i’m so scared i might of possibly went too far w erp

I’ve definitely done that when I first was starting ERP.

You have to stop trying to figure it out. You won’t find you answer. Your OCD will keep bringing you back into questioning yourself

I know how real the urges, thoughts, and feelings can be, BUT the work is to not engage with them. Do nothing about it. Don’t figure it out. Sit with it, but don’t ruminate on it.

This is my greatest fear about doing ERP. I haven't started it yet, only just started therapy. But my pocd makes me have thoughts, images, sensations, urges and feelings that feel so real and like I actually want and like the thoughts. I'm worried that 'just sitting with these' will make me realise for real that its just who I am and what I want and its not ocd. It feels far too real to be ocd. I have a hard time believing anyone who tells me that it is. Its got to the point where I have thoughts about babies (and sensations) during nice relaxing moments with my family or boyfriend and even though I instantly get anxious about it, its like there's a part of me that wants to let the image/feeling stay there. Like it doesn't even feel like a sexual thing in terms of: it doesn't feel like arousal, I'm not turned on, I know I don't want to do anything sexual to the baby IRL, but for some reason its giving me a nice sensation and I want to let it be there and enjoy the sensation. But at the same time I feel panicky and anxious because its not right to get a nice sensation from thinking about THAT and I try again and again to get the same sensation while thinking about my boyfriend, or another guy, or a woman, or ANYONE or ANYTHING but the original image but it never works and a part of me feels like I want to give in to it. I feel like I'm different to everyone else with ocd because they always talk about being scared that they will do something. I've always been sure I never will DO anything but my fear is that deep down I want to. More recently it hasn't even been that. I've been feeling more confident that I don't actually WANT to do anything IRL, but then the thought is 'what if I want to think about it to get nice sensations?' That would still make me a bad person but it feels like I'm starting to want to think these things. It really doesn't feel like ocd anymore and I'm getting more and more depressed and sad every day. I'm losing hope of being able to get better because I feel like I've left it too late to start therapy. Anyway, sorry for hijacking your post! I don't really have any advice I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with feeling like its real.

I've had pocd for four years but last year it really blew up into way more than it ever was before. Pre-lockdown I was kind of coping with life and feeling positive about getting better and moving forward. Then last year my ocd just got worse and worse, the thoughts got worse, the physical sensations and urges got worse, I had six months of therapy with a therapist who didn't know enough about ocd and didn't treat me for it and now I'm at the point where I've almost lost all hope and I feel like a completely different person. Really could have done without this pandemic!