I need some more alcohol 😞

I thought about it but I didn't.

@Jbm421 Good on you! You just fought the urge to do so. Also, alcohol can really damage your body.

@BigGip09 I haven't drank in a few weeks. Normally I just drink on the weekends to unwind. But when I get bad I usually stay away from the stuff.

@Jbm421 Proud of you for noticing your concerns and your ability to not use it compulsively and only once in a while. Not everybody can do that, so that's really cool. How are things anyway?

@BigGip09 Not very good. I only recently resumed therapy after some financial issues that caused me to stop. I started last year after years of dealing with this shit and I had improved quite a bit but the last month especially (and the past week in particular) has gone fuck up... And today, my therapist had me try an exposure that really triggered (though I cant understand why as I've seen worse shit that didnt trigger me though I suspect how bad ive been this past week has something to do with it). I'm just emotionally numb and my mind is mush at this point.

@Jbm421 Yeah I feel you. I just don't know what to really do. I don't know if I should disregard the thoughts, I don't know if I should keep worrying about my past, or change my perception that I'm not who I used to be months ago or years ago. It's just hard

@BigGip09 My mind uses any little thing from my past against me. It's been actively taking away every chick I've dated or slept with, essentially negating my past. I wish I was the happy uncool kid I was. I feel like a sad old man (though I'm only 38).

@Jbm421 I'm really sorry to hear that man. This shit just fucking sucks and I don't wish it on anyone at all. Nobody. I'm only 19 and I feel my life just ended. I honestly feel like porn just ruined my life and I keep trying to tell myself that it's not over yet and things can be better and there isn't anything to worry about but it's just hard.

@BigGip09 You got time to take care of this and live your life. You will. I just feel it's too late for me sometimes. Every time I feel I got this crap beat, it comes back stronger. I should've gotten the proper help way before now. The trade off is, I know more now than I did years ago but my mind is so fucked from overthinking (ruminating) on this for years that I fear that I'm too far gone.

@Jbm421 I feel like I don't have the time though. I know I'm not even 20 yet but it still feels fucking awful. I just hate how much I ruminate about this. I just don't want to anymore. I don't even know what I want honestly. I have someone tell me that it's fine and I shouldn't worry, I have trouble believing them. I beat a previous event, a new one comes up. I practice mindfulness and I don't even do compulsions (Besides rumination) and I still end up feeling bad. I even get people told that people have done so much worse than me and I shouldn't even overthink but somehow it makes me think I'm the worst instead. I'm cutting out all of the porn I can and I don't want anything sexual at all unless it's with a girl my age I can talk to. But it just feels too late and that I'll be in jail or something. I don't even know.

@BigGip09 Dude, you sound like me. I bet you think you're the exception to the rule, right? Like you think everyone else is HOCD, but you're the one who not, right?

@Jbm421 HOCD? No I don't have that theme. Only perfectionism, POCD, real event and harm. You think everyone is HOCD? What do you mean by that?

@BigGip09 Sorry. What I meant was, in terms of the way you think, you think your obsessions like harm or pocd make you a bad person like your worse off than everyone else because of how bad it feels but that is very common in OCD. It makes you fear the worse, doubt the simplest most fundamental thing about you, and makes you dred the future.

@BigGip09 Sorry for me not knowing your theme.

@Jbm421 I think in every single way you just said. And I just don't believe it when someone tells me it's all OCD. Especially with real event. It's just so hard. But before OCD I never used to worry about things for so long

@Jbm421 No it's totally fine. You didn't know. Now you do. I don't know yours. What are they?

@BigGip09 Ruminating is the hardest compulsion to cut out. I mean how can you stop the mind from thinking? Am I right?

@BigGip09 HOCD (Or SOOCD), Pure O, ROCD and POCD.

@Jbm421 What would you say is the worst?

Aww. This is what it’s about. Two people talking and helping each other out. Keep up the good work.

@Jbm421 I've still been trying to stop the ruminating. Still trying now

@christinejg94 Ha. Thank you for being here :)