Been crying a lot.. Last night and a few minutes ago. Don't know what to do. Real event is hard. I want to live in the present and not be bothered by the past. The person I'm no longer associated with. The mistakes I would no longer make but constantly worry about. I just want to be free and obsess no longer. I don't want to fear that I'm a criminal or a bad person anymore..

and allow yourself to cry by the way. it’s okay to release the pain

@garden I never like to cry because I end up being sad uncontrollably. I don't like others seeing me sad or worrying about me in person. I also definitely don't like to see other people cry themselves. I get that it helps take the pain away and it makes me feel better, which it does, I still don't like to do it. I dunno. Might be me being hard on myself again. Thanks for being here with me all the time. It really helps out. You're a wonderful person too. I also see a lot of your posts. You're nowhere near a narcissist to me. Trust me. I have a really good friend I've known for years who deals with a narcissist. People like those always think they're right, don't care for other people, and always make excuses. You are far from that. I've tried to accept these things but my ocd makes it feel so much worse than that. Makes it feel horrible. Insane. The worst thing ever. I'm trying to accept that I had my porn addiction. I'm trying to accept that that because of my porn addiction it's made me do things I wouldn't do now. Things that I, well not regret, I think that's too harsh. Just things I wouldn't do now. Mistakes I guess. I'm trying to accept all of that. Maybe if I keep doing this I'll feel better even if I don't feel like I don't now. I guess you're right. And others that have told me that I'm okay. Maybe I should just practice the acceptance, even if it means agreeing with the thoughts, maybe? Thank you.

@BigGip09 accept the presence of these uncomfortable thoughts. i know it’s painful but through time they lose their power. maybe even try laughing at them! there’s a big bully in your brain poking you with shame but you don’t deserve that. your average person may feel regret for the past, but they know they’ve changed and they’ll move on. whereas ocd is just a bitch that makes us re-live it. i think as well as acceptance and stuff, you gotta practise self-compassion! speak to yourself as though you were a friend. if it was me venting to you about those things, i know you’d be super kind and understanding. so be that way to yourself. be kinder to yourself.

@garden Laughing at them? I've never tried that before but I did agree with the thoughts at one point. I don't know if that did something but I don't think about that thought much anymore. It's hard to laugh at POCD and real event type thoughts to be honest. Everything you've just said is easy easier said than done. Just wish it was the opposite. And you're right if it was a friend or you that talked about your problems, I'd tell them they shouldn't worry and they aren't those things. Just feels so much different for me. But I guess I should try and do the same no matter how much it tries to trick my thinking. False memories, the intrusive thoughts, the real events, etc

@BigGip09 sorry i realise the laughing thing is a bit insensitive. and yeah it is easier said than done :/ it’s always gonna feel different for ourselves i guess. which really sucks. but i’m here if you need me to vent to or need advice

@garden Thanks. Lately I've been trying to follow your advice on the self compassion and the acceptance and mindfulness stuff. I don't think I can Ruminate about this stuff any further. It gets me nowhere. And I don't want to be stuck in the past. Just want to tell myself that it's okay that I made mistakes and that I did things I wouldn't want to do now or go back to. I just want to leave it at that and be able to appreciate myself again. Especially since I'm making the effort to quit the habits I worry about.

@BigGip09 exactly. your growth is really admirable. also rumination is a compulsion so keep that in mind! :)

Really? What's your issues with this?

@BigGip09 Oh yeah! Same as you—feeling like I’m a bad person who did bad things years and years ago even thought I’m a different person now. Worried I’ve harmed people. I go through my memories with extensive focus trying to remember every single detail.

@RaeStruggles Yeah. All I do is ruminate and get scared of the uncertainty of things. And I already listed my fears. Just wish I could stop crying