexually. My thoughts are racing like hell and I'm just fighting the urge overall. All OCD wants to do is remember shit I did when I was still addicted to it and cared about nothing else but that but I just don't ever want to go back to it. Just wish I thought like this year's ago

@BigGip09 I can relate to you there, but I don’t think most OCD is caused by porn (personally) and I don’t think mine was. I don’t really know though.

@mitz No that was a personal thing, not a fact. Personally most of the things my OCD latches onto is whenever I watched porn and I feel like I just can't escape it. What causes yours?

@BigGip09 I’m not really sure, but social media seems to make it worse, that’s definitely the only explanation I have for the POCD as well, the way pedos (understandably) are treated by the internet makes that by far the worst thing, if it weren’t for the internet I doubt pedophillia would seem much worse than extreme violence.

@mitz Honestly I agree with that. I see pedophilia as a mental disorder but many people don't. They don't think people under that disorder can get help. Hell, this is the same society that uses OCD as a comedic joke, makes people believe it's not even real, and leaves those that want help to not even get it. I don't even know what to think of when it comes to sexual things in general. I feel like the internet has just skewed my perception of sexual attractions and desires. It's all complicated. I was never talked to about it. I just can't help but blame myself for things.

@BigGip09 I know how you feel, what ever my obsessions are, it’s usually very hard to have compassion for myself.

@mitz Yeah. OCD makes you feel like you're the worst person on the planet and you shouldn't follow your dreams. Now it's trying to latch onto something else that happened even though it was 100% an accident and thankfully nothing came up after it. Again with searches

@BigGip09 Yeah that’s basically how it’s been going.

@mitz What's your OCD recently latched on?

@BigGip09 It’s more of the same stuff. Pedo related basically (though I’ve been having secondary obsessions of racism and other things). Either way, I had a good talk, but I’m gonna go to bed now. Take it easy.

@mitz Likewise.

@mitz Didn’t mean that in a condescending way or anything lol

@mitz What do you mean?

@BigGip09 I’m not actually sure anymore, I was tired when I said that.

@mitz How's it going

@BigGip09 Today has been a bit better for the most part, still rough moments but definitely not as bad.

@mitz How about you?

@mitz Yeah, I would say today is better. I spent the day with family and it made the thoughts bother me less. Pretty much the same as you

@mitz Kinda in a mellow mood. I weird "I don't care" moment

@BigGip09 I kind of feel that, that’s why I like going to sleep now a days.

@mitz Yeah pretty much. I'm taking a break from all of this really.

@BigGip09 I feel you there.

@mitz Kinda just pissed off at all this to be honest. Now I just don't feel like I have the energy to even worry about it. Like it's actually getting me really angry which is rare.

@BigGip09 I’m still in a case of worrying but I think I know what you mean.

@mitz Yeah I'm breaking from today from it all. Take care