I’m losing my fuckin mind smfh. It is so gross to have sexual thoughts of my mother smfh. I never had thoughts for her until she started purposely doing it to me smfh. I don’t get why she just doesn’t stop like do you not want time to be able to talk to you like normal? Do you want me to become even more crazier I really don’t know how to go about this smfh. I would be fine if she didn’t do it in purpose I wouldn’t feel anything or think I’m going to have sexual thoughts for her in purpose like leave me tf alone I just want to talk to my mom like normal and not be forced to have thoughts for her all cuz of her insecurities of whether or not I have soocd or am I actually gay like I swear I get no support at my house at all smfh.

It’s good. Normally I wouldn’t even say anything but being tired and having a hang over and taking a pre workout to go and do something made me get on here to write this at the time.

@Issac11 Those 3 things dont go together, I know because I've been like that. I've stopped drinking and taking pre workouts. Which hasn't helped really because I don't take care of myself in any other aspect of my life.

@Jbm421 I was thinking about not taking in any caffeine till I can figure out a way to deal with my ocd better so I’ll see.

@Issac11 I've been doubting OCD alot lately but then I cant help but use logic against this bullshit but even that fails a lot of the time. Yeah, I cant be wired on caffeine if I'm like this which sucks because it hindering my workout regimen and I hate falling out of shape.

@Jbm421 Shit I’m over here seeing my youngest brother killing his workout and he’s all veiny and shit and I was like that used to be me smfh. It’s all good. I’m too beat up to workout the way I want to anymore cuz after 20 minutes of cardio my knee is hurting again and I don’t eat as healthy as I used to maybe it’s cuz of the meds I’m on or cuz of how depressed my ocd makes me but oh well. I’m not going to force myself to workout and eat healthy maybe when my ocd is under control I’ll go back to being healthy again but until then I enjoyed my crispy chicken sandwich with bacon and a milkshake hahaha.

@Issac11 Lol. I use to be like that too. Now it's one of my bigger triggers which really worries me. I was still going to the gym regardless and I worked a lot toward not letting that shit bother me. But it's back stronger than ever. Now I'm here eating my Chipotle burrito and Pepsi. 🤣😔

@Jbm421 Yeah I still don’t do soda. I see it too and it sucks. I hate my ocd cuz it keeps me feeling like shit and it sucks. I want to be fine but just don’t know how to be fine. I got an interview for another hotel but this one will be easier cuz I know the system and don’t have to train for it and it will help with my ocd if I get it and hopefully by then I’ll get back to working out like normal and being healthy again smh.

@Issac11 I dont know how that became such a big trigger. And that makes me worry. But of course if I'm focused on something else it doesn't bother me at all. Funny how that works. How long you said you been dealing with this? My job is the worst for HOCD. I'm a doorman and I spend large amounts of time alone in silence.

@Jbm421 Hocd I’ve been dealing for since the spring of 2014. This whole new ocd that bothers me from seeing a chick like normal and having normal thoughts for her has been since November of 2018 smfh. I would’ve been fine had I not done any self help or compulsed so bad but this is where I’m at cuz of this shit smfh.

@Issac11 Me since 2010. I would've been fine if I had sought help earlier. I was depressed for a few years before this hit. Now at times I'm barely functional. Cant speak to most people without thoughts. This crap has swallowed my life.

@Jbm421 In 2010 I was good. I wish I would’ve seeked help in 2014 when I thought I became gay. Obviously the signs were there that something was up when I’d drink alcohol and I could talk to people like normal and all this other shit but I didn’t know I had hocd till like 2017 and read someone’s story about hocd and I was like wait a minute that’s exactly like my story smfh and I’d come out of my head the few times I read someone story about hocd but I kept doing it a lot and didn’t know what I was doing. I wish I would’ve known or I’d be a lot further along with a career in football smfh. I’m hoping I get better but time will tell smfh.

@Issac11 That's what happened with me. I mean I still wanted to smash females but I was worried and ruminated on it but I found out about it like you did but I didnt know that researching like that was reassurance. I'd be married and have a family now (of course now the thoughts are trying to say "oh, you dont want that shit." Fml). At one point in 2011/2012, I could barely get outta the house. Feels a little like that sometimes now.

@Jbm421 During those years I had friends even made friends by just talking to people at the gym or them coming up to me and we automatically become friends cuz I usually had the same interest as them. We’d talk about working out or sports so it was cool. I wouldn’t mind a relationship but I just don’t want to be obsessed about it and maybe when I figure that part out I’d actually have one smfh 🤣🤣. During those years I always wanted a family. A wife and 2 kids. I feel like everyone with ocd just wants 2 kids for whatever reason cuz it’s like what everyone saids on here smh haha. I feel like that now and in the fall of 2016 I didn’t go to the gym or anywhere for like 2 months almost smfh.

@Issac11 Sad times bro. And I don't know what to do about it.

@Jbm421 I’m doing erp right now by being in the living room with my brother and watching a basketball game.

@Issac11 I can use b-ball as ERP? It has been triggering a little lately...